Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I don't think you should date XW1, and agree it is a good thing that you are on friendly terms with her.

If you don't mind me asking, what were the reasons for the first divorce?

As Facebook would say, It's Complicated, and this question is most likely to lead to a small novel here.

XW1 and I FIL when I was 18. She was my Dad's (Baptist minister) secretary, and was 5 yrs my senior. I had recently been dumped my my "long-term" HS sweetheart (3 years together) and I was quite flattered that someone older than me showed an interest.

XW1 and I were together for a year when her sister was killed in a car accident. She became the legal guardian of her sister's 8yo daughter, who had been in the accident and watched her mother die before her eyes. Despite the trauma that both of them felt due to XW1's sister's death, we stayed together as an "instant family" for two more years before we got married. During this dating period, I did my best during the day to fill the role of a parental figure, but at night, I sowed many wild oats behind her back...the only time I've ever cheated on someone I loved.

I married XW1 when I was 21, and moved directly from my parents house to my first marital home (apt). I dropped all extra-curricular activities and remained faithful to her while we were married. The next year, I started a good career, was transferred and we moved 250 miles from my family. Over the next 3+ years, I felt more and more overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenthood. My MIL also had moved in with us, and XW1 and I were no longer the "couple" that we had started as. I felt like I been required to mature too quick and act like an adult, even when I still felt like I kid. XW1 also felt overwhelmed and separated from me, moving back to our home town. She also had started developing serious mental problems and she wanted to focus on working on these issues. MIL and niece moved to another state and XW1 and I both got small apartments and lived alone for about 5 months. Around month 5 apart, I met this very cute, athletic college girl who was 5 years younger than me and I became totally infatuated with her (she had my brain chemistry going strong). A month later, XW1 asked to come back and try to reconcile M. I cruelly told her "no" and refused her offer. I thought I had found "the one" and divorced XW1.

Within 6 months of D, I married XW2. I ignored many signs of incompatibility and let my brain chemistry and the pressure from XW2's parents drive my decision to marry her. The chemicals quickly waned in both of us, and she divorced me before we had been together 2 years. Classic rebound script. I've never seen or spoken to XW2 again.

XW1 and I remained friendly after our D, but I was never open to returning to a R with her. She went through years of dealing with her mental problems (multiple personality disorder) and fighting to become integrated once again. She succeeded, and managed to get her life together, although resigned to herself that she would spend the rest of her life alone.

Fearing a similar rebound situation as XW2, when I met STBXW, I fought my feelings HARD. It had already been 9 months since D from XW2 was final, but I was still in no place to start a new R. STBXW and I became close friends and kept it non-serious for over a year before we finally admitted to each other that it was more than that. STBXW moved in with me, and we spent 4 (fantastic) years together (including life-changing moves to Dallas and Colorado) before we felt we had a strong enough R to get M. Our M was very strong and full of love until shortly after the birth of S7, when the R started changing.

I'm thankful that XW1 and I remained friendly for all these years since our D. She never allowed us to completely lose touch with each other, even when I was in the middle of R with STBXW. We would occasionally meet for lunch/dinner when she was in town and we learned how to be just friends (not "just friends").

Over the years, as STBXW and I started having problems, XW1 was a semi-objective voice that I would sometimes turn to for advice/opinion. When the bomb dropped this year, I found myself turning to XW1 more frequently. Her knowledge of "who I am" gave her insight that I couldn't get from anyone else. The contact has increased significantly since STBXW moved out, and my life started crumbling around me. Since I found out about the serial adultery of STBXW, XW1 and I have spoken pretty much on a daily basis. I also went and visited her and niece during the holidays, and found myself surprisingly comfortable being around my "1st Family".

This led to the conversation XW1 and I had the night before last, when we finally confronted the elephant in the room. I'm glad she is able to acknowledge and accept that I'm in no place for a R right now. It does make me feel good to be wanted/loved as I'm stinging from the betrayal/rejection of STBXW, but we both know that it's going to take a LONG time for me to get to the place I need to be before I can dive into a healthy R.

XW1 and I talked for 2.5 hours last night, and it was more like it was before. No R talk, just two long-time friends sharing details of their lives...catching up on 20+ years of experiences we've had apart. Luckily, XW1 lives in another state, so our visits are infrequent. She is going to come up for dinner with me while S7 is at Disney World in a couple of weeks, but she's assured me there is no ulterior motive to the visit, and I won't allow it to be anything more.