Yes, it's good to let him know you are pleased with his accomplishments. Feel free to send him happy messages such as that one. Don't send him messages where you criticize him (or his mother).
Thanks, Lotus. I still don't get it all - hope you and or bluerain can help me understand.
But apparently I occasionally get it right even if I don't know how. About fifteen minutes after I sent that message my H got on and started talking to me. He hasn't done that in quite awhile - 4 months or so. I didn't talk about me; I didn't talk much at all. I just validated the things he was saying and tried to ask intelligent questions. We only talked about me a little bit at the end of the conversation when he was trying to teach me some computer stuff. And before he let me go to sleep at 4 am (let me tell you I've been dragging butt all day! ) he asked me if the kids were being good. I took as many opportunities to compliment him during the conversation without being fake, just where it seemed right. I have been exhausted all day, but it was worth it. We talked for almost two hours - something that hasn't happened since I can't remember when. And it wasn't superficial; he was actually telling me important stuff. So another baby step...maybe two or three really.
Like I said, still confused on how to reconcile the approaches you mentioned, blue. Help me out if you get a chance, please.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
You dont have to be super affectionate to be the better alternative. In fact, if the attention isnt wanted, he will find it repulsive... which will make you feel awful. You shouldnt be mean to him, you should always be decent and respectful and kind, but you want to be aloof, why will he want it? Because men want what they cant have, and you need to act like you are moving on and just fine without him. Im not saying that you should date.
He has betrayed your trust in a pretty major way, he needs to earn it back. Why does he deserve for you to serve him dinner after you have spent the entire day taking care of 3 kids and a home, while he is flirting with someone on the other side of the country? The dinner is there, and he knows how to spoon himself some spaghetti. Its not mean, mean would be serving yourselves and putting it away before he gets any. Its about not treating someone who is being disrespectful of you, your marriage, and your family, like a good husband.
When you do talk to him, I think that it sounds like your doing pretty well. Keep it upbeat, if you have been critical in the past, compliment him when it is warranted. And you be the one to end the convo. It sounds like the convo went well, and those things can be really good for your positive mental attitude.
As far as fixing when you have been so critical in the past, I think that you should start asking for help again. And if he doesnt do it in just the "right" way, let it go. If you fix it while hes not looking he will notice, and he might be paying attention when you first start making these changes.
Im sorry if it sounds like some of this will not make sense, but when there is an active A going on, most of this is about making YOU ok.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks, blue. I am struggling right now with an awful cold, so I haven't been up to doing much. All I want to do when I'm awake is sleep, and when I try to sleep I have insomnia! But hopefully my new prescription will help with that.
On the marriage front...I'm not really sure. My H doesn't call or initiate much contact with me, but when we do talk he's fairly nice. I'm still kind of just waiting to see how it goes once I get to AZ. Then I can adjust my strategy. I'm current;y reading "How to Get Through to the Man You Love" but am trying to keep in mind that 99% of the suggestions are no good until he ends the A.
I'm trying to figure out whether or not to add some men to my FB. They're old classmates - grade school in fact. I think it would be kind of neat to reconnect, but I don't want H to think I'm dating or even looking because that's not it. And I know it drives me nuts that all but a few of his FB friends are women. Grrr...there are days when I hate the internet, even though I have this support system and can talk to friends. I met my ex OM online, my H met his OW online. It's just too easy!
I do have more to add, but I need to dress kiddos and get my oldest ready for preschool. Be back with more thoughts later!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
So here's some of what I'm thinking/doing right now.
I had been talking to my H often - we've had things to go over about house, move etc. But the last few days I have been online and so has he. But I am not engaging him in conversation. He can see I'm here, so maybe he'll wonder what I'm doing. In any case I won't have him thinking I sit at my computer all day waiting to see of he gets on (even though I sort of do since I do spend a lot of time online right now). But he doesn't need to know that.
Also I've come to a conclusion, but I wanted to get some input from people here as you have more experience. I intend to not have sex with my H as long as he continues contact with the OW. It's not a punishment, but I intend to tell him I won't share him and, to me, that is the best way to show I mean it. I thought up what I want to say, and I have tried saying it out loud. Not so it sounds scripted or rehearsed, but to be sure I can actually say it.
When he tries to be intimate with me I want to say, "Please stop. This is an act of intimacy for me, and I can't have that with you as long as you are involved with her. I will only make love to my husband and you have told me you don't want to be that. Let me know if that changes."
Obviously it might not be those exact words, but something close to that. Does this sound like a good idea? I don't intend to bring it up unless he does something I would only share with him and no one else.
I slept well last night, for a change. It was so pleasant. But my cold is really kicking my butt. I have a sore throat and constant low level headache. Ick
Oh yes, and I'm writing an essay. I will try, with the help of a handy journalism professor, to get it into a women's magazine. The essay is entitled "How I Lost My Husband in the Dishwasher." It's going to be a sort of mini lecture on Michele's principles. I'll give her full credit for the research, of course. But I think many women who read it might pick up one of the books. It could help more people find answers. I'll let you know how it goes.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hi Undefeated, I think that its very wise for you to plan on not being intimate with him if it is one of your boundaries! And I think that its smart to try it on for size by saying it outloud! Just make sure that you dont give in!
I think that often in a failing relationship sex is one of the last intimate ways that a couple can interact, but when there is an A involved it just sort of becomes an opportunity for cake eating and the possible introduction of STI's!
The essay sounds neat, youll have to send me the info on FB!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Hey undefeated, I wanted to tell you about something that I saw on another sitch that made me think of yours. In this case, having sex with a spouse after an affair has been discovered can constitute basically condoning it as far as your court case goes. So you should find out if thats the case for your state too, just in case...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks, I will have to keep that in mind. The military won't really care whether or not I was still intimate with him (they'll hand him his a$$) but it will be important if we do reach D day.
I have to call my H soon. I need to know the specifics of the move and he hasn't bothered to fill me in. I feel like every time I ask him about any of it he must think I don't trust him to do it, or do it right. I do believe he will do everything that needs done. But I can't stay in the dark until he says, "Oh by the way, you need to leave tomorrow." It's frustrating.
Everything is a bit frustrating at the moment, really. My kids, my family, his family, the move, him. I may have to go back to taking Xanax daily. Stress makes me grouchy and kind of mean.
Talk to you soon!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
) he asked me if the kids were being good. I took as many opportunities to compliment him during the conversation without being fake, just where it seemed right. I have been exhausted all day, but it was worth it. We talked for almost two hours - something that hasn't happened since I can't remember when. And it wasn't superficial; he was actually telling me important stuff. So another baby step...maybe two or three really. 
It's frustrating.