Exposure is one of the aspects of my sitch that I am really wrestling with, thanks for some good discussion on this topic.
Sandi, I am definitely trying to slow down, be patient and think things through at this point. I started feeling like a cornered animal during December and realize that running on full emotion is not the way to go.
It seems to me that exposure would be good for speeding the WAS down the road towards hitting rock bottom by turning on the shame/guilt spigot full blast while at the same time, possibly upsetting their support network (family, friends, etc.). I can see how this could be an effective strategy in many sitches. The reason I have been hesitant to do it in mine is:
Work Exposure (I admit that I would love to be able to confront him and expose this to his boss, I think he would turn tail if I did)
- worried about jeopardizing my own job which I will need to keep if she ever leaves
- W is highly accomplished in her career, exposure would most likely make her resent me strongly
- Jeopardizing her job jeopardizes our financial security as we require both incomes to meet obligations
Family Exposure
- We live very far from family and very infrequent contact (phone conversations once a month or so) so I don't know how much pressure this would put on her
- Again, resentment
I know this is a weak position but in my sitch, we have no kids and my W is capable of completely supporting herself. The only reasons for her to stay with me are if she just really wants to be with me, our friendship, the fact that our intimate relationship used to be a good one, our shared 13-14 years of history and also because we do have a lot tied up together in terms of assets.
My wife is a very strong, proud woman but she is not good at confronting her emotions. I was reading Deep's thread today (congrats on R and new baby BTW!) and he had a cautionary note that his W said that she would have walked if she had to bear the full brunt of guilt, shame, withdrawal from OM and his hurt all at once, even though she wanted to stay. My W has repeatedly said that she can't stand to see me in pain. I sometimes think if I force my W to fully hit bottom all at once, she would not be able to confront this effectively, I think she would run. I want my W to fully own what she did to be sure, but I have been feeling like each WAS is still an individual and that DB may have to look a little different from sitch to sitch.
I hate to be in the position of "outshining" the OM but it seems like all that I have. This is why I have really been on the fence about exposure. I am afraid that my current approach could be a long ride and this is already affecting me so much physically (still not sleeping well).
I guess at the end of the day, looking over what I just wrote, my approach is based on fear. Fear that I will lose my W, job, etc. I want to save my M first and foremost, but I also want to keep my dignity and regain my self-respect and respect of my W. This is a difficult balancing act!
