Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Update:
H called me Friday and wanted to talk about what I thought would be the best time arrangement for the girls to have between him and me-for the divorce. I could tell H was anxious/high strung through the whole conversation and I didn't really have a thought-out solution.

At one point I said that I was hoping he would reconsider(the divorce) and he just said. "It's over."

Here is my take: H is gung-ho about getting divorced. He is actively looking for a living situation that will have room for the girls. He expects 50/50 time split. I will have to pay him child support even though he would prefer to be financially independent of me. He is rational and not in any kind of fog about this.

He is drinking more while living with his cousin to the point of getting hungover(not his 'normal' behavior).

He has kept all of our "joint" passwords the same and has stated recently that I can see every thing he's spending his money on, there is no other person in his life.

It seems important to him that there is a transparency, as if he's still trying to prove he's trustworthy.

I don't understand this b/c if he's really thinking we're separated and soon to be divorced-then why would this matter?

He's saying that he wants to help raise our girls and his is extremely important to him, yet since he's moved out he doesn't really call them or try to do things with them, and almost expects that they initiate contact and asks them why they don't..

This inconsistency may be part of the MLC, but since H's so rational abut the custody stuff, I'm just plain confused. I'm wondering if the MLC label was just a crutch for me and this man really has been miserable for 16 years and just can't wait to sever the ties with me as much as possible.

I found a weblink somewhere that had some interesting logic..We all have fears and these fears lead to some of our self-sabotaging behaviors. My big fear is abandonment and rejection and it has, in the past, made me clingy and behave in a "please others but not yourself" way. The logic presented is..if your worst fear occurs (I'm abandoned and rejected) and you survive(most people will), then what is there to fear anymore? And this seems true. I have been "abandoned/rejected"(given up for adoption, father moved out at age 12, mother emotionally abandoned me at same time, H broke up with me several times in the years preceding our marriage and has now left me twices in last year)...and I have survived every time...quite a revealing way to look at our fears. Don't really fear those things anymore-feel calmer. Just sad at the breaking up of our family and the toll on our girls. miss my best friend.