The adventure chronicles

[Gnosis]

I'm know I'm going to get slammed left, right and center for this but I would be remiss if I didn't say it.

Because of this:

you have not only friended a single guy, you've been over to his house multiple times and you spent New Year's Eve with him at your apartment.

Drop it. Don't send the email. I believe you are wasting your time and it will fall on deaf ears.

You KNOW what worked. DO IT!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AFW has said that her getting counseling if they are to reconcile IS one of his main boundaries. And he's TRYING to enforce that.

That was part of our agreement. I have drafted an email and would like some feedback before I send it. Here it is:

I looked up the policy on Military One Source regarding counseling. Here it is.

Military OneSource has the technology, the procedural infrastructure, and the highly trained staff to ensure that each user is treated confidentially and with respect regardless of rank. However, there are exceptions. Military OneSource consultants have a duty to report family maltreatment (spouse, child, elder abuse), threats of harm to self or others, substance abuse, and illegal activities. These reports are made to the appropriate military and civilian authorities. Since counselors are an extension of Military OneSource, these reporting requirements apply to them as well.

When I had my counseling my counselor told me that nothing got reported to my chain of command. I'm sure if you were using drugs, had murdered someone, or something to that extreme, then yes they would report it.

I have lived up to my end of the bargain. I have taken off OW from facebook. I have taken you out on a date and would like to take you out on more but it appears like you don't want to live up to your end. All I hear from you are comments that indicate otherwise. "I've applied for multiple guard jobs, I want to get my name off the mortgage, I'm not going to pay child support anymore, I should have stayed until daughter turned 18, etc." All these things indicate to me that you are not interested in saving our marriage.

While you've admitted your affair, you seem to be leaving everything up to me to fix. On top of that, while I'm not allowed to have a female friend on Facebook, you have not only friended a single guy, you've been over to his house multiple times and you spent New Year's Eve with him at your apartment. You say you're not interested in him but after everything that's happened do you think that's fair? I don't.

So, either you want to work on us or you don't. I still want you to go to counseling(I'm not asking you to do anything that I haven't done)--that was part of our agreement. If nothing else, it seems like you are still very angry when things don't go your way. If you want to work on our marriage, I need you to do your part.

TOO SUPPLICATING.

As they say in trial court, "Asked and answered." You told your wife (repeatedly) what YOU needed in order to reconcile, and she hasn't done a damned thing.

I hate to say it (again), but the ball's in YOUR court, not hers.

I say you "call the question."

Puppy

[AFWAW]

I say you "call the question."

I did, I sent it before I got a response on here and she called me and said she was going to out herself to her command so this wouldn't be hanging over her head. I said, so let me get this straight, you're unwilling to go to counseling because you don't want your affair to be reported to your command but instead you intend to turn yourself into your command? That doesn't make any sense. I said, either you sign up and start going to counseling or I will just go ahead and file. I also told her that I thought is was crap that she refused to pay child support anymore. She said, our daughter will be staying with me every other week now. I said, who decided that? That's not really fair to our daughter, yanking her back and forth every week, especially during the school year as she will not have a good routine.

Her final response was, why can't you just get past all this and let me come home(and yes, she was crying)? I once again, told her what I required and hung up shortly afterwards.

[Steve McQueen]

Why is counseling so important to you?

We are taking too many steps backwards here. and you are becoming too much of an example of what gucci talks about over an over on this site.

you reject her, she persues. she rejects you, you persue.

but the problem I see this is guy number 5, 6 or 7 right and you are not even allowed to have a friend on the computer? Something is wrong with this picture that I dont think counseling is going to help you out with.

[oldtimer]

How about setting some non-controlling boundaries rather than trying to force-fix W?

W, I will welcome you home only when you are in an exclusive, committed R with me. I will only be in an exclusive, committed R with you when you cut off contact with OM, become transparent, and demonstrate growth with respect to anger and controlling behaviors.

[AFWAW]

Why is counseling so important to you?

Due to her anger and controlling behaviors. She says she doesn't need counseling.

you cut off contact with OM, become transparent, and demonstrate growth with respect to anger and controlling behaviors.

