A Choice

[patpat]

I had trouble with this myself last night

Sorry to here mntD, my W skipped out on you 2... LOL

Thanks.. I know you are right about W not being emotionally capable. It just sucks ya know... but this helps, I do not feel so bad....

C-Bart - I am so glad that you got to spend with loved one. I will keep praying for the best for you, as I do for everyone here. FYI, I actually went thru the board and wrote down everyones call name, as I say my board prayers, some more specific than others, I end by reading the entire list so that I do not forget anyone. I am sure that there are a few not on the list but I got them covered as well.....

Thanks Bart

4Luv - starting off the new year by yourself shows strength in your words. I pray for you daily... you are one of my specifics.. I will follow your lead, and take better care of myself, continue to DB, and grow because ur right. I will come out on the better end of this anyway.

BTW... W not home yet, but mentioned that she does not want a D. Not busted until reconciled, but at least she is thinking...

Thanks Luv

[patpat]

Did I screw up....

Yesterday, while at work, several of my employees that have noticed my W in town with OM caught up with OM in a parking lot where he works at. One of my guys wanted to smash his face in, another called me on the phone at office. I rushed over to stop a confrontation, thinking it would have negative effect if W found out my boys did something like this.

I did not even know that some of my guys knew who this fella is, or what he drove.

I got there, employee was gone. OM was there, and I could not help myself.

This was our first face to face....

I walked up to his vehicle, he rolled down the window. I extended my hand, and he extended his. At this point, I do not think he knew who was....

I said, " I am W's H. I love my wife and what you are doing is wrong. My S loves his mother and wants her home. W and I have some things that we need to work out. I am not sure of your intensions, but you need to back off. I do not wish to have problems with you but if this continues, there could be. Man to man, I am telling you to back off". He just said, I don't want no prob's either, and your boys are not doing anything to threaten me. He stared at me, and I left.

I wanted to smash his face, but did not.

W texted me several hours later.. about a ball game she was going too... few hours after that she called wanting to stop by the house and drop off the second part of a X-mas gift she bought me last year.... few days ago..

I told her that I was not home, she said, "oh, you had to work today... this tells me that because she did not realize I had to work, she did not realize I was in next town... which tells me OM did not at this time tell her I had ran into him....

I told her I was not home, she said she would stop by tomorrow.. wich is today...

Did I mess up talking to OM. I did not plan too, was going to try and avoid while giving W space.... it just happened.

Comments...

BTW.... ball game W said she was going to was actually a party for our local college team where several people gather to was.... this time it was held at OM parents house. After, game W returned to her girlfriends house where she has been staying....

[Lotus]

i think what you did was wonderful! More people ought to do that. Your words were perfect.

[patpat]

Another mess to consider....

Also, yesterday, and old friend calls me up and tells me that she has feelings for me. She asays that she has heard that I recently separated and that she is in love with me. I told her that I love my W and was going to see this thru. She began to tell me that she is not happy in her marriage, and wants to leave her husband... and her H has know that she wanted out 2 weeks after they married. She has been married to H for 8 months and they never spend time together... Weird, I know.

My friend know my W. She says she may or may not come back... I said I understood that. She said we could hang out etc..., I told her that I thought that that was not a good idea, and I would not be able to do that. Ended convo.

She texted me several time thru out the evening telling me how much she loved me and that now after all these years, this could be our chance at happiness.... I did not and will not reply....

This lady has been a good friend of ours for years. My W started to not like her about 1.5 yrs ago. Honoring W's wishes, we cut all contact with her then. Now, out of blue, she pops up.

Anyone think W had something to do with that....

A test maybe....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Did I screw up....

Yesterday, while at work, several of my employees that have noticed my W in town with OM caught up with OM in a parking lot where he works at. One of my guys wanted to smash his face in, another called me on the phone at office. I rushed over to stop a confrontation, thinking it would have negative effect if W found out my boys did something like this.

I did not even know that some of my guys knew who this fella is, or what he drove.

I got there, employee was gone. OM was there, and I could not help myself.

This was our first face to face....

I walked up to his vehicle, he rolled down the window. I extended my hand, and he extended his. At this point, I do not think he knew who was....

