My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

A year ago this week I was in an agonizing limbo, wondering if I should keep trying to hang onto my marriage (yeah, as if I had any influence on that) or let it go and move on emotionally toward healing from the loss. So I hit my knees in great pain and asked for a sign to tell me what to do. The next day I woke up with more peace than I'd felt in a couple of years, and no longer missing xH. Missing our life, and it's predictability and "stability" for sure, but not him.

And then a week or two later the gym teacher walked into the office wearing a sweatshirt that somehow triggered a memory of an old friend, and I googled him and tossed a brief and casual note, hoping for a quick update and perhaps a laugh over a few shared memories. And I got quite a sign there, I think.

Had a wonderful chat with D13 a couple of days ago. Same stuff, really, no new incidents or anything like that, just that she appreciates being able to talk to me and wishes her father, the professional "listener," would listen to her. She has begun using the term "boundaries" frequently, and feels she is setting them in her refusing a relationship with the Witch (ok, not using a nasty term--she actually IS a witch). However, she feels powerless in that when she does set boundaries, xH persists in questioning her and pushing his agenda ("do you talk to your mother like this?!"--ha!), and feels that it only makes him angry. It still ties in with being afraid he'll stop loving her (again, a very precarious place to be for her development of her sense of female self-in-relationship, and what an idiot he is to be screwing around like this; what an evil thing). Someday, and it may be awhile, she will have the strength to make that phone call and take herself out of the situation. But not just now. Nevertheless, I am incredibly thankful that she trusts me and that we have the kind of relationship that allows her to talk like this. And I feel that gratitude in the depths of my soul. But what I also feel is the great difficulty of knowing that she may well deal with this fear of losing her father's love through subsequent relationships with guys the rest of her life--seeking that assurance of love by choosing guys like him to play it out and doing what she thinks might be necessary to ensure that love. She's at perhaps the most vulnerable developmental stage for this to happen. And that terrifies me.

I would sincerely appreciate any input on this from anyone who has some wisdom about it. Is there anything I can do to mitigate the effects of her feeling her father's love is so conditional and so tenuous?