When she arrived home Fri. I left 2 things not finished to test her reaction. A package came and I left it on the front porch and I left a baby gate open leading to our laundry room(S was asleep for the night. She blasted me on both but did not say anything about the rest of the house, which was spotless.(180)
About noon on Sat she said she didn't know if she said anything but she thanked me for having things done around the house. (this is a small step to get her more positive)
She wrote me a letter while I was cooking dinner. She stated:
Dear Will,
I'm not sure where to start, but am compelled to write this. Since getting home I've come to realize something, I've been feeling so hurt for so long and desperate for something different. A big part of my actions, words, motivation the last few weeks has been to inflict that type of pain on you. By doing that I was not choosing to love. At the time I didn't know what else to do. My expressing this doesn't mean that this hurt is healed or gone. I think it will take time and actions to heal. I'm sorry for some of the choices I've made. I appreciate and understand that we both need to have some growth individually. I also think that if remaining together is on the table that we need to grow our relationship as well. You seem to have a paradigm shift. I don't know what caused it and I guess it really doesn't matter. I can only hopes it lasts. If you make the arrangements, I will go with you to the forgiveness post-session. I am sorry I got impatient with you earlier. I realize that patience is not a strength of mine in certain situations. And in other areas I feel that I have been more than patient. Being encouraging doesn't come naturally to me. Its an area that I am working on and improving. Right or not I still care about you and would like to move past this awful rut we've gotten into. I appreciate you reading this and have enjoyed watching your interactions with S3 today. Love W
I know that this is another test and only words. At the same time the action of hand writing a letter is something different.
I have one main concern: I'm sorry for some of the choices I've made. This stands out for me and screams possible OM. She started a Facebook account a few months ago. Up until now I would have said the possibilities were low of this but I feel differently now. Can't search cell phone records and we don't have texting on our phones. I have heard about keylogger but I know reading other threads that the experts say if their is an OP then it's harder to go forward.
Thanks again for the advice.
She decided to come back to the MB. Didn't say anything just came back.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
Thank you for the encouragement and the words to use.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
“Any discussion about our relationship is too important to be rushed and certainly cannot be resolved in a single discussion. I prefer to hold off on this for now. Please understand that I will not be pressured or dictated to on this matter.” This worked wonderfully for me. It shows strength and puts off the conversation indefinitely. But be ready. It will piss her off. Let her stew.
I think that this will work best for her. Thank you for your words.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
This sounds like it could be a very positive development. It's way too early to let your guard down. But, I think you should still remain open to working on your M (which I assume you are).
I would definitely make the appointment with the C she mentions. The fact she's willing to go and work on your M is a good thing. I would kill for that.
On the things you know you have done to hurt her, you need to acknowledge and own these. Then you need to change. She is telling you her concern - that your changes may not last - and this is VERY common for a WAS to have those concerns b/c they have seen us act otherwise for a long time. That will only change with consistent ACTION on your part plus time. So, keep up your changes.
On the possible A, is it a dealbreaker for you? If it is true, are you done or could you forgive her and help repair your M? Unless it's a dealbreaker, I don't know that you should push on that issue right now. That will come out in C. I DO think you should keep your eyes open, and maintain a boundary of no contact with OM - NONE. And she needs to be willing to give you access to her information/cell phone, etc. to prove it. If she asks you why you need that, calmly explain that, just like her, you are working on things that bother you - and you have to be able to trust her. Right now, based on HER actions, you are having a hard time trusting her in that area. You want to rebuild that trust, but it going to take time and work on BOTH your parts.
For now, I would make the C appointment and work on rebuilding your friendship. Laughter is wonderful for that. Keep the conversations light and upbeat. Maintain a positive mental attitude. But, no desperation, no pleading, no begging, no anger and no resentment. In short, no pursuit. That doesn't mean no rebuilding the friendship.
On the possible A, is it a dealbreaker for you? If it is true, are you done or could you forgive her and help repair your M? Unless it's a dealbreaker
Before reading the many threads I would have said it was but now I would be willing to work through it. I have more insight into the role that I have played in setting the stage for it to happen. Still doesn't excuse it but it is what it is.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
We were having a conv about her going back to school. I asked what she was thinking about etc. Then it switched to finances and splitting of the bills. A a very big slippery slope later she said this is too difficult and went to go lay down. Big backslide when I brought up how difficult it would be to live on 1500 each month b/c of additional medical expenses we have. Won't do that again, I hope. Just focusing on S3 and giving him some lunch before his scheduled nap time.
Could someone help me with trying to find a balance. I feel like I am being too cold. I don't know how to keep firm boundaries and stay non-frigid.
R2C, Couldn't find the boundaries thread? I was blond once.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
Big backslide when I brought up how difficult it would be to live on 1500 each month b/c of additional medical expenses we have. Won't do that again, I hope.
Why do you think this was a backslide? If you were pointing out what post-D would look like, this was not a backslide. Bringing reality to her is a good thing.
Quote:
Could someone help me with trying to find a balance. I feel like I am being too cold. I don't know how to keep firm boundaries and stay non-frigid.
If she isn't staying within your boundaries, no need for discussion. Time to enforce them.
If you are talking about how to act around her assuming she's staying within those boundaries, treat her like an attractive co-worker you want to get to know better.
Quote: Big backslide when I brought up how difficult it would be to live on 1500 each month b/c of additional medical expenses we have. Won't do that again, I hope.
Why do you think this was a backslide? If you were pointing out what post-D would look like, this was not a backslide. Bringing reality to her is a good thing.
She interpreted this as a main reason why I want to try to work on our R.
NOT TRUE
Last edited by williaij; 01/03/1006:17 PM.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
That is the latest barb. I didn't respond. I should have validated though.
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
