feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

I don't know how to relate to you guys what's happening to me when I don't understand it myself! NYE was ok until we watched ball drop - both falling asleep on couch. No happy new year or kiss - we went to bed - I was disgusted. I felt at least a kiss would have been respectful even if not real. I told him "you're disgusting" sorry but I was pissed. He cursed back at me, "F you (my name)" you didn't do a g'damn thing either. (it hasn't gotten this ugly in a while)

He got up the next morning being very nice. Making me coffee and serving me breakfast. I was like whatever. I decided to just go with it cuz I was in no mood to fight - I am emotionally beat down. A friend invited me over for bbq so we went. He was polite even though he had some beers in him.

We came home and he continued to drink (shaking my head) 5 beers weren't enough so he poured himself a bloody mary. I was trying to be nice by not nagging but he wasn't being ugly so I tried to talk him out of drinking some more. He wouldn't listen so I let it go. I figured I could just put him to bed. (yes I know what you are all thinking right now he so has a drinking problem)

We went into the room cuz the boys were in the livingroom. He initiates sex and I play it off as maybe later so I didn't seem like I was rejecting (LOL it was hard) but I did it G! I told him, "why would you want to have sex with me when you just told me you don't know if you want to be married anymore?
He gets upsets and says, "see I'm trying" and walks away mumbling something. He goes out back in to the LR with the boys for a minute and then he comes back.

Back in the room he starts to talk to me about last night (new years eve) He started to tear up and said, "I'm really sorry for talking to you like that" and he hugged me and held on to me for a minute. I'm not even feeling relieved but blank. I think he is going too far. While he's telling me this I'm searching for a "feeling"...what am I feeling? I'm not believing him..not caring..feeling blank.

I put him to bed after a while and that was our night. I wake up this morning to talk to him about his drinking. He is defensive and I fight back and finally get to him. I'm telling him what it is doing to the kids! I tell him to think about our feelings for once instead of his own. He says, "I got it..are you done?" cold huh?

So..he starts to make breakfast for everyone...changing his tone. He says, "I'm trying T"...I don't know what that means anymore! Oh!! and one more thing while he is making breakfast I tell him "I see your acts of service" and I know that's your way BUT it's not OUR way. I see what you do for us....but we don't want things or acts of service - we want a CARING husband and father. He nodded and said, "I understand."

One messed up man I'm living with right now.

Luv