Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

So yes, drop the rope. But I think it's because mentally you have to. Just don't expect the same results when there is an A involved.

At least, that is my experience and my 2p worth.

I think people forget that A's are temporary relationships most of the time. Dropping the rope does not mean the WS will come running right away. But after the A is over, they will. (more than likely based on what the vets say here)

And P, you have "dropped the rope" for a little more than a month, so I do not think you can rule out its effectiveness yet!!!!!! patience...painful patience...

DBD, be wary of what your Ls tell you. They have a job to do and other motivations behind their advice. Financial support is necessary, but YOU are paying THEM so if you don't want to file for D, don't! So what if you file separately for financial support and then file for D later if you choose? It just makes me think they are treating it like you are taking your car to the shop to have the radiator fixed but the transmission is kind of acting up too. They have to do the work of pulling out the radiator to get to the transmission so it would be easier for them to fix both at once. Otherwise if you go back later, they have to do the work of pulling out the radiator and it will mean more work for them. So, maybe to them, you could take care of everything all at once. (this is my complete uninformed opinion!!)

So I'm glad you will make WH do the legwork because he also will have to pay the filing fees!!! And will probably end up paying your L fees too!! _________________________

[newmama]

Sandi, you are a former wandering spouse who came back, right? Did you come back after your H dropped the rope?

And yes, I am a fearful woman too. Why do you think more women are fearful of getting a divorce? Just curious!!

[sandi2]

Sandi, you are a former wandering spouse who came back, right? Did you come back after your H dropped the rope?

And yes, I am a fearful woman too. Why do you think more women are fearful of getting a divorce? Just curious!!

Hi Newmama,

Actually I never wandered outside of my home. I almost left. Had my hand on the door, so to speak. But, my H did drop the rope when he finally come to the conclusion that he could not "make me love him". The difference in our stitch was that my H did not have the DB information.....I did. Odd, wasn't it? So, our stitch was a little "reversed" in how things got worked out. I, the WAW, had the DB information from this board. My H had pursued me, and that was causing me to want to leave the home. Long story, he finially realized he couldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do....but he wasn't going to just sit and watch me disrespect him right under his nose by contacting OM on the computer while H was stitting right there.

If my H would have gotten out and started getting a life, and especially if I thought he was even looking at another woman.....it would have caused me to drop my attention on OM and look at what my H was interested in. That is just me and it may not work in ever situation....but it would have mine. So, to answer you first question, yes my H dropped the rope, but things would have progressed faster if he could have been busy becoming an "interesting man" in his own right, instead of being so depressed. Of course, that was normal, but it didn't make him attractive, either.

To answer you second question, I have to tell you that I believe a lot of women are fearful of D b/c even if we are "liberated" and have equal rights with me.....and women are making as good money as men now, I can't help but think it still goes back to our "roots" in depending on the man to be there to protect and provide for the family. I can't help it......I was raised very old fashion and it's hard to get away from those ideas. I think for some women the idea of being alone is what is the real fear, but since I have not actually experienced that, I can't give an fair opinion.


But, you know what? Since being on this board for 2 1/2 years, I have read tons of posts from LBH's who are fearful of getting a D and living without their W. However, I think their "fear" and the woman's fear is completely different. That's JMHO FWIT.

Thanks for asking, but I don't feel like I gave a very satisfactory answer.

[chatterbug]

Hi. Sandie. Very good answer.

DbD relist out your pro's and con's again. You have a few days to work yourself through this.

[Day by Day]

DBD, be wary of what your Ls tell you. They have a job to do and other motivations behind their advice. Financial support is necessary, but YOU are paying THEM so if you don't want to file for D, don't! So what if you file separately for financial support and then file for D later if you choose?

That's what I'm feeling. It's been nagging at me. And I noticed I have most of the documents needed for filing. He'd have to come and get them to begin the D. That realization just gave me comfort thinking it won't be easy for him.

@cutter: Hmm... I'm having trouble listing any pros. Not in a mindset to think positively of him. Not a balanced list.

He's going to see the kids for 2 hrs today. Glad he didn't bother trying to get them for tonight or part of the night. I know why of course, but I'm happy to be with my kids for this night and wish for a better year. I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone else.

[P17]

He's going to see the kids for 2 hrs today. Glad he didn't bother trying to get them for tonight or part of the night. I know why of course, but I'm happy to be with my kids for this night and wish for a better year. I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone else.

DBD, just keep telling yourself that it's his loss. He will spend it with the OW (I assume that's what you mean) ... whoopy tey doo. A woman who looks for married men to play with. What a catch. What a great time they will have when the realisation (oh and he will think of it I have NO doubt) that his kids are at home with his W while he is there with her.

Lust is fleeting. A quick grope in the dark is not fulfilling. Spending time with friends and family are what life is about.

Love. Family. Friends.

How many of those, at this time, does she actually have?

With regards to filing. I agree with Newmama (again). Do what YOU want to do. Not what your L wants you to do. Remember if you file for D then your L can charge you more ... so of course they want you to do that. L's and money go hand in hand. Never EVER forget that when dealing with one. EVER.

[Day by Day]

L's and money go hand in hand. Never EVER forget that when dealing with one. EVER.

I already learned that the hard way this summer. Got taken by one that took advantage of me in my vulnerable state and I paid him a retainer (non-ref) didn't do any work and refuses to return my docs. My new L is going to get them for me. Thanks for the reminder though. Really. I must keep that in mind.

Do you really think that he will think of us? I think he's so deep in denial and lust that we don't cross his mind. I think he believes that he's so much better off and having fun. Probably will toast to a new future with OW.

I won't be spending NYE at home! I'll be with my new group of friends at a nice house on 7 acres with a bonfire going and BBQ. I'm feeling ready to start dating... nothing serious of course. Wow. Didn't think I'd get there.

[P17]

Do you really think that he will think of us?

I don't know your H, DBD. But I would be very VERY surprised if for one small tingly moment he doesn't wonder where you and the kids are this New Year. New Year is a time for families and friends. Where are his?

[newmama]

How are you DBD?

[Day by Day]

Hi newmama. Thanks for checking in on me. I'm dragging... feeling low. Miss my kids today... WAH got them without TMing me or emailing. I was notified through the kids. I'm feeling through with him. I've been too hurt. I'm wanting this to be over with. He's been too cruel. Maybe I'm too sensitive and haven't been able to hang on like everyone else. I just don't see why I should keep trying now. I've reread some of the threads on why I should keep trying. I feel like I've been a failure at DBing and probably should have called a coach early on. Probably should have had a PI find out in the beginning about OW. Hindsight is 20-20.

I'm understanding about his guilt and shame for the way he treats me, but come on! Be a man! Face up to it.

Is this dropping the rope? I sure hope so. I'm not looking forward to coparenting with him with the way he is now. I hope he gets humbled soon. The attitude is just too much. I hope the OW is seeing this side too.

I'll shut up now... not a good day for me. Venting...