Norm, Please share more on what you read in the book. We all could benefit from your new wisdom and different POV.
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to you, Dane!
I will be glad to share as the opportunity arises. The book is not at all at odds with DB or DR. It just focuses specifically on infidelity. For example, Huizenga closes with these suggestions – each followed with a short paragraph that I won’t take the time to quote:
1. Act happy. Fake it if you have to. 2. Get a life. 3. Focus on 4 key words: I WILL MAKE IT. 4. To-the-point small talk. Keep conversations short and to the point. 5. Tend to agree. “I understand”. 6. Expand social relationships. 7. Get sexy. Work out, look good, etc.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
The one that fits my W to a “T” is, “I Need To Prove My Desirability”. He described my W and her behavior with uncanny accuracy. What really stood out, though, was, “The person who engages in this type of affair is the kind of person you would never dream would do such a thing”. I know, I know, no spouse believes that his/her spouse would cheat. What he means is this: My W is the kind of person who is known for her honesty and character. When I first told my trusted friend, who has known W for years, that she was having an affair his response was like, “Your W? With a married man? Okay, hold on Norm. Let’s talk about this buddy. I can’t believe she would disrespect another couple’s marriage like that! Are you sure?” He played the devil’s advocate for 20 minutes until I finally convinced him.
Huizenga goes on to say that this type of A will be short-lived because of the guilt. There is a war raging inside her. She is violating her own principles. The OM is making her feel desirable, but she does not believe that what she is doing is okay --- far from it. I’ve known her for 23 years. He’s right.
Confrontation: Huizenga deals with confrontation in the book as well as his videos. He does not recommend confrontation with this type of affair because of the guilt and says it usually makes things worse. He’s right.
This type of personality -- and affair -- also fits MY wife to a "T." And in my situation, aggressive confrontation and exposure worked really well. I don't think your example is applicable, since it was your wife confronting YOU, not the other way around. A well-thought-out plan of confrontation and selective exposure, and aggressive affair-busting, I think works exceptionally well with this type of affair, as this type of person is basically crying out for help, as it's NOT in their regular nature, as you state.
Thanks for responding, Puppy. I really appreciated it.
I haven’t ruled anything out. As you stated early in this thread, I don’t have to solve this problem tomorrow. What have I learned thus far is that the more I detach, the more clear-headed I become, and the more calculating. The “old” Norm would never have been so cool when W confronted. I didn’t blurt out whom I thought she was having an affair with. I didn’t produce the phone bills or text messaging. Again, I probably haven’t been perfect, but far better than I would have been without the help of people like you and Huizenga.
And, I think you’re right – she is crying out for help.
You make a really good point about W confronting me, not the other way around. Hadn’t thought of it that way, which is why I’m here – to get different points of view.
I’m going to have to get a lot tougher. I’m a softie. I don’t want to hurt her. But I know that she is going to have to take responsibility for what she is doing, and that is going to hurt. Her choice, her consequences. I’m not dithering at this point. Just thinking, weighing options, listening to advice, and praying.
Unfortunately, at this point, W and OM know I’m suspicious, and are probably wondering how much I really know. I’m guessing they will either cool it for a while or at the very least be very careful.
That said, I’ve changed one tactic. I’m not as friendly at the gym. I don’t give cold, hard, stares. But I do look at them more – expressionless. If I look angry, they know what to think and do. If I look hurt, they know what to think and do. But right now, they don’t know what I’m thinking or why. They just know I’m not stupid. And that turns up the heat.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Journaling (which I need to do much more than I have been doing):
I’ve stayed away from this board for about a week, although I glance at it occasionally. I find that reading it gets me down. So many people hurting. And it causes me to obsess about my sitch, which doesn’t seem healthy. Still, there are so many here who need support and the virtual ((((hugs)))). It’s not just about me. That’s my new motto.
Something Puppy wrote the other day struck a chord with me. With regard to spouses who are involved with an A he said (not an exact quote), “We can’t control them, but we don’t have to make it easy for them.” He’s right as always. So, I’ve decided to change tack.
Up to now, I’ve been very friendly with OM at the gym in order to keep the guard down. Now that the guard is up, I’m doing a 180. I’m going to SUDDENLY STOP being friendly. I won’t be overtly mean or nasty. But I will be COLD AS ICE. I’m going to make that guy as uncomfortable as I possibly can. I’m going make the both of them wonder what I know and/or how I know it. No more Mr. Niceguy.
I suspect W will just write it off. But I don’t think OM will. He has too much to lose. I’m going to make him as nervous as a cat in a room full of rockers.
I don’t have to stand idly by and watch this happen like a helpless baby, and I won’t. I’m done being the victim and I’m going on the offensive. Yes, W will get pissed. Let her. As someone else wrote, our marriage can handle her anger, but it cannot handle her adultery.
On another note, W came over today to get some of her stuff and brought a mutual female friend to help her. I cheerfully helped them pack her stuff and load it into their cars. Initially, I dreaded this. But when it was over, I got to give myself an “Atta boy!” I stayed strong, and I know she noticed. The “old” Norm – pre DB – would have been a basket case. Thanks guys!! Thanks to you guys, I knew what to do and how to do it.
Thanks to all who read and post. I love you all and my heart goes out to every one of you.
Norm
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
