Another Sad Deployed Soldier/Dad

[Another_Soldier]

OK hello all

My sich:
I have been m to my w for almost 11 years now. A little over a year ago aug of 08 my w cheated on me. We went to a MC and worked out our problems and I truely forgive her for what she had done. The trust hasn't quite come back yet so every once in a while i will check her email and the cell records. 26 Dec i found a confirmation email for a yahoo acct in her normal email and i looked into it because that's not normal and didn't agree with her having another acct without knowing about it. There was an email in there to the OM she cheated on me with. "Babe...You still online, log on to messenger...Kisses. I am 8 hours ahead of her and I had to wait until she woke up to ask her about the message. I had to wait about 2 hrs or so and when i got to talk to her she told me she had no idea what i was talking about and said someone may have hacked into her comp and created the acct. I didn't believe her and i quiclky changed the PW and security ?'s for the acct. I messaged this guy and he thought i was her. to make a long story short that all happened on the 26th and it is now the 2nd of Jan and I am so lost and confused right now. She finally came clean and told me the truth on mon/tue that she did actually create the acct and it was nothing to be worried about. She had run into him next door to where she works and he told her that he had something to tell her and didn't want to do it there becasue he didn't want any rumors started. It is a SMALL town and everyone knows everything. Well she finally did contact him, created the acct because she didn't remember the family yahoo acct stuff. All he wanted was to appologize for what had happened and for what it was worth have her tell me sorry too. Y would she call him babe and then say kisses???? I am at a loss and confused. When i told her how i felt about the whole thing she tried to turn it back on me saying i shouldn't have been in her email, i told her that i have done it every once in a while ever since the whole cheating incidint. W says that she has to try to prove to me every day that i can trust her I told her she does that in her actions every day and trust is built back up over time. W says it's been over a year and she just needs time to work on herself. She needs to figure out how to help herself get over what had happened. I am 10000 miles away and don't know what to do. I truely love and am completely in love with her still. Before i left to come over here to Iraq in Aug we were better than i can ever remember us being.

Pleas Help!!
I am dying inside and don't know what to do or say

[givingitmyall]

AS,

I am sorry you find yourself here, but if you have been reading other threads here, especially Soldier Dad's, you know this is a great place for advice, support and to vent. It pi$$es me off when I see infidelity, but when a soldier who is a long way from home and who is fighting to protect all of us back home is being wronged, I really have to calm down before I post.

Ok, so, it sounds like you are wise enough to see right through the BS story about the new email account. Initially, "I don't know nothing" which changes to "Oh, yeah, about that, I guess I DID open that account, but it was only so OM, who I should not have had ANY contact with, could tell me sorry and tell me to tell YOU sorry." Uh...yeah. Spineless, coward OM could have grown a set and told you that...like a MAN, but as he isn't capable of knowing what a MAN is, I guess that excuse will just have to do.

Enough of my rant. You have a serious question to ask yourself. Has she gone outside the M....AGAIN? One time is bad enough, but can be overcome. Another time? I don't know that that is something I could accept. Can you?

There are others here who can advise you on the OM situation - seek out Puppy Dog Tails. He can help you there.

I think you have to call her on the BS about the email account. "W, I will not share you with another man." I would strongly recommend you retain an attorney back home and find out what you are looking at in the way of financial obligations to her and the kids and custody. DO NOT tell her you are doing this yet. Right now, you need to get your ducks in a row. It WILL make you feel better to know what you are looking at.

After you have told her you won't share her, then no contact with her until you talk to a L. No begging, pleading, pursuit. DO NOT initiate contact with her.

Deal with your emotions. Let them out, but not to her.

Can you get a copy of DR/DB? If so, pick one up and start reading it.

If you are religious, then get your nose in a Bible or whatever book you read. Pray, meditate for peace, patience, strength, wisdom, discernment. Then pray for more patience.

And post here. There are a lot of very wise people here who can help you.

[Another_Soldier]

I'm not sure what to do I just know that i feel Lost without a map. I have been reading on this site for a few days and got the courage to post my story. I truely do believe that that was all it was bc OM has been in England and just got back in town. Best friend of mine confroned him and in front of his mother. His families house lol. My friend said that his mother started yelling at him. 30+yr old man lol. She confirmed that he had only been back in town since the first incident for a day or 2 then went to england and returned on the 27th the day after i saw the email and day after it was sent.

[givingitmyall]

I'm just saying, this stinks to high heaven. Just look at the email with reference to "Babe." Come on.

I'm not slapping you. But you have to be willing to confront the brutal reality of your situation. And you have to know what you're dealing with (need a map) before you can attack it (get where you want to be).

This is not going to be solved quickly. So, you need to be patient.

