to put a ribbon on this, during that discussion when she comes home tonight, a few text msg's from a girl you just "met" might just send the msg across to her that you're moving on.
Seriously, I know it was a hard night, I'm glad you weather your "storm" as well as you did.
Stick to your guns, if she can't be with you by her own choice, you don't want her at all.
Tell her to be with the OM, you don't want her anymore. Push her away, time for you to find someone new, this routine is old & boring with her.
Well, OB...if you DON'T want a D, then don't anything that will earn one for you...like finding someone new at this time.
This is where Robx and I part ways. If Coach had taken advice like this while we were separated, can't say we would have reconciled. NO ONE should date while married - WAW or LBS.
Greek
But Greek in your situation, neither of you were dealing with issues of infidelity.
OB is dealing with this issue, as such and this is just my opinion, a different problem requires a different approach.
If his wife has 2 men that want her and she's with the new man, the OM (sinister music plays in the background), and she has her husband which isn't new anymore, but she has both options available to her, what would make her change her mind about OB? They share history together but some of that history isn't good, she attaches specific feelings and imagery to OB. Plus him pursuing her while she is with the OM shows her that he has poor self-esteem, her internal wiring kicks in and makes alot of autopilot decisions for her: he still wants me even though I don't want him and he still wants me even though I have been with another man - her brain looks that and says that there is a problem and since she doesn't think the problem is with her (the "fog"), the problem must be with him, how can he love her after she does so much to hurt him (part of her knows what she does is wrong, she feels some guilt, but she's hooked, guilty pleasures are exciting and addictive). So she views him as weak, she doesn't want a weak partner, she wants a strong masculine partner - strong would be displayed by having a high self esteem, confidence, high value.
The OM isn't pursuing her, if anything she pursues him, if anything she chose him. OB can't have his wife back if he chases her, she's in the process of pursuing the OM, if OB is to have his wife back, he has to turn the situation around where she pursues him, where she sees that he has high value and that she is losing him, fear of loss is the crisis situation that would prompt her to pursue her husband. Currently she had the best of both worlds, she has the OM, new and exciting, that is her first option - this part is obvious, she doesn't want to stop contacting the OM, no matter how many times OB tells her to stop, the OM is still his wife's first choice and he is the backup plan, look at the situation as it stands, she's not rushing back to OB is she? Nope. He's the 2nd option, the fallback plan, the security blanket just in case the relationship with this OM doesn't workout, she has OB to come back to because she knows he'll be there waiting for her, in this situation, she will never come back to him as long as the OM is in the picture. When the OM leaves, she will come back... temporarily until another man comes into the picture, she'll continue looking for a new first option - something better, something exciting, something new. Because in her eyes right now, she has associated NEW with BETTER.
If he shows that he moves on, if she shows that he can easily replace her with another woman or at least shows that he's moving in that direction, her brain registers these actions as masculine, confident, etc. and it registers these actions as.... NEW. OB hasn't done this before, up until this point he's been pursuing her, showing her he values the marriage while she's been in her WAW affair fog. If he moves on, this is a new action, this is exciting, this is also fear of loss, this registers as a possible mistake on her part: he was the 2nd option, the backup plan, now he's wised up, he's not content to settle for the number 2 position, he wants to be number 1, he is number 1 now, he's also moving on, fear of loss sets in, the number 1 option is moving away from her, she realizes her mistake, he now registers as the strong, confident, masculine alpha-male, the same one she was pursuing earlier with the OM, now she must pursue OB because he is leaving.
With all due respect, this sounds very clinical the way I've explained it but I'm also pretty darn sure it's accurate .
If he does move on and even attempt to date other women, he appears very masculine, he's looking for a new mate, those actions are seen as very confident, he's taking a leadership role in his life, he's moving in the direction he wants to move in, its ambitious, its exciting, its new - its very attractive and would probably cause her to chase him and want him back. If this were to occur, for him to successfully keep her once she starts chasing him, he needs to make her work for it, if he's an easy catch, it kills the excitement and the attraction, he needs to play hard to get, he needs to be mysterious, playful, sexy with her at this point without bringing ideas like commitment and relationships into this mix and she will want to work for his attention because that is exciting to her.
I didn't invent the idea or the dynamics of infidelity, I have just learned that this is what works. It's human nature, its the mechanics of attraction, its game playing.
When people get into a relationship with each other, at first it's new & exciting, as time goes on, people get lazy with each other, don't do the things to continue promoting excitement and fun and they naturally turn off those attraction switches and then people wonder why affairs happen and then they cry and complain and mention things like "what about our marriage vows, you promised!" and we all know that attraction doesn't care about words that were spoken during a marriage ceremony - flick the attraction switches on and do the things that maintain attraction and you will have an environment that creates sexual interest, fun, excitement, friendship, love, etc. Flick those same attraction switches off and you will create an environment with the opposite effect: no sexual interest, boredom, no fun, monotony, enemies instead of friends, hate, anger, silence, etc.
You can't just expect a relationship to take care of itself, people have to realize that to create the optimal relationship environment, work is required. A relationship isn't a living breathing thing, it's something people have to create and work on maintaining. But people are naturally lazy and complacent, work sucks, I go to work everyday, why do I have to go home and work on my relationship, why do I have to smile, why do I have to hug, touch, kiss everyday, its so much work, I got into a relationship to relax and not have to work, you should just accept me as I am: a fat lazy good for nothing slob that doesn't want to invest in my relationship although I'll invest in a home, a car, a career, children, education, trips to Hawaii and GOD knows what else we'll invest in but relationships.... NOOOOOO we don't want to invest time & energy into them, because we all work too hard as it is.
And then we complain when the relationship $hit hits the fan.
"HE/SHE doesn't love me anymore, they're having sex with the other person, I can't believe this is happening to me, WAAAA WAAAA WAAAA"
LOL!
Again I didn't create any of these rules, I'm just learning how to read the rule book and I seriously wish that I had been given this rule book several years ago.
if it was full of lies then she shouldn't have cared about it, if they weren't true she wouldn't feel the need to throw it out, it just bothered her to read that stuff about her because even while in the fog they are guilty for what they've done - that's part of the excitement process. Guilty pleasures.
She trashed my journal, told me how stupid I was for keeping it and said it was full of lies.
Start a new journal. That her problem taht you enjoy journaling. Let her trash it all she wants, sweetie. You need to get those feelings out in the open and if that's the way you enjoy doing it, go for it. Happy new year, Over.
Took D & S to bowl & play games. I did invite W but she acted like I didn't.
We went any way met nieces and nephews.
On way home D called W. She had left and went out. This was opposite of what she had been saying. Any how than she texted me later said she was to emotional to come home and was gonna get a hotel, I said "book it until the 11th." Which is her day to move out.
"Stay gone and get out of my life, I don't need your attitude."
Don't know if this one is gonna get busted I am starting to build resentment.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Don't know if this one is gonna get busted I am starting to build resentment.
I struggle with this a lot now,, I'm thinking it is along the lines of the grieving stages,,, I think I'm at the anger stage and am trying to keep it under control so I can keep my positive attitude and "act as if" mentality
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I'm so sorry, OB. Good job on calling the Sheriff, tho. You may want to keep a voice-activated recorder around, at the ready, in case of further violence.
