Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[Onthemountaintop]

My wife and I have been separated for three and a half months with me living locked up most of the time in our room. Yesterday, I suggested and she agreed to try reconciling for a month - this after she said unilaterally to our kids earlier that day that we were divorcing. It led to some bedwork which was kind of stressful for me because I wasn't really ready. I also realized my attraction to her wasn't as strong as I thought...

Are there others that felt guilty/regretful when you first tried getting back together?

[Onthemountaintop]

The first week was weird after deciding to try reconciling. The feeling dragging me down that I should have let the marriage end stayed in the pit of my stomach for a while, and then reappeared yesterday. When I read others` posts about how they worked and dedicated themselves to their marriages, it makes me upset that my wife isn`t trying to do a 180 to save ours.

She says that she wants our marriage to continue forever, but she isn`t trying to be the best spouse she can for me. Is it unfair that I want her to help convince my gut-heart-mind that staying is how I`ll be happy?

[tristan]

"but she isn't trying to be the best spouse she can for me". So what is the definition of the "best spouse"? Should she do all the laundry, cook all the food, take full care of the children, give you wild sex every night, be there day and night for you? I think your reply would be "of course not". My point is that there is no exact definition of "best spouse"; we can always be a little bit better. Are you being the "best spouse" for her?

Have teh two of you talked about what would be "expected" from each other for each of you to feel fulfilled? Have you thought about it yourself? This is only the beginning; I think you may be expecting a little too much.

[june72]

If you and your wife could read His needs, Her needs ASAP I think if could help greatly.

I know that after a 14 month in-house separation (his decision)- I had many, many moments of "your such a b@stard, you are not worthy of me". They pass...

[tristan]

So you know, my W and I had a 6 week seperation after a year of hell. The seperation was our rock bottom, we are now about 10 weeks into being back together. I am happy. But that does not mean that I don't have moments of anxiety over the future. Getting back together does not make that go away.

I think for reconciliation to work, you must live in the present. Enjoy the moment in the present. Learn to love life when you are with your W and when you are not. It is not her job to make you happy; that is yours.

Perhaps I missed another thread, but why were the 2 of you seperated?

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks for the thoughts tristan/June~

It's nice to know that anxiety over the future isn't just something I'm going through. When we got back together, the deal was supposed to be that for one month we wouldn't talk about divorce - we would just be the best we could (live in the present?).

My hardest struggle has been that, according to our M counsellor, my W and I haven't really ever connected that well. Too many problems. For all of the marriage, I've been questioning whether I should stay M, but I've always tried to act committed as I could. For the last 4 years, she has been talking about leaving when the kids grow up. Once, she called a friend to arrange a townhouse in another city. I got past most of that, but in Oct, she said she'd leave, I asked her (soberly) if she wanted a divorce, she said yes, and we were off ...

Now, I feel like I had been sticking around through it all - committed to her and her many good qualities and my kids, despite all the fights. So when the divorce began, I felt relieved. I was still trying to make things work for a month and a half, but after that I was so ready to go that I'm having problems moving back instead of moving on.

Still, you're right - if I'm happy, why worry about what could be if I leave? I guess I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy 'enough'.

[undefeated]

Can you tell us why the separation occurred? Was there an A, or you just drifted apart, or what?

I would bet she is uncertain too. When I ended my A and went back to my husband I often wondered why he would want me. Did I do the right thing? Would/could things really get better? And on and on.

As for the flagging attraction, that is only to be expected. You are going through one of the hardest times in your life and getting emotionally beaten up by someone who is supposed to love you. It's hard to want to ML when you feel resentment and disappointment.

The feeling dragging me down that I should have let the marriage end stayed in the pit of my stomach for a while, and then reappeared yesterday.

Expect there to be ups and downs in the healing process. I am still hating it because my rollercoaster ride seems to be more valleys than hills. And my heart and stomach bottom out every time. Try to detach from your feelings; I know it's not easy. But you need logic, not emotions right now.

When I read others` posts about how they worked and dedicated themselves to their marriages, it makes me upset that my wife isn`t trying to do a 180 to save ours.

This is your process. Everyone has a different journey - it's just that some of the bumps and potholes look the same. So don't feel like their success will look like yours. Perhaps your wife doesn't know you will really let her go. As long as you are her fall-back guy, why should she make an effort? You obviously want to make this work. But she seems to be on the fence about it. Show her exactly what she stands to lose. Skip thinking about the 180's she's not doing. Do 180's yourself, GAL, make goals, read the books. Don't get lost in what she is or is not doing. This time is about you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. This was a hard lesson for me (still is actually). As long as my happiness is centered around my H or my kids or my job or making everyone else's life easier, it's not mine. It's something anyone can take away. Make your happiness your own. You weren't always married. And I bet before you were you found things that made you happy. The point I'm trying to make is that your happiness wasn't always tied to your wife. It doesn't have to be now either. Happy people can make happy marriages; doesn't really work so well the other way around.