Right now, you are probably hurting like hell. That sucks. Deal with it and get those emotions out. Then, pick yourself up and keep moving with a plan. Others will chime in, but I posted what I thought some initial steps should be.

Is OM M'd? Doesn't sound like it. Is he living at his parents' home?

You W is going to have to agree to a transparency plan (you get full access to everything - her cell phone, email, etc.) But that comes a little later.

[Another_Soldier]

I think i already messed that up earlier, I didn't follow any of the advice i had been reading on here over the last 3 days. I contacted her and out of desperation I told her that I want to completely trust her and i love her more that anyting in the world. I told her that I am going to let go of everything that had happened and not worry or get upset even though she can't tell that it is killing me inside. I told her that she needed to figure out what she wanted weather or not she wa happy with me as her husband or if she wantd to seperate she needed to let me know so i knew what to prepare for when i got home. I don't want to lose my family and I have always said that if that ever happened to me x, y, and z would happen. Guess what it is not the case when it does happen to you. Your crushed and your thought process changes and all i can think about is losing my family.

[Another_Soldier]

she just sent me and IM:: Hey you

I don't know if i should reply back or not. I want to talk to my kids but not her.....

Lost

[Lotus]

You should keep lines of communication open. But draw a firm boundary. Any contact with OM is a severe threat to your marriage. And yeah, tell your kids hi.

[givingitmyall]

AS,

Look at the post I made on your thread already. Get your ducks in a row, and that means speaking with a L. You don't have to do anything like filing if you aren't ready, but you have got to protect yourself legally. If your W is cheating, she WILL NOT TELL YOU THE TRUTH. Plain and simple, all cheaters lie.

Absolutely keep the lines of communication open with your kids. No matter what. If she tries to draw you into a R discussion, just tell her you aren't ready to talk about it, you are busy, have to go.

And as far as forgiving her for the OM, you two have to deal with that, most likely with a MC. If you don't, things may go back to normal for a while, but you will be right back where you are right now in the future.

[Another_Soldier]

OK just got off of messenger. Thank you for your advice so far! I am trying to follow but it is hard. Don't know what to say I got to talk to the kids they are doing pretty good playing with all of their new Xmas toys.

I didn't try to bring up R but i guess it came up anyway after the kids got off of skype. I only told her that I have to be healthy for me and what is best to take care of me and the kids even though you are 10000 miles away. I told her that she is aware of the boundaries i have set and would not tollerate any variations of what i wanted. I told her that I would not share her with anyone that i am her husband and the only Man in her life. There should be absolutely NO contact with the OM in any way shape or form. She knows that i will find out no matter what she tells me so she has "assured me" that there is nothing going on. I will be patient and just let the cards play out. I tried to keep my answers to her short and shorter that her statements. I know one good thing is that she would never try to keep the kids away from me and tells me i am a good husband, father, and provider and she loves me very much.

I am sooooooo freakin confused right now. I feel like i don't know what is going on from 1 min to the next.

[Another_Soldier]

She has said that she has to work on her right now and that that there is nothing going on and i shouldn't worry so much. She does not understand that it hurts me that she would even have a second thought about contacting this OM and still did it.
I sent the OM an email and this is what i said to him:
OM I hope you read this and PLEASE reply to me. I just have to know how long you have been talking to W. Has it been since you have been back in Town. I need to know to come to some kind of resolution for myself. Who contacted who first, are you still talking to her?

This was his reapons:
Listen ok...it's not what you think...I know what's going through your head at this point...There at it again...It's nothing like that....I've been back in Town since May....I never spoke to your W until about a week or so ago....I didn't want to speak to her infront of everyone at the bar an I didn't want to go over to her job an speak to her because I didn't want people to start talking and get things started about her and I that wasn't true....So she came into the resturant to pick her food one day I saw her an I told her that I had something to say to her....I gave her my yahoo IM cuz I'm always on there...an I told her if she gets a chance to IM me cuz there where sum things I wanted to say to her....She said I'll think about it cuz I shouldn't be talking to you at all....Then when I was in England last week she sent me an IM asking me what I had to say....and at that point I explained to her how sorry I was for what happened that it was my fault for the things that happened between her and I because I knew she was married an I shouldn't have been even talking to her like that....an that I hope I didn't do anything to cause problems in her marriage.....Then she told me that her marriage was better than it had ever been.....that you and her where alot closer....So I said I'm happy for you and him an I told her to tell you that I was sorry for what I had done....That I don't expect you to forgive but I am sorry.....Then she said that she wasn't mad at me that it was just stupid an should have never happened an I agreed with her.....

I want to believe but not sure what to do. Going to have patients and try not to beat myself up.