Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

[sandi2]

Hey Cutter. I know all the points you are making. I understand them. I'm just talking from the POV of a WAW in an EA. You may make perfect logical sense, but remember that the WAW is in that fog and she will not see it the same way. As far as shame, punishment, all of that sort of emotional guilt baggage......I would not have stayed in my M if my H had exposed me to our friends & relatives. I can only speak for me and my situation, but I think this quote from another WAW says it best:

his W said that she would have walked if she had to bear the full brunt of guilt, shame, withdrawal from OM and his hurt all at once, even though she wanted to stay.

I could not have handled all of it in one dose, either. I do believe there are some cases that certain things have to be considered. It may have worked for Puppy in his stitch (and that was the one that finally swayed me to the exposure technique)but even after that.....I know it would not have worked for me. It scares me to death to think what I would have done or what "rock bottom" may have meant for me before I would have come back into this MR and faced everyone who knew me, and knowing that I had to bear the scarlette "A" on my forehead for the rest of my life. The H may find a way to forgive, but the town, gossipy friends, and relatives are not near as forgiving. The WAW is the subject at every family reunion, the office's latest topic, the neighborhood.....well, you get the idea.

I once asked Puppy--if the H was addicted to porn should that be "exposed" like exposing the WAW in an EA. He thought it should. However, I still have a problem exposing to the world what is a private matter at home and between a H & W. And you might as well say to the world, b/c if you tell a few friends....family.....please, the world will know pretty soon!

I'm not going back on what I have suggested to LBH's who have a WAW in an A, but I don't think I am qualified to answer their questions and tell them "how to".....and I feel like I have been left doing that lately. (Nobody's fault....just the way it fell.) It's not a good feeling and I have not done a good job at it. I would feel very responsible if it made things worse.

I agree about a lot of the things you said in favor of the exposure. I really do. But, I believe it should be when the W is boldly rebelious about her A and more or less rubs the H's nose in it....as if to laugh in his face about giving up the OM. That is about the only time that I feel comfortable in telling a man to hit the expose button.

Not trying to create an argument b/c I've been down this road with Pup and another one or two before. I was mainly upset at another thread I had read this morning. I felt like I was partly responsible for that newcomer acting too quickly in exposing....before he had all the information he needed. I wanted Junco to be sure of what he was doing before acting.