It sounds like your counselor is dissecting the past, which feels great! But it doesn't get you anywhere. Knowing why the cheese got moved doesn't get you closer to finding it again. So maybe you need to ask your counselor if they are solution oriented. The counselor you choose needs to fit your needs; don't try to fit your needs to their program.

So are you getting a D? I wasn't entirely clear on that.

Happy "enough"...interesting thought. But happiness is an emotion, which is changeable. I think that you are looking for something deeper. We often talk about being happy here, but I think we tend to mean something like "content" or "satisfied" or "settled" or some combination of it all. Nobody is happy all the time. But you need to feel a deep sense of satisfaction with your life as a whole. And only you can choose how you get there.

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks for the advice...
Our problems began because we never really began a deep relationship ~ we didn't know each other very well when we married. No affairs or anything, I've just often had a feeling that we couldn't communicate well enough to stay married. I've never been very attracted either. If it weren't for the kids, I problably wouldn't be trying to get myself over my anxiety to resume our marriage.

I also wonder why she wants to be married to me. That almost makes it harder because my feelings to her aren't as strong.

I was trying to do the 180 for parts of our separation. It is hard because I'm not sure if I should stay. I think you're right - I need to focus on trying to be a better and happier me. Does that mean I need to be married to my W to do that?

We were so close to divorce that it felt like bad but essential medicine.

Thanks again for your thoughts - more are welcome!

[undefeated]

Our problems began because we never really began a deep relationship ~ we didn't know each other very well when we married.

Funny how that works, isn't it? You are madly in love with someone, can't get enough of them, have amazing sex (most likely), so you get married. Who wouldn't? I mean this person is so perfect for you.

And then the honeymoon period is over and you suddenly don't know the person who shares your bed. That's when you have to look deeper. Look at the amazing person you married; there were probably a lot more things than her good looks that got you hooked. You can find them again. or discover "new" things about her to love! If you want your marriage to work, it only makes sense to be interested in your spouse.

I've just often had a feeling that we couldn't communicate well enough to stay married.

Communication is something that we do every minute of every day. With not only our words, but our tone of voice, body language and other subtle cues to the people around us. So we do communicate. But communicating well is something you have to do intentionally, and it is a learned skill. I am learning it, and so can you. It's not always easy or enjoyable, but we need it.

I've never been very attracted either.

Without any sarcasm whatsoever, I must ask - Then how did you end up married in the first place? It just really has me stumped.

If it weren't for the kids, I problably wouldn't be trying to get myself over my anxiety to resume our marriage.

Michele says in one of her books (idk which one - I read them all one right after the other) that children are no better or worse a reason than any other to try to make a marriage work. Kids are an important part of our lives. So are financial stability, closeness and connection, and many other needs. No marriage is based on solely one reason.

I also wonder why she wants to be married to me.

Have you ever asked her? Maybe she would tell you.

I was trying to do the 180 for parts of our separation. It is hard because I'm not sure if I should stay. I think you're right - I need to focus on trying to be a better and happier me.

Remember, 180's are for you! You want to make yourself happier for you and not just to save your marriage. This is all about building yourself.

Does that mean I need to be married to my W to do that?

That is a difficult question. The answer is no, but there are some additional things you need to think about.

If you are unhappy and your marriage is not the source (remember the difference between happiness from the inside vs. happiness form the outside?) then what makes you think you will be better by getting a divorce?

Are you looking for a reason to get out? Or maybe some validation from people here that divorce is a good option for you? It just seems like you want to head that way, but are hesitating, waiting for something.

Divorce is rarely the cure. So many people leave a marriage to be happier, and only end up more miserable when the dust has settled. I can't say it enough - happy people can create happy marriages; vice versa doesn't work so well.

[TooLateForMe]

I had an adverse reaction the last reconciliation. The first night was bliss. Immediately after I was angry and shocked, which I had denied myself while separated. BE HONEST WITH HER!!!

Tell her what you are feeling! Deal with the negative emotions because they will pass, they're normal. Rs are built and love isn't always glaring you in the face and throbbing in the groin. I wish I had sucked it up for a while and made the extra effort to fix things despite my pain from her rejections. I don't have that option any more. We all pretend that the worst thing that can happen is to try and lose, but it's far worse to lose because you DIDN'T TRY AT ALL.

DB, act as if, do 180s even if you don't feel like it. Because if she's making the effort too, things will begin to mesh again.