K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[Startingover2]

How was your evening? Hope today starts a whole new chapter of your life! Stay strong.

[K4D]

My evening was great.

W called 5 times yesterday not once leaving a voice mail. I never called her back. She then called again this morning and finally left a voice mail. She said on her voice mail that it is ridiculous that I am not answering her phone calls and she had things she wanted to ask me yesterday and also was wanting to know when I was going to be getting the kids.

I called her back a couple of hours later and asked when she would like to exchange the kids. She said 4. I said ok. She then asked how my new years eve was. I said it was great and that I had a lot of fun. She said hers kind of sucked and they ended up at a country bar as her brothers W was wanting to meet a friend there who ended up being drunk and the whole thing sucked. I said ya, sounds like it did suck. Mine was great. She asked me to tell my friends hi. She doesn't know that they are totally against her and have no interest in hearing from her. I said I will be there at 4 to get the kids and got off the phone.

They had been friends of ours for 9 years and they are disgusted with her choices.

Anyways, I get there at 4 to get the kids. The kids start getting their things ready and W starts talking to me about the kids and their week and day. Finally I said that sounds great and started walking off to help D12 bring her stuff out. So I get the kids in the car and W asks me to come over for a minute out of the kids hearing range. I'm thinking great, what now.

So I go over to her and she proceeds to tell me that OM was with them and that it went really well and reiterated that he is just a friend. At that point I told her I didn't think it was appropriate. And she said to have a friend there? I said guys. I said I wish you would have talked to the C before doing this, but that she is going to make her own choices. She got mad and started to walk off. I said have a good night and I got in the car and left. Apparently OM was with them yesterday and today. And W just continues to lie to me to cover her rear on this.

Truth be told, it bothered me that she still lies to me and is inserting this guy into my kids lives without any regard to how it will affect them and without even checking with the C first. But the C has already addressed this so W is trying to play it off as a friend since she knows showing the kids a R right now would not be good for them. I know she was mad that I was not agreeing with her that there is nothing wrong with this.

I will continue to stay dark and work on plans and research.

Kevin

[iwantittowork]

Kevin,

I was just checking out for tonight, but wanted to drop a line after reading your latest post.

Now THIS is what I have wanted to see from you! You did well, my friend. You did well.

How did you feel afterwards? I know I have felt very good when doing things like this when they come from a place of knowing what is right for YOU. It's important to acknowledge and accept the feelings you have, both good and bad, so wanted to point that out by asking.

I will continue to stay dark and work on plans and research.

I know this is tough, but continue to do this. It's your time to work on you and focus on kids now.

[K4D]

Just an FYI,

I was positive and upbeat until she pulled me aside at the end. But even then when talking to her I was calm. She was basically looking for approval from me on this and I was not going to give it.

Now she has me blocked on IM again. lol. I saw that she is on D12's IM and not on mine. To funny. I love how that game works with her. She will unblock me when she has something to ask again though. But I might just go ahead and block her from here on out.

She can have the option to text me or email me. Though I would prefer email. It is easier to keep a record.

Kevin

[K4D]

Now THIS is what I have wanted to see from you! You did well, my friend. You did well.

How did you feel afterwards? I know I have felt very good when doing things like this when they come from a place of knowing what is right for YOU. It's important to acknowledge and accept the feelings you have, both good and bad, so wanted to point that out by asking.


Quote:
I will continue to stay dark and work on plans and research.

I know this is tough, but continue to do this. It's your time to work on you and focus on kids now.

iwantittowork,

Thanks. I feel like I am taking control back of me and that is really all I have control over and I acknowlege that and accept it. And it also feels good to know I can be in charge of my own life and not let her control it.

Believe me, I am continuing to do this. She is getting mad about things and I am letting her get mad. It isn't changing my decisions.

Goals will be posted probably tomorrow.

Kevin

[givingitmyall]

Now THIS is what I have wanted to see from you! You did well, my friend. You did well.

How did you feel afterwards? I know I have felt very good when doing things like this when they come from a place of knowing what is right for YOU. It's important to acknowledge and accept the feelings you have, both good and bad, so wanted to point that out by asking.


Quote:
I will continue to stay dark and work on plans and research.

I know this is tough, but continue to do this. It's your time to work on you and focus on kids now.

iwantittowork,

Thanks. I feel like I am taking control back of me and that is really all I have control over and I acknowlege that and accept it.

Believe me, I am continuing to do this. She is getting mad about things and I am letting her get mad. It isn't changing my decisions.

Goals will be posted probably tomorrow.

