Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Need some thoughts or suggestions on this.

Kids have suggested they invite W for tea one night and have tentatively done that. W's response was 'I don't know, maybe when I'm not busy'. I know that that's a "I'm having such a good time and am out enjoying myself without you H" dig, but I'm wondering if her coming round could be a good idea.

If we can all have a nice family tea without any R talk or pressure from me, it would give her a chance to see how much work I've done round the house and how much better it looks (for those that don't know one of the things W walked out on is the house we built together over 10 years).

Also she got S15 Guitar Hero for XMas and it would give her a chance to see what she's missing out on by not seeing the rest of us have an absolute blast playing it together as a family.

She hasn't been interested in coming round for weeks except to pick up the kids and then she doesn't come inside. I choose to think that she would miss the place and everything it stands for if she did, so is resisting the temptation to come in.

Anyone's thoughts would be more than welcome.

[ClingingToHope]

How long has she been out of the house? If it's less than six months then I doubt she notices anything. All the success stories I've read it took at least a year or more for the fog to lift.

[givingitmyall]

I know that that's a "I'm having such a good time and am out enjoying myself without you H" dig, but I'm wondering if her coming round could be a good idea.

Do you? Not trying to be a smarta$$, but you are mindreading here. That may be it. But, she may be uncomfortable and assume you will bring up the R. She may not know how to handle it.

The invite is out there. It's up to her to decide what to do with it. Just let her decide. And be there for the kids if she decides she can't.

No pursuit. You are fine whether she says yes or no.

[blownaway65]

CTH, she's been gone for 6 months with a brief return (5 weeks) 3 months ago. Said she wanted to come back and try US for the sake of the kids, but really it was just for her to be closer to them.

GIMA, I agree that I can't be pursuing and yes it's entirely likely that the R talks we've had in the past are what's putting her off coming round.

It would be the first real test of my resolve if she did and we could get thru an evening without me doing anything dumb.

[blownaway65]

Maybe start to get her accustomed to the idea that she can come round to see the kids without any pressure from me.

[blownaway65]

OK, I'm just starting to notice that she's been removing things from the house. Nothing big, and strictly speaking mostly stuff she's been given or we've made together, but I can't be sure.

She must have been in the house while me and the kids were at my parents over XMas

Trouble is we have that much "stuff" after 23 years I wouldn't ever be able to work out exactly what she has taken.

[givingitmyall]

Have you spoken with a L yet? Sounds like a legal issue. May not be anything (yet) to worry about. May be a big deal.

Get some advice.

[blownaway65]

Yeah I know I should, deep down I'm hesitant to though, you know it's just that it's the next step to the big bang.

When her and BIL had to move out of their rented house 6 weeks ago W said she might take the couch (she bought & is paying for it) because BIL's would not fit. I asked her not to and said it was because it has a fold out bed and we might need it for visitors. What I was really thinking was that this is the first bit of "our stuff" that she's taking and I didn't want it to happen. She took it anyway while me & kids were away.

Not sure what the legalities of D are in USofA, but here law will say 50/50 after 10 years (including Suparannuation). I guess at the very least I should be getting a list of exactly what she is taking.

In theory the 50/50 goes right down the line. I've always paid the mortgage, rates and all utilities. Even though she's not here, if things go nasty and we have to sell up she will wind up with half the house value which I've been paying for alone.

But I know I have to look after me and the kids so I guess I really have to get some professional advice.

[blownaway65]

Oh yeah, the other thing about the house being half hers. I'm not legally allowed to change the locks to stop her coming in when I'm not home.

I have asked the kids to ring me though if she turns up wanting to take anything else. I explained the LAW to them and they understand that what she is doing isn't legal and not just my sense of "stop doing this to me".

[blownaway65]

Nasty as it sounds I'm glad I have access to W's E-Mail.

I sent this today:

My advice is that much as I would like to, I can't legally change the locks on the house because you own half of it.

I really do feel sorry for you because you seem to be under the impression that you have to resort to these tactics.

I have told you this before, after 23 years there is no "mine and hers". EVERYTHING we own belongs to us both.

Accordingly I will need a list of all the things you have taken from the house other than your clothes so they can be valued before being divided.

This was a couple of hours after I discovered she had been taking things from the house. I know I should, and will, consult a Solicitor, but am I justified in doing this, or should I take the line "If in doubt do nothing" and don't sweat the small stuff ?

Anyway It's deleted from her E-Mail - I can always send it again