Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Ok,

have calmed down, and have re-looked my thread. Wow, I have been all over the place!

Here are a few of the things I am concerned about, in the coming weeks/months:

1. W REFUSED to admit any part in an A. Kept saying "you know me better than that". Cheaters always lie.

2. I KNOW W has cheated-PI, and other findings. When/how do I address this, she vehemently denied anything before I left - and still does.

3. Knowing W wanted to attend MC, how/when do I bring this up?

4. W and I spoke of her maybe being Bi-polar-how/when to address this? I don't believe she will go to doctor, and spill beans on this w/o me being there.

5. W texted me a few times last night-I kept replies short/to the point - Do I continue this?

6. W has been sitting at home - all her friends have been on Christmas vacation. Once they return, I believe she will go back to her old ways of going out and partying-but I have no way of knowing this. This concerns me, as she may fall right back into what she was doing-and, I know I can't control what she does, I just don't WANT her to do that stuff anymore.

7. Not sure what else to do about M, besides GAL, DB.

8. I have about 10 weeks left over here, then return stateside. Is there anything I can do before I return, to help W along towards MC, and IC?
Nevermind-gotta detach, and not "fix" her. She has to want to do it, I'm just not sure she knows what to do, or what is wrong with her.

9. Also, when/if the discussion goes to the R/M, it always gets shifted towards what I have done wrong-she deflects all criticism away from her-I think the R/M talk needs to wait until I return and we are in MC-agreed?

[SoldierDad]

One other thing, I was doing some research, and came across borderline personalilty disorder. My W LIES constantly. If she isn't lying, she is stretching the truth, or telling just enough of something to cover her behind. This seems to fit my W to the letter.

Again, how does one/should one, mention these issues to the spouse?

After talking with my W, she seems to know she has an underlying problem, but she really doesn't know what to do about it.

Now that I think about it, will she ever open up about these things-to a doctor/IC, and admit to her issues? I'm not sure at this point.

[Gnosis]

Can you type up the dialog in the texts? Can't operate without intelligence

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis,

First one was: Hey S12 just bought the ps3 game " ".

I replied W/cool

Next was: We are eatin wings from " " yummmmmmy

I replied That sounds delicious

the rest are basically the same-short to the point- no R talk.

W ended with/Have a good day going to bed

I replied: goodnight

Not much, but there it is.

[SoldierDad]

After thinking about my sitch, I feel as if my W was testing me, to see if I was still on the "line" so to speak. When she realized how easy it was to "have" me, I think/believe she lost respect for me. I think she thinks I am the same weak guy she left, and now finds me unattractive in that aspect.

I feel like I should do something to try to regain that respect and dignity I lost. What does a guy do though?

Thoughts?

[Gnosis]

You're mind-reading again.

You keep your respect by NOT pursuing her. i.e. You don't push for the MC, you don't push for info on what she is doing. Instead you remain "stand offish."

I don't remember if you filed or not. But you keep on that parallel path and stay on your lawyer. Notify him of the "event", find out what the legal impact is. Don't forget, you were in violation of the restraining order that she put on you. So find out if this gets "nullified."

In the mean time you remain on your best behavior.

[Super Girl]

After thinking about my sitch, I feel as if my W was testing me, to see if I was still on the "line" so to speak. When she realized how easy it was to "have" me, I think/believe she lost respect for me. I think she thinks I am the same weak guy she left, and now finds me unattractive in that aspect.

I feel like I should do something to try to regain that respect and dignity I lost. What does a guy do though?

Thoughts?

SD, babe, we're feeling you here, but you have got to get a grip. Why do you continue to act like you aren't better than this? Yes, I get that you love her. We all love our spouses, however, after what she has done to you, you really need to make her work for you. If you don't, she will do this to you again. She knows she can do ANYTHING to you, and you'll come running back like a litte b!tch.

You know how you get your respect and dignity back? Nut up and shut up.

You need to chill.

[SoldierDad]

I am/will.

Also, when/how do I bring up the A, and that I KNOW it is true, and that she should STOP lying about it. Because to be honest, unless she admits to it, I am done. She MUST admit to it, and she MUST STOP lying to me-but I don't know if she is capable. I KNOW she cheated, I know there have been at least 2 partners. I feel like I need to let her know that I KNOW she is lying.

Disregard. I just need to let go of it.

[SoldierDad]

Sad Girl,

Ok, because I deeply love her. I just can't accept/believe she has done this. I desperately want to believe her, and what she says-but I don't. I KNOW I deserve better, I KNOW I do. I guess I am scared of what I don't know.

Jesus, what am I doing hanging on to this woman? Why am I putting up with this crap?

I feel like a fool for wanting to salvage my M. Why am I working so hard for so little in return?

I don't know why I am so scared of not having her in my life. I really don't. How can I still love this Woman, after all she has done/put me through? I HAVE GOT to get a grip on this crap.

I don't deserve this, I really don't. I'm scared of being alone. SO STUPID.

[Super Girl]

SD, right now you sound like the controllingest controlling person in controllingville. KNOW. STOP. MUST.

She is going to do what she wants. PERIOD.

You know what you know, yo. Let it go.

Let's spend our time figuring out what we can do to help you get into a better frame of mind.

You are a soldier, for cripes sake.

Stand up for yourself. You know what they say...if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.