OK. No more contacting OM. None. He's not going to tell you the truth either. And you do not want to elevate him in importance. The attitude needs to be he's beneath you and not worth your time.
You have told your W where you stand. Leave it alone for now, but keep your eyes (cyber for now) open. And be prepared to enforce your boundary.
Get busy and keep your mind occupied. I still would not let your guard down when you talk to her. Let her initiate contact (except for you talking with the kids), and keep your responses short and to the point.
Another thing to come to terms with is that you have no control over her or the eventual outcome. What you can do, and it would be a great way to occupy your time, is to work on improving yourself. What are some things you can change - things that got you where you are with your M?
Is she willing to go to MC? You can't force her, but if she's willing, I would see if there is any way you can set that up for when you get home of by telephone/skype now. Sooner the better.
For now, believe her. You won't improve your marriage by acting suspicious and controlling. The incident happened, now it is over. Let it be over. Be the same as you were before. I think you handled it very well.
I do believe her, I just don't know how to act. I had left my IM logged on last night before bed. Woke up and there was a message on there from W. "Hey IM Me when you wake up"
I am supposed to go home for 2 weeks on R&R 27 JAN and she said that I shouldn't expect our problems to be fixed when i got there. I know that and i have accepted that. is what i told her and i just wanted to spend time with the kids and her.
She said that she is going to try to make an appt on monday for IC with the MC we had used before to help her fix/work on her isssues. Thinks that maybe she still feels guilty about the cheating over a year ago and says she feels mentally and physically exhausted and her body is numb. She is currently on AD meds and having a real hard time with it all.
I do want to believe her but i am truely scared about coming home. Any insite will be helpful.
Me:33 Wife:32 M: 6/26/99 D:8 S:6 Bomb: 8/08 PA MC/IC: 8/08-7/09 Bomb: 12/26/09 Contact OM(I need to work on me) In Limbo
Work on developing detachment. And this means detaching from the eventual outcome of your M. You have no control over this. All you can do is focus on yourself and the kids and make improvements in yourself. You W is going to do what she is going to do.
That isn't comforting, I know, but it's the truth.
Now, this does not mean you give up on working on your M. You walk two paths - getting yourself to a point of accepting the worst case scenario with the realization you will be ok AND making positive changes in yourself while working on your M (if and when she's ready to work on the M).
Your wife is lying to you, and now she's had time to get her OM and her story together, and he's trying to spin you.
Please be aware. She's cheated on you at least twice now that you know of, so you have every right to be wary, and to ask her to earn your trust again.
We do not have insight into your wife. We would pass her on the street and not know it was her. We can tell you that in most cases when spouses get secretive they are having an affair. But that is not always true, and no one here knows whether your wife is having an affair. We have also seen several cases where the spouse who cheated has a difficult time dealing with the guilt from the affair. That can be a significant cause of strain on a marriage. I think your wife is being truthful with you. Her desire to go to both IC and MC are a very good sign. Cheaters do not want to go to MC because they are mentally done with the marriage and are dreaming of the new relationship. Your wife does not sound like she is now in an affair.
I don't know what to believe now though, in her message to OM she called him Babe and ended in Kisses....While trying to get in touch with him on yahoo messenger.
She cheated on me before...I forgave her and we sought MC. I don't think i can handle it if W went to OM again.
She told me she didn't want to upset me that she contacted OM that is why she lied about the other Email Acct. I kind of believe that but not sure that is the whole story. I am at a loss of weather to Believe or Not.
Confused but trying to pick myself up day by day
Me:33 Wife:32 M: 6/26/99 D:8 S:6 Bomb: 8/08 PA MC/IC: 8/08-7/09 Bomb: 12/26/09 Contact OM(I need to work on me) In Limbo
You will be home soon and you will see what is what then. It is good that you caught the email. Her words are certainly not something she should be proud of, but they are not completely incriminating either. It is important that you go home happy to see your family. It is hard for women to be separated from their men for such a long time. Temptation can creep in. She needs to see you as much as you need to see her. Going to MC is a very good idea. Talking to your priest also may be helpful. Families need support to deal with the unnatural living conditions that deployment forces on them.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a healthy marriage. Where there is no trust the entire marriage can crumble. You need love, commitment, forgiveness, and trust. And you need them all at once, not one at a time. When you get home you will have the opportunity to prop up those four supports. Yes, it's a gamble to trust another person with your heart. But if you don't do it, you won't enjoy the rewards of a good loving relationship.
Please forgive the cynicism of so many of the people on this board. They have all been lied to, some for years. That doesn't mean that their situation is your situation. My husband lied to me too. but we repaired our marriage and over time we rebuilt the trust and commitment. And our marriage is better than before. If he spoke to his x-girlfriend one time and I found out, I would look him in the eye and remind him of the seriousness of his actions. But I would believe him if he told me it was innocent. Losing faith in my husband would be very detrimental to our marriage. I would not do it at the drop of a hat.
I hope that you will have a wonderful visit with your family.
Thank You for your time Lotus and you too Puppy.... I will continue to update as this whole thing plays out. I just don't want to go home and be completely lost as of how to handle myself and all. Of course i don't want to be blindsided either.
Me:33 Wife:32 M: 6/26/99 D:8 S:6 Bomb: 8/08 PA MC/IC: 8/08-7/09 Bomb: 12/26/09 Contact OM(I need to work on me) In Limbo
AS,Cheaters do not want to go to MC because they are mentally done with the marriage and are dreaming of the new relationship.
Simply NOT supported by data, I'm afraid. From studying thousands of affairs, I have seen that the MAJORITY will agree to (and some even OFFER) marriage counseling, for some combination of:
1) Looking good to family and friends;
2) Advised by their attorney;
3) Show that that "See? -- I did everything I could."
No, we do not know that she is, but she has before, the recidivism rate for affairs is EXTREMELY high if not ever addressed properly thru no-contact/transparency, MC specializing in infidelity, etc., and the current warning signs are all there.
