Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

[12bar]

I hide this site at all costs, we LBS have to have our secrets too I do the selected history deletion too and my iPhone is locked because of my work email. I never leave my phone unlocked for her to see.

You are right about these boards, they are a godsend. I was in shambles emotionally after the bomb and could barely function. It stinks that we are all here and in pain but it is good to be able to talk to people who know the pain you are going through and to learn from their successes and mistakes.

Praying for your sitch as well!

[chatterbug]

Hi Sandi. Like I said. Its the LRT of a good Plan A.

And there has to be a plan. It can not be done as some random event by the LBS. It must be set in play. It must be planned. The level of the affair must be weighted as well. It must occur after the boundary conversation with the WS has been done and WS's actions is to continue the affair. Actions have consenquences. One should not hide from the truth. Nor should one hide the truth for their partner.

Think of it this way. Pretend that when you were confronted you decided to walk away completely and engage in a EA/PA. Your H allowed you to cake eat for 6 to 8 weeks. Forever keeping quiet and shielding you from the consenquences of your actions. Allowing you to step past any boundary he made. How much respect would you have for him now? Would you even be with him? Would he still be with you?

[chatterbug]

I agree with Sandi. The day I found out about my wife's A, I could hardly function at work. People wondered what was wrong and I confided in them even though I told them to stay quiet. This was the WRONG thing to do! Words spread like wild fire.

My W says that we might have been able to work through things if this information wasn't out. Now she wants to walk.

It was the wrong thing to do because it was self motivated. If I had the attitude that I wanted to protect my spouse I wouldn't have said anything. I spilled my guts now I have to deal with the carnage it caused.

She has to deal with the truth.

I find it interesting that you accepted this blame shift here on the affair.

She is walking because you exposed the truth or is she walking because she had an affair ?

Think about it.

Also think about those people you confided in. Did they take a vow to protect your marriage ? Or did you just slip up due to an extrememly emotional day?

And when she went at you about it. Did you say you were sorry for the exposure and that it would never happen again?
She gained control. She used fear to control you. I have read your stitch. She tries to control you via verbal abuse or physical abuse.

Your wife is a liar and a cheater. She has no respect for you , your children or your wedding vows. Yet you love her. I love my wife as well. She is also a liar and a cheater and has no respect for me nor our wedding vows. She said she wants to walk now because you did that... Well look at how far she has walked.

It was not wrong. What was wrong was how you exposed and how you backed down from the truth. She got mad because you rocked the boat.
You began to crack the fantasy here.

Look at all your actions and what has worked and what has not worked.

Fear not her words. Fear not her actions. Your marraige can survive anger. It cannot survive an affair.


And sorry for the thread hijack.


Edit : This sounds rather pissy and confrontation. It is not my intent.

[Sleepy]

Cutterbug,

It took me a while to realize this, and you are right on all accounts. I am the kind of guy that can take a punch to the head because he f*&%ed up. I was partially to blame.

In the past, I have been approached and still do get approched by women who are forward. I have recieved emails asking me to meet them somewhere. They even ask me to go out with them for a meal or a concert. Even though my marriage hasn't been that good, I never would have strayed. I resisted. I felt that I would cheat so many others for my own moment of selfish pleasure. From what I have seen, no affair has a happy ending.

She lied and cheated. She was selfish. I am having a hard time trusting her now.

Junco, sorry for the thread highjack. I don't know how I could have kept her affair to myself. Exposing it stopped it in it's tracks. After it was exposed she felt that all eyes were on her. She wanted to be seen....alone.

[Lotus]

I agree with Cutter bug. You aren't the guilty party here, she is. You are entitled to have a support system. When there is visibly something wrong with you, and those close to you notice, you should let them know what is happening to you. They are there to help you. She has a support system too. Is she giving hers up?

Her actions affected you. By her thinking what she did had no effect on you. But that isn't true. Her secret is not your secret. There is one sure way to keep people from saying bad things about you. It is to refrain from the actions you would be embarrassed to have others know. Not to force complicity from everyone around you. If what she did was right, she shouldn't worry about others knowing. If what she did was wrong, then she shouldn't do it.

[givingitmyall]

I guess I 3rd cutterbug. This is not your fault - you've done nothing wrong.

When my W gave me the "great news," I didn't tell everyone, but I did let close family members know and the people who worked closest with me so they would know if I was short or seemed a little off.

HER problem. She had the A. Tough that she wanted that private. Should have thought about that before the A.

[12bar]

Please, nobody worry about hijacks. I am happy to see a good discussion about exposure since I am struggling so much with the topic.

[Lotus]

Junco,

When I read that you and OM work together, I thought, "Why not confront OM?" Then I saw this on Patpat's thread.

"Yesterday, while at work, several of my employees that have noticed my W in town with OM caught up with OM in a parking lot where he works at. One of my guys wanted to smash his face in, another called me on the phone at office. I rushed over to stop a confrontation, thinking it would have negative effect if W found out my boys did something like this.

I did not even know that some of my guys knew who this fella is, or what he drove.

I got there, employee was gone. OM was there, and I could not help myself.

This was our first face to face....

I walked up to his vehicle, he rolled down the window. I extended my hand, and he extended his. At this point, I do not think he knew who was....

I said, " I am W's H. I love my wife and what you are doing is wrong. My S loves his mother and wants her home. W and I have some things that we need to work out. I am not sure of your intensions, but you need to back off. I do not wish to have problems with you but if this continues, there could be. Man to man, I am telling you to back off". He just said, I don't want no prob's either, and your boys are not doing anything to threaten me. He stared at me, and I left.

I wanted to smash his face, but did not."

So now we will get to see how it works out.

But it seems to me that if he sees you and you know and you say nothing, then you are giving him tacit approval to do what he is doing.

[12bar]

found this article today and thought it was good

http://beerlove.wordpress.com/affair-rec...s-you-can-take/

[Awoken]

I hide this site at all costs, we LBS have to have our secrets too I do the selected history deletion too and my iPhone is locked because of my work email. I never leave my phone unlocked for her to see.

I use FireFox as my browser for the forums. Since version 3.5 it has a "private browsing" function (under tools) that lets you browse with no record at all. I don't have to remember to delete anything since NOTHING is recorded in the history.