We all need the reminders even those of us much further down the road. We just don’t want to see you, or anyone get stuck.
The same responses, well you get them, because they are what we have learned to be the truth.
One of the hardest things for me with all of this, is I too am a fixer of sorts. I am a natural caregiver. So for me it was very difficult to not want to try something, anything, to fix this and make it better. Better for who, at the beginning I would have said H, but now I have to admit that it is better for me. As I understood more of what I was dealing with, and I started “fixing” myself instead of worrying about him, girl, it was leaps and bounds.
Yes it is hard to not “fix” for him. It is hard to say, his choices and his consequences. Because I know they could have been different. But the bottom line is, if he wants things fixed, it is up to him to do that work.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I am going to tell you a short story. My D23, who is bipolar had quit school, come home, ran away to live with my father. They were enabling her to continue, and she had not yet been diagnosed as BP. This finally blew up about a year later and she came home. We were finally able to get her into a facility to help her. I was so scared that she wouldn't take the meds. She was refusing at first. I slipped her one and told her it was a vitamin. The therapists had a cow! They were so mad at me! But the fixer in me didn't want my D23 to not get help. I was scared because my mother has been BP my whole life. I didn't want my D23 to refuse help like my mother. In retrospect they were right and I was wrong. D23 has taken control of her own mental health takes her pills religously, she has graduated college and has a great job.
Some times you have to let go, and let the birds fly out of the nest. Your 180 with your H is to let go. Stop fixing. He will notice. You may not get results right away but it is the only path that you can take to get to where you really want to be.
that is what i am beginning to be able to do...today i am scrubbing walls, yes...scrubbing walls...
it is almost impossible for me to get away from here because of the girls...so I let them have a friend over...and in working on the things that i have let slip by the past several months, by being consumed with h...
this is our home...need to get it back to that.
got the music on and goin to town!!! it easier when I keep busy. if i sit , i stew!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
LOL - I went through a wall scrubbing stage, too!:) It is satisfying to do projects with tangible results. It is definitely harder to get out with kids. Just keep your focus on them, yourself, and those walls!:)
You are not in a competition w/others here. You are the person you have always been, strong, independent, safe and very much rational. The new friends he makes are those who do not know the history of him, his life or his marriage to you. Be yourself...do not change to please him. If you have changes that need to be made, do it for you, not him.
As for his new friends.....nothing says you have to like them or be part of that little clique. In fact, the less you deal w/that bunch, the better. If he wants to talk to you about them, you can opt to listen, but I can assure you, they are as immature and irresponsible as he is right now.
You are far, far better than any of that new crowd.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When they talk about him being a great guy, just smile and walk away. Do not justify and/or defend yourself w/them. He has rewritten history and that history has painted you most likely as a demon. You know better.
He's trying to be something he isn't. They all do this. They want to impress the world and want the world to adore them. He wants everyone to be a "pal". He's out of his league and eventually will be the laughing stock w/them.
Eventually history will right itself, but in time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, it is sad. However, we all know that there's nothing we can do about it. They have to go through the entire crisis and some day, when they wake up, they may feel like fools.
All you can do is pray for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
