Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Super Girl]

Sad Girl,

Ok, because I deeply love her. I just can't accept/believe she has done this. I desperately want to believe her, and what she says-but I don't. I KNOW I deserve better, I KNOW I do. I guess I am scared of what I don't know.

Jesus, what am I doing hanging on to this woman? Why am I putting up with this crap?

I feel like a fool for wanting to salvage my M. Why am I working so hard for so little in return?

I do not believe that think you deserve better. If you did, you would take charge of yourself.

Only you know why you hang on, but when you stop hand wringing, and do the work, you will get the clarity you seek.

You're not a fool. We are all here for the same reason. BUT... You are working harder, not smarter. When you start to focus on her, redirect your mind. You are choosing misery. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, man? Like I said, you are a soldier. A warrior for America and you are a TEXAN.

Do you think I can believe my H took off and left me with 4 young kids? Well, yes, I can believe it because he did it. So what? His problem, not mine. I am making the best of my situation. Yes, I have periods of sadness, but I don't waste a minute wondering why, who, where, what. I spend my time thinking...rebuild, restore, recover. I am better than him.

You are better than this.

[SoldierDad]

[Super Girl]

Sad Girl,

I don't deserve this, I really don't. I'm scared of being alone. SO STUPID.

No, you don't deserve the metric sh!t ton of crap she has inflicted on you, however, stop being scared of being alone. I'm alone with 4 kids, my oldest just turned 12 in December. So what? I have family and friends, and I am fine. My H was a part of my life, he wasn't my whole life.

She is a want, not a need.

[SoldierDad]

SG,

Thanks for the 2x4's.

I do say that I know I deserve better, why I can't FEEL that way, I have NO idea.

I am hanging on because of my boys, and I believe in the covenant of M.

Am I hanging on because I think I can "fix" her? I dunno - I don't think so, but not sure.

I WANT my M to survive. I want my M to rise from the ashes through this, but I have doubts. I don't know if my W can EVER be honest about anything-how does a guy deal with that? I don't know how long I can wait to see.

[Gnosis]

SG is giving you sound advice on how to ground yourself.

have calmed down, and have re-looked my thread. Wow, I have been all over the place!

REALLY?

Can you post what you have learned?

[Super Girl]

SG,

Thanks for the 2x4's.

I do say that I know I deserve better, why I can't FEEL that way, I have NO idea.

I am hanging on because of my boys, and I believe in the covenant of M.

Am I hanging on because I think I can "fix" her? I dunno - I don't think so, but not sure.

I WANT my M to survive. I want my M to rise from the ashes through this, but I have doubts. I don't know if my W can EVER be honest about anything-how does a guy deal with that?

You can't feel that way because you are CHOOSING to feel miserable.

She threw you a bone(r) and a few encouraging words, and you fell apart. I get that you needed the physical closeness, but you should have said lady, I wouldn't f*** you with someone else's d*** right now. You knew she had been with at least two OM, but you sacrificed your self respect and slept with her. Take back your self respect.

Make her earn you. You are acting like a lovestuck teenage girl. Let it go. Step back and see what she does next. Stay on course.

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis,

I've learned that I am still holding on.

I haven't accepted the reality of it all.

I was/am weak around her.

Even though she lies to me, I let her off the hook, by not calling her on her lies.

I am vulnerable to what she says/does.

I don't value myself enough to D my W.

I don't feel good about myself.

I have low self-esteem.

I realize that I am a "fixer"

I KNOW how to DB, but I don't always follow, as I get mired in my own self-pity.

I learned that there are many good people on these boards that honestly care about the people they try to help. But it is up to the individual to listen, and do the work required to become a better person. I struggle with this some days.

[MichelleLT]

Even though she lies to me, I let her off the hook, by not calling her on her lies.

Throwing them back in her face will just make her defensive. So, how can you call her on it so she will hear you? Can you even at this point (at some point in the future when she's had more time to process, you will be able to)?

I am vulnerable to what she says/does.

You CHOOSE to be vulnerable. You keep expecting her to go back to the person you married overnight. She can't and won't. She has work to do, lots of it. It will take time.

I don't value myself enough to D my W.

I would change this to setting better boundaries. D by itself does not make for better boundaries. You WILL be stuck with her the REST OF YOUR LIFE because you have children together. She is their mother, regardless of whether she is your wife.

[SoldierDad]

Well,

I am starting to see the light-at least I think I am.

I have decided to finally start detaching in a healthy, loving way.

It is extremely difficult because I want her to come to her senses. I now know that she has to do that on her own terms, and time.

I want her to end her A, but again, it isn't up to me.

Nothing has changed in my sitch, I am still headed towards D, and that is what I am going with. Everything we talked about before I left-is just that-TALK.

I can't EXPECT her to do the work, she has to WANT to. I have to accept this.

I have to KNOW that no matter what happens, I WILL BE OK. I also struggle with this.

I am a good person, and a good Father, whatever happens between my W and I has no bearing on those things.

[Frosty Michael]

I think that's the tough reality of the situation SD. Completely feeling the same way right now. There's nothing you can do to force your W through her journey and get her to where she needs to be for you to work together.

You're a good man. Maintain your integrity, accept the situation, and make the best of life for yourself. You deserve it.