Hi Lisa!!! Good to hear from you girl! We need to catch up!
Happy New Year again everyone! Make it a good one.
Happy or comfotable unhappy? We are comfortable unhappy at the moment. Maybe unhappy is a bit strong but the truth is we are both walking on eggshels which makes it practically impossible to be happy now. I realised I am expecting some kind of a break through but it doesnt happen. Still no intimacy with H. After the fight we had a civilised evening in front of my family and our kids and exchanged gifts in private. I got H a book about football, a nice Boss polo shirt to wear with suits and a Sony frame with 100 of our pictures loaded. And I included lots of pictures of myself, not just the kids. Unfortunately many had time stamps and they were taken during his A while he was crazy about that woman and "I was sleeping with my shoes on" as we say. He bought me a Burberry's scarf and a wrist purse. He told me about a DG pair of shoes that tried to get me but they didnt have my size. At least his gifts are getting more...personal. Still not a word, not ILY, no new year, new begining speeches. I had written him a small card saying "I had different plans for NY Eve but our fight cancelled those. So, I just wish you to find what you are looking for and that you get where your heart wishes to be"
We slept at our corners and then next morning I initiated a convo. During our fight I used on purpose one of his fav phrases "you are the worst person I have met in my life and sadly I married you" Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... I think he got the point although I promise, my intention wasnt to hurt him, he just Pi$$ed me off BIG time...
Anyway, he said he cant see the future in 3 months time. He has no idea how things will be but he thinks the difficulties we are facing are normal. He said having a fight isnt the end of the world and we should just deal with it and make sure we are not hurtful to each other next time.
He said he is blocking her email and asked me to help him do it. I tried to be graceful and said "ok, thanks, we'll do that later, lets talk about us now" so he cancelled the logging to his account and I missed my chance to have his password thru my keylogger Better luck next time I guess, I will be sly not graceful... LOL
He has been eager to arrange things for us as a family with friends, going out to eat etc etc. We sometimes have a good time. Most of the times, I am fighting images and dealing with triggers. It does get easier. But I need to let go of the principle that letting it go, means he gets off the hook easily. I guess I am looking for some...justice. Right over happy? Always try to ask myself that question.
Our D's wishes included a Barbie doll, a real tree and...her dad to move back in. So in the car today, she asked if he knew her wish. He said he read it and she asked him "so, will you make my wish happen?" Point blank. He said with no hesitation "I want to" and she asked "what's stopping you then, I've been a pretty good girl last year?" To that, he failed to answer. My son has been quiet. He watches, notices, registers what's happenning. He told me 3 nights ago "I know you guys are trying, just know mom, I am not taking things for granted". His way of taking the pressure off me. A REALLY incredible kid. I know, as he grows up, I wont have to tell him anything, he will know.
Tonight H is playing cards,a tradition to play cards here around New Years. He called to let me know and made sure I had the number where he is at. He asked if I minded and I suprised him with a "what? dont be ridiculous, have fun!!" I dont mind.
My goals include Transparency Loving acts stop preaching him find a good MC set a day/night time per week we have on our own dealing with "her" stop intimidating him
The last few days it dawned on me: he is scared he will loose himself. He is terrified he has to give up what he gained by leaving. His "rebel act" would go wasted in a way, you know? He already told me o nce "you are manipulating me so well, I dont know which way is up anymore, and so soon!!!" He always said I am a strong willed person (guilty), tough girl(far from the truth, if he knew how much he influences me, he would be shocked), overwhelming character (partially guilty). The more he IS "here", he is holding on to himself stubbornly, unfortunately in ways that dont help us reconnect. I may have to talk to him about this because in some ways I have the same feelings. I dont feel he is an overwhelming character, but he always had this effect on me where I am trying to smooth out my self/expressions to match his "passive" character. Trying to be more like him while what got us together initially was that we were complementing each other, we were never the "same" (couldnt STAND another me!!! LOL!!).
We need help communicating. We are BOTH judgemental in familiar ways from the past and we both have said noumerous times lately to each other "I am not how you assume me to be". Telling huh? I wish Retro was in Greek, sigh!!!
Anyway, I think that was too much for now. Take care everyone, some people have a lot less than what we have and guess what?: They are happy! K
Yeah I know... He didnt take it well and he was even more hurt when I said he just "plays the good person he is a rotten person inside" . Again something that really hurt me years ago. So, when we talked I asked him if he remembered how many times I had cried myself to sleep after being told I had a chitty soul etc etc... I think he got the point although I promise, my intention wasnt to hurt him, he just Pi$$ed me off BIG time...
Better luck next time I guess, I will be sly not graceful... LOL
