Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

[chatterbug]

The thing about exposure is you have to realize that if the WAW goes back to her LBH, then why would she want to ML to the man who exposed her at work, to friends, and to family? I know most answers would probably be that "she" did that by putting herself in that position. But, thinking like a WAW in an A, I believe the LBH must be very careful and think that through long enough that he feels that is the only thing he can do to turn things around. Do not do something that will come back and haunt the MR later, if reconciliation comes.

There have been two or three LBH's just within the past few days who have made that decision. One, has just stopped posting and I don't know what happened. One said he was going to give wife the two weeks notice last night unless we didn't think he should. Well, that wasn't enough time for the board to respond...on a holiday night, especially. Besides, he had just come on the board and only had a couple of pages of posts. That's not long enough to gather all the DB information one needS, IMHO. I didn't think he had enough information about the "how-tos" and was still waiting to talk to his lawyer, etc. He had what seem to be conflicting intel. IDK why I'm telling you this, except it really bothers me. I had only recently changed my mind and the exposure technique.....and I am in no way one to give advice about how to do it, but found myself with the last couple of LBH's trying to tell them. They need to talk to a man who has actually done this. Not me.

So, I am very concerned....about all of this. I take the advice we give as serious b/c it affects lives. I don't feel that you are the type that will be implusive and do something like that without fully thinking it through.

Anyway, guess I just needed to talk about it.

Hi Sandi. You know I am a believer in exposure. But it must be swift and not in stages.
Exposure to Immediate family, very close friends, Other person's spouse and work ( if its a work affair ) (The only reason I did not expose to work was because OPW said not to. Thinking back I know I made a huge mistake here, listening to OPW )
The reason to expose is to take the affair out of the dark and put it into the light. Now friends and family can begin to support the marriage and disappove of the affair. LBS and family gets the support of close friends and family while they break down and fall apart. They are no longer alone in this horrible event. The person committing the adultry does not get a chance to spin their story. I call it the grief vs guilt conversations. Exposure attacks with guilt conversations. Exposure is also another way of attacking the OP and keeping them out of the big picutre.

Your attacking the fantasy. Showing the hurt the adultry causes to family and friends. Not just the LBS and children.

But, you are also setting up the frame work for support if the couple decide to get back together. Those who supported the marriage during the affair will support the marriage during the difficult times afterwards.


Now when to expose and not to expose?

If its just the beginning of an EA or a one night stand. I think exposure should be limited to the spouse. Work with them to end it and detemerine why it happened. Even then I think exposure to Parents or an older child and a good mutural support friend can be called for.

But if its a full blown on EA/PA and you know your spouse has checked out of the marriage. Then full exposure. But it must be planned out. This is a LRT of a good plan A. Some times this is enough to force the affair to end. Shame is a very powerful emotion.

You have to remember Sandi. That the great race is on. Both the LBS and WAS are in full flight. In my stitch. Exposure has killed any attempt of having the OM around her family. They will have nothing to do with him. Mutual friends will have nothing to do with him either. That part of her life is only her's. He is not allowed there. This creates seperate lives. It also creates pressure on the WAS. Every interaction with these people is now different. They know why I am not at a family function. They know why she is there alone. She also knows why she is there alone. She also knows that her fantasy of everyone accepting what she did is a lie.

Yes this is punishment. But if the WAS ever exits the fog. They will see that friends and family supported them and not the affair. Where they take that is up to them.