Good. HAve you always given answers? If so, 180 with no answers.
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She told me that she wants to know before Monday so that she knows where we stand.
This is a test. Do not give her any information about the future or talk about the past. PROJECT that you are "Happy" now.
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This is the part that I didn't think through. How do I convey to her that this is not up to her to decide?
You keep making changes. You be respectful.
Either one of you can decide if you want to separate. You are no longer under her spell. You make your decisions on what is best for you and your kids. UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES IS VERY IMPORTANT. Go read the boundaries thread. My last one worked. She still has a right to say no, but she will deal with the consequences of her choices.
"When you (irresponsible behavior) I Feel (angry,sad,disappointed,regret) If you continue (irresponsible behavior) Then I will behave this way. If you choose (responsible hehavior), then I will behave this way.
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She already felt if I was controlling.
Boundaries put the choices back on her. You are no longer controlling. YOu gain respect.
W: "You are controlling" "I am sorry you feel I am controlling" and leave it at that. Do not defend your choices or actions.
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She stated again that she wanted to talk about the conv we had last night
Has R talk ever worked for anyone at this stage? I would like to strongly suggest that you are in control of your choices and that AVOIDING R TALK LIKE THE PLAGUE has worked for others and is your best choice.
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She wanted to talk about it b/c she stated she said some things that she wanted to either take back or explain. She refered to things that were hurtful.
AVOID THIS.
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I can validate but she is looking for answers from me.
Validate, but DO NOT ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.
"I am not sure, I will need time to think about that"
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Is it "normal" for WAS types to get very angry when all you are doing is validating and they want answers.
YES. Let her OWN all her anger. She needs to deal with it. It is not your job to deal with her anger.
"You look(sound) angry." "Yes, I understand that" "You have said that before, if you have anything new to say, I will listen, other wise I am done talking"
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She wants to know if we are going to reconcile or not.
DO NOT GIVE HER AN ANSWER. You now need lots of "ACTION" from her part. Actions are changes in HER behavior and words that show she is willing to do the work.
You can set boundaries on this. Think of some and run them past us.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
