The one that fits my W to a “T” is, “I Need To Prove My Desirability”. He described my W and her behavior with uncanny accuracy. What really stood out, though, was, “The person who engages in this type of affair is the kind of person you would never dream would do such a thing”. I know, I know, no spouse believes that his/her spouse would cheat. What he means is this: My W is the kind of person who is known for her honesty and character. When I first told my trusted friend, who has known W for years, that she was having an affair his response was like, “Your W? With a married man? Okay, hold on Norm. Let’s talk about this buddy. I can’t believe she would disrespect another couple’s marriage like that! Are you sure?” He played the devil’s advocate for 20 minutes until I finally convinced him.
Huizenga goes on to say that this type of A will be short-lived because of the guilt. There is a war raging inside her. She is violating her own principles. The OM is making her feel desirable, but she does not believe that what she is doing is okay --- far from it. I’ve known her for 23 years. He’s right.
Confrontation: Huizenga deals with confrontation in the book as well as his videos. He does not recommend confrontation with this type of affair because of the guilt and says it usually makes things worse. He’s right.
This type of personality -- and affair -- also fits MY wife to a "T." And in my situation, aggressive confrontation and exposure worked really well. I don't think your example is applicable, since it was your wife confronting YOU, not the other way around. A well-thought-out plan of confrontation and selective exposure, and aggressive affair-busting, I think works exceptionally well with this type of affair, as this type of person is basically crying out for help, as it's NOT in their regular nature, as you state.