She says she has cut off contact w/ OM, she has not become transparent though--she says she will give me the OM's name when she is home. She doesn't believe that she has an anger or control problem--hence the need for counseling in my unprofessional opinion.

What boundaries would you suggest so it looks like I'm not the one who is controlling?

[oldtimer]

How about:

W, I want you home. I want us to reconcile. I want us to have a wonderful, vibrant, passionate M. That is my goal. I hope it is our goal. So, let me be clear about a couple of steps on the path to reaching such a place.

I'm unwilling to have you move in until I trust that we are both committed to an exclusive romantic R and that you are no longer hiding inappropriate R's from me. I will need the name of your A partner, your cell phone bills, and your email passwords to help build trust. Building trust is not easy, but it is important. So, there will need to be full transparency until I feel comfortable. I am also willing to offer you full transparency.

Also, I will no longer accept certain behaviors long-term. I'm not expecting them to disappear immediately altogether. Growth is a process. But, I will not tolerate very many such behaviors for very long. These are the kinds of things that I have called controlling or anger problems. It is up to you how and whether you change them. It is up to me how I react to them and whether and how long I choose to be with someone who demonstrates these behaviors.

I also need to trust that you are will change your behaviors. It is easy for us to build this trust through time and experience. We BOTH need to find new behaviors to replace our patterns.

Step into the deep end with me. Together, we can do this, and wind up with a great marriage and a lot of hot sex.

[AFWAW]

Ok, there's been a twist. WAW is getting aggressive. She wrote the following:

Unless the house is for sale by the end of next week, I will be moving back into it. I will pay half the payment for both mortgages, half the power, half the water, half the cable/internet. I would like the two unused bedrooms cleaned out so I can move my things into them as those two rooms will be MY primary residence. I also will need my space cleared out in the garage so I can park there. I will gladly come and clean the rooms out myself and paint them if we can work out an agreeable time for me to do so. There is no need to argue about this as I have already checked into it and it's perfectly legal since my name is on the deed to the house.

My response was the following:

You're not going to tell to me how and what you're going to do regarding this situation. You gave up that right. Once again, this was your decision.

As far as your moving back here, you're not going to dictate that either. You are not paying for the mortgage at this time so you have no legal claim or right for that matter to move back in. Furthermore, you will not tell me what to do regarding having a room cleaned out. So we are clear on this, you are not moving back in at this time nor will you ever dictate to me when you are moving back in.

You obviously have no interest in saving our marriage or any interest in my feelings or what I want. That is clear to me as you have once again lied to me regarding your intentions. You told me that you were going to sign up for counseling and did not.

If you want to ask me a question then do so but don't presume now or ever that you can talk to me in this manner whether it be in an email, on the phone or in person.

Ugh, more drama... Thoughts on this?

[Gnosis]

My thoughts?

She's been playing you all along. She's got herself lawyered up. She's looking for a way in... to the house. So she can rip you apart financially from the inside out. She's coming for you now...

Go see your lawyer.

Ask if there's a tactical advantage in taking out a restraining order against her. YOU have to find a way to keep her out.

Aside from the above, I'm very curious about how the softer ones on this board are explain this one away? Lemme see... um... AFWAW, she loves you. She loves you so much that she's coming home. Because she so desperately wants to be mommy to D13... and loving wife to you again. You have left her no choice to get back into your life... or something along those lines.

Airman, the battle lines have been drawn. You were warned about the attack on Pearl Harbor. Are you going to man your anti-aircraft gun or are you going to stand with your hands in your pocket and continue to watch your life being shredded to pieces.

Your choice.

[AFWAW]

Gnosis,
Thanks for your quick response. I am wicked pissed at this point. I know that does no good but yes you are correct, I will be calling my lawyer in the morning. I will ask the question regarding the restraining order as well.

You are absolutely right, the battle lines have been drawn now. She obviously has no interest in doing the right thing at this point. Thanks again.

Oh, I don't know if it matters but she doesn't have a key or a garage door opener to gain access to the house. I suppose if she called a locksmith, she could gain access but wouldn't she have to prove that she lived here?