Vacillating husband

[Serenity13]

(((Trent)))

Always nice to see you - Can you head over to "first time poster" Dennis - When you have a chance?

Ruined - Sorry about the T/J

[Vulcanized]

Thank you all!

I had already been doing alot of the things on the list.

I'm a little discoraged at the moment.

[TrentC]

Thank you all!

I had already been doing alot of the things on the list.

I'm a little discoraged at the moment.

That's normal; saving your marriage is not going to be easy. Not when society expects you to do what "feels" best for you, and marriages are treated as disposable. What we are doing is almost literally counter-cultural.

Take a look at britt54's thread to get an idea of what it can take to go from where you are to (hopefully) a better place: Can I save my marriage?

[motherof3]

Hang in there. One of the many things that I have learned through my sitch is that things are not going to happen overnight.

I have been told over and over again that time is our friend. Patience is the key.

You are going to be okay no matter what. Start by making yourself happy first. I know that it won't be easy, I have been there and am still there at times.

(((Ruined)))

[Vulcanized]

I have been trying to make myself happy; thusly to no avail.

I'm constantly angry. He has no idea, as we have had almost no contact for a month.

EA still continuing. Want to set boundary regarding it, but have no clue what consequences should be. Have been reading other's threads on this, but still am unsure.

I have appt with L. on Monday.

Am thinking of moving back to marital home & telling him that if he wishes to end M. he should be one to move out. Also think of telling him that he will help me refinance house so that I can make the mortgage on my own. His reward for being cooperative is that I won't file under adultery.

Ideas, suggestions?

[soleil]

Am thinking of moving back to marital home & telling him that if he wishes to end M. he should be one to move out.

Spot on. This is an excellent idea. Go home. He can move if he's so miserable.

[Vulcanized]

Thank you, soleil.

I'm just so indicisive and unsure of myself now. Which is definitely a 180 for me!

[Vulcanized]

Went home to talk to H yesterday; haven't seen him in almost 5 weeks. Minimal text/email. 1 call the entire time, initiated by me.

H says still wants D. Told him I plan on moving back to home in the next few weeks. H became defensive, asking if I was telling him to move out. H said it was unfair for me to expect him to pay both rent and 1/2 mortgage.

Calmly said that he did not have to move out. Told him that my current situation [hiding out at friend's house on the other side of town] was no longer viable for me. Told him that for the amount of $ to stay here, might as well put into my own mortgage.

I made a half-hearted effort to find apt. for myself. But kept having thought that I don't want D.; if H wants D, H should move out. That cemented my decision to return home. Told H this.

I've spent the last 9 weeks sorting myself out. Gave him plenty of time/space to figure himself out. In the interim, he has become more entrenched in EA. Still think it hasn't turned into PA.

Sent him brief email outlining my boundaries regarding EA last week. Told him that I could not and would not have R w/H while 3rd party had power to interfere / influence the M. H did not reply [H has denied OW as nothing more than 'friend'] in any way. Did not bring it up at all yesterday. I made my point.

H mentioned that he has been waiting for me to come and talk to him regarding finances, house, D. I pulled a no-show 3 times in the last month. Apologized for this. Everytime I didn't show was due to being afraid that I'd be unable to contain my emotions. Didn't want to go yesterday, but felt like if I didn't, the situation would become increasingly worse.

H commented that he had no idea what I'd been up to the last 9 weeks. Replied 'that's true'. The reality is: much crying, chain-smoking, went from 160 lbs to 135, reading DB & DR, trying to get emotions under control. Thought that perhaps H should imagine that I'm moving on [which is true]. At this point, want M to work, but will be ok if it does not.

H mentions that he is concerned that my friends are bad-mouthing him. Say that is not the case, and H says 'not like I see them anyway'. H says that he is worried I will become 'vindictive'. That brought me to tears. Ask him when have I been vindictive during the last 6 years. H says 'never'. H back-pedals statement to that is his current mind-set, NOTHING goes right for him, most people are crap, his life is falling apart, etc.

Seems as if H is depressed, which I said to him 6 months ago. H denied it at the time. Seems to be getting worse.

I'm thinking that if I continue to GAL, do 180s, and be patient with H, maybe I can turn this situation around. I hope...

[mnt_dreams]

I'm impressed by how composed you were yesterday during the talk. Good job staying matter of fact, and as unemotional as you could. Nice job.

Stay mysterious... he doesn't need to know what you've been up to for the last 9 weeks. Let him wonder. Stay upbeat, strong. You're doing well.

[Vulcanized]

Thank you mnt.

It's hard to stay positive at times. Especially when RL friends are definitely discouraging!