Thanks, Lotus. I still don't get it all - hope you and or bluerain can help me understand.
But apparently I occasionally get it right even if I don't know how. About fifteen minutes after I sent that message my H got on and started talking to me. He hasn't done that in quite awhile - 4 months or so. I didn't talk about me; I didn't talk much at all. I just validated the things he was saying and tried to ask intelligent questions. We only talked about me a little bit at the end of the conversation when he was trying to teach me some computer stuff. And before he let me go to sleep at 4 am (let me tell you I've been dragging butt all day! ) he asked me if the kids were being good. I took as many opportunities to compliment him during the conversation without being fake, just where it seemed right. I have been exhausted all day, but it was worth it. We talked for almost two hours - something that hasn't happened since I can't remember when. And it wasn't superficial; he was actually telling me important stuff. So another baby step...maybe two or three really.
Like I said, still confused on how to reconcile the approaches you mentioned, blue. Help me out if you get a chance, please.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
) he asked me if the kids were being good. I took as many opportunities to compliment him during the conversation without being fake, just where it seemed right. I have been exhausted all day, but it was worth it. We talked for almost two hours - something that hasn't happened since I can't remember when. And it wasn't superficial; he was actually telling me important stuff. So another baby step...maybe two or three really. 