I said, " I am W's H. I love my wife and what you are doing is wrong. My S loves his mother and wants her home. W and I have some things that we need to work out. I am not sure of your intensions, but you need to back off. I do not wish to have problems with you but if this continues, there could be. Man to man, I am telling you to back off". He just said, I don't want no prob's either, and your boys are not doing anything to threaten me. He stared at me, and I left.

I wanted to smash his face, but did not.
. . .

Did I mess up talking to OM. I did not plan too, was going to try and avoid while giving W space.... it just happened.

Ordinarily, I don't advise it, but think you handled it with grace and strength, Patpat. Well done. Just don't expect him to be honest with you.

Puppy

[mnt_dreams]

A test maybe....

Who knows if W has anything to do with it, but it was a test, and you handled it well. Much too early to get involved with someone else. Good job.

[patpat]

PDT - I hear you are the person to talk to about this....

I need to bust A. I have set a boundary and have stuck to it.

Boundary set forth to W...

I will share you with OM. I will not live in an open M. This behavior needs to stop if we are ever have a chance to work this out. It can not happen while you remain distracted. If this behavior continues, I will be forced to take whatever action I need to protect and take care of myself and S18. This may include myself taking tyhe necessary actions to terminate our M.

She cried when I told her my boundary, argued a bit.... 1 week later told me that she loved me. I told her never to say that again. May have been a mistake.

Since then, I have slipped twice and myself tried to bring up R talk. W and I are really not talking, but have had to speak to figure out some bill issues. The separation is putting a strain on finances... and I just lost my train of thought.

From here out, NO R TALK, NO OM TALK on my part.

I found out that other man, according to what wife tells a friend, does not really do anything for her other than having a good time in a pressure free enviroment.

W said she just needs some space to figure herself out. She mentioned to me one time that she just does not want any pressure. I know I have screwed that part up.

W's A is pretty much out in the open and mostly in gruop setting. Really not hiding her friend from anyone, I am told that W and OM really do not date, other than watching ball games together. We have no children together, adopted S18 at age 3 prior to getting married to W. W could not have children and told a friend that is one of the regrets she has with our M.

W says I was verbally abusive. I was... but mostly due to arguments. The things I said seemed to be normal. But in hindsight, I can see not and those things probably should not have been said.

Things like... once we were arguing about cleaning the house. I want some areas cleaned up. These areas are spot where all the stuff belongs to her. She does not want me to clean her stuff, because if I do not see a need for something, I tend to trash it. She does not like that about me. She tells me she will take care of it, and she does not. I bring it up again, we agrue... I tell her she keeps telling me that she will take care of it, and I am tired of hearing the same sh!T. She ignores me, and I say something stupid like, "ya know, if you were not here, I wouldn't have this sh!t in the house", she says, "what are you sayin", I say, "if you packed all your crap and got the F out, the house would be clean.. is a win win. By win win, I was thinking - no more agrument and stuff not in the way. Bad choice of words, I know. That was the last argument. "I'm done" she says and she leaves. Did not expect that.

OM is single, 35 years old. Lives at home with his parents. He is not married, and graduated from same college as W. They both like the same college ball team and share some of the same friends that gather to watch or travel to the games.

Aside from the LRT, how can I bust this A up. Is there anything else I can do beside wait awhile to let it die.

I am Gal'ing, and doing 180's.

Have slipped on R talk a couple of times and W did not like it.

What do I do now?

I am lost. Trying to detach. Making slow progress, but not there yet.

I now know I can handle no R or OM talk.

W said she would like to talk to me, and maybe even do some things together but does not feel like she has wanted to because she feels I will just jump her case. I used to be that way. I guess I still am... since I brought up the R an M talk last 2 times were had to convo with each other....

Tell me exactly what to do... please!

[patpat]

Hey All

Had a low moment today. Some friends were supposed to stop by, they could not make it.... little sad about that. Home alone.

W left message, was supposed to stop by a pick up mail....

We are no contact but was looking forward to seeing her.. sad about that too...

Home alone, doing fine I guess... just an update...

Ok, I lied.... I'm miserable....

[Lotus]

Have you tried apologizing for what you said in the heat of argument? Too often we lose sight of the big picture and get really angry over little things. It takes a big man to apologize, you know.

[TrentC]

Have you tried apologizing for what you said in the heat of argument? Too often we lose sight of the big picture and get really angry over little things. It takes a big man to apologize, you know.

I agree. Just take ownership for your part of the argument and apologize; it's another form of validation.