Kevin

Kevin, I agree with IWITW. I am really happy to see you take this action. It's way past time. But not too late.

Keep it up.

[25yearsmlc]

k4,

I don't have time for a big thing. Just wanted to warn you off the "pay ahead of time fee" to a head hunter. I'll send you an email about the pitfalls of that later this week or next if you want. It's just not done much. You don't pay upfront...head hunters get paid by companies who pay THEM to FIND YOU and that's how it's done in 98% of the times. The other times, when a potential employee hires a firm, they only pay after they're placed in their new job. And I do not for a second believe anyone who says they have a "guaranteed placement" of 100% in ANY economy, let alone this one. NO way. Did you research this company and any reviews online? That's not adequate for research but it sure beats just hearing their sales pitch. Please, contracts for personal services that are like this, are very hard to enforce so once they get your money, they have no motivation to keep working for you. And you'll have virtually no legal recourse...they'll say you blew the interview or you were too picky (because you didn't want to work in Thailand, or do work for which you are not suited, etc) they'll say they TRIED, per the contract and that's that...

Agents in Hollywood get paid only when they get you work. The big tip off here in LA, about a rip off fake agent is when they charge you an upfront fee to "manage' and package and market you and make you a star --all are the hallmarks of a SCAM....(kind of like promising you they're SURE they can double your income as your guy promised...all without more schooling or training??? Amazing...and too good to be true).

NO ONE I know paid up front...even the companies that hire head hunters (like the ones who hired my h and me), only paid the head hunters after they hired us and we paid nothing.

Don't take another short cut K4, it's a pattern...do the research and this pro-marriage/survive divorce site, as wonderful as it is, does NOT constitute "research" for financial or career planning. Checking the crowd's gut feeling is one thing, but I fear you don't take the next steps or follow through on the suggestions so these posts end up being "what you do" as far as research --and that's just dangerous.

None of us are wanting you to take our advice and run with it, we're just tossing out ideas and opinions...you have to weed thru the views and ideas and dig deeper & really do the work of your life.

Good luck & Happy New Year Kevin.
j-

[Startingover2]

Wow! Kevin you are doing so well! Keep it up.

[CityGirl]

You are doing really well!

The only suggestion I have is to no longer discuss OM or what the C says with your wife (in terms of the children meeting the OM, your W is aware of how everybody feels and chose not to respect the feelings of the father of her children and a trained C). You made the call a few days ago to let her know you were not pleased so she is aware of your feelings. Any other talk about it with your W will only result in further justification by her and/or an attempt to draw you back to being "old Kevin" who will always let everything slide.

If she asks to speak to you in private I might give her one of the following responses:

Is it about the kids or money?

I really need to run, please go ahead and e-mail me and I will get back to you when I am able.

W, I made my feelings very clear about the OM and the children when I called you the other day. I have decided not to engage in further conversation about the matter.

Let us know how it goes with the attny!

[25yearsmlc]

What CG said...re: contact with x w and any OM...

You made your case (i.e., your feelings are known). The c made the case about what it'd do to the kids...And your wife chose to ignore your feelings and the professional opinion of the c...

Now that you made your case clearly, the stronger position for you is - Don't keep making it. HER Choices speak for themselves...so let them echo on...

(For future purposes, make your points from the standpoint of being the father of the children & not as her ex h or her "still legally m" h, b/c she has no regard for that "status" or your ego, but at some level she knows you do retain rights as the DAD and by thinking about your kids- you're doing the right "Dad" thing....whether that induces guilt in her - or admiration for you, or neither, matters little now. So you Just make it all about what's best for the girls. That matters to the ones who count the most...the girls. (And Him).

So what is left to beat about this dead horse topic? Harping on it will definitely backfire on you. Let her choices seep. You can't change them - so why argue them again? You look so much stronger and she looks so much weaker, if you "rest your case" with the point you made and the C as an ally and now let your ex w look in the mirror knowing that she rationalizes things frighteningly well....Otherwise it's like her nagging you not to drink. Sorry if the analogy is close to home but I'm tired and it's late...so, Once someone says, "hey, IMO, you're an alcoholic and you have to stop drinking or you'll hurt someone..." if they hear you, and still drink, there's nothing left to say or do so let it go.....it will haunt them more than it would if they spent their time arguing and defending and deflecting...or it won't haunt them at all. Which means your continued harping would not haunt them, but YOU'D have spent all those precious hours on earth...harping and nagging...and she won't change one iota for all that.
Frankly Kevin, this year, you have better & more important and more joyful things to do with your energy and loving heart, and whatever else you discover and build in yourself. So on that note...

Good luck,
J