My approach with the OM is to not give him the benefit of any lip service...he is not worth my time. I have to admit I have failed at this twice over the past 4 months, once just a couple of weeks ago with the holiday discovery. This was a huge mistake. I re-inforced all of his good qualities and all of my bad ones... I am still pissed at myself for this.
It is amusing in a way; I am supposed to give the impression I do not give a crap about the OM yet my current actions are limiting family time becuase of him so, obviously I am broadcasting that I do give a crap. I guess I could say that I do not really give a crap yet I have moral issues with what he represents...how weak is that?
I am starting to prepare myself for the next big hurdle..the kids intro to the OM. Not sure how to approach this one. I guess I will just play it cool and be there for the kids if they get upset. However, I do not want anything to do with this dude. I do not want to meet him or see him. I plan on making this clear to my W, in a nice way.
It is good to expect the worst and hope for the best. I would hope that she would let you know that she is going to tell the kids so you could be ready for the fallout. BTW how old are your kids? Depending on their age I would let her know that you are putting this on her that you are not part of the decision to end the marriage and that you definitely think that what mommy is doing is wrong and you do not agree but she is an adult and can make her own choices. This all depends on age IMHO. I know what your thinking...where is the compasionate, loving, give her a pass "missherlove" man you have been conversing with?
This is part of my own strategy, show them you can change and you can be the man they have dreamed about but the other part of that man is just that "A MAN" Been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" can you tell? I think you deal with the D paperwork accordingly, if no time limits, no courts involved, ignore it. If she is spending time with you and kids or just you on a date, fine business as usual, lots of 180's and upbeat PMA. She wants permission to further destroy and cause pain to the family its time to MAN UP!!! Now don't get me wrong here if she is still seeing him and chooses not to tell the kids then it is still Mr. Nice guy, suck it up. But if she starts pushing the D or the children meeting OM then gloves come off. Check out my thread and I will update in a minute on the day's events for me.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Kids are 6 and 8. My idea of taking the high road and being her friend is to insure at a minimum, that we have a decent relationship for the sake of the kids, even after the D. Taking off the gloves could really make things ugly. Like you said, I need to be the better man, right? However, I do not want to be a sap either.
She rarely spends time with me and the kids so for all intent and purposes we are already divorced. I think ignoring the paperwork would just create more issues.
I did talk to the kids about D and what that means..they were pretty upset. Intro with OM is not an option for now until they have time to acclimate (assuming she will even listen to me).
I feel like that a bit as well and several have hammered me for being too nice. At times, I look back and feel like we really haven't been married for three years -- things changed in January 2007 for what must have been a variety of reasons.
I haven't seen any D paperwork and actually am considering pushing for it myself because I made some bad decisions last May that I'll probably need legal help to rectify.
My girls are 7 and 10 and the 10-year-old really, really wants us to get back together. So if I end up filing it's going to be really hard to tell her.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I hate having all the burden. To be honest we do not see each other enough to be friends; no emails or calls as well. I think being friendly is about the best I can do for now. Being enemy's will only cause more injury. What were your thoughts when you said "taking off the gloves (e.g., cold shoulder, no more Mr. friendly)?
In my case, I haven't had a chance to. In November, we had a heated discussion over who would take a day off work because D7 was sick. She DEMANDED I take the next day off. I told her she couldn't demand I do anything since it was her day to have them and I've been paying her support.
She ended up hanging up. She then called back the next day to say she had it taken care of. Since, when we have talked there hasn't been a cross word.
In my case, I want to make some changes to my sitch, but I can't imagine W will agree to them willingly and asking without filing would look weak (I want 50/50 custody and no more CS).
You sound like you've been more than fair and some on here will say way too nice so I'd say yes, cold shoulder. I mean she is out-and-out seeing someone else. That calls for gloves off.
In my sitch, if there is an OM she's awful good at hiding it because I've checked everything I can. If I find out there is one my attitude changes immediately. Right now, I'm treating it more as an MLC/depression thing.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Well, I went crazy and did the unthinkable, called mom and dad for advice. They have been married for almost 60 years.
I am going to be friendly but try to have very limited contact. I think the marriage is to dead to try anything else, at least for now. No more games, just be myself. If that is not good enough, then it is not good enough. Her loss, right?
The acceptance part of all this is going to be an uphill climb, but I know at the top happiness awaits. This holds true for all of is.
ClingingToHope, no more snooping...it will only cuase more damage at this point...trust me!
DWinter, yes I know. The hard part is when school is in session and I'm over at the house for an hour until the daycare lady gets there. Soooooooooo easy to look around. But a friend of mine told it's actually against the law to check the computer and such. I surrendered the right when I moved out.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
