Wife wants best of both worlds

[dwinter82]

I think tomorrow is about the family. Have fun, be fun and just hang out and talk...enjoy the moment. I do not want to broadcast my desire to get back with her. If this was a date my approach may (would) be different.

The OM is divorced so I do not know who to feel more sorry for, her or him. As for tonight, I am a little suprised the W did not ask me to take the kids. She did not have the kids for Thanksgiving or Christmas so she is probably trying to make up for some lost holliday time...she does love her kids. She did seem a little bummed this morning when I picked the kids up and I would guess that is related to tonight, plus she knows she will get the weekend with the OM.

It is hard to convey how my W is, but she is the master of masking her true feelings. I could think all is good based on her persona (verbal and actions)but in reality she could be seriously unhappy. I say this becuase I firmly beleive an introduction to the OM is just around the corner. She would not be invititng this guy to thanksgiving and Christmas with her family unless she beleived things looked promising. I do get comfort with the fact that some of her family was taken back by his sudden integration into the family. Her brother, who is a good friend of mine, is a strict catholic and wants nothing to do with him. We have been seperated for six months and are still legally married...I think she is making herslef look very bad. I would like to be around when someone ask the W where they met; Oh, you met at work...while you were married?!?!

[MHL]

Point taken, when my W was in the middle of her #2 A she said she was scared to be around me but there again I did not know and she was hiding it from Everyone. And yes whe would have cringed if I had touched her.
Would it not be a 180 to not neccessarily pursue but act-as-if everything was normal between them (meaning, no A, no marital problems, etc.)? I think he can try a couple of things, test the water so to speak w/o compromising his position. If she recoils pull back if not see where it leads....again what does he have to lose. If it is a setback it can't be any worse than having a meltdown R talk that ends in a huge argument.

BTW I have updated my thread under mixed signals in my signature, definitely in a holding pattern for today and tomorrow, kids tonight, FOOTBALL tomorrow. serious guy time tomorrow with the fella's in the hood.

[MHL]

I think tomorrow is about the family. Have fun, be fun and just hang out and talk...enjoy the moment. I do not want to broadcast my desire to get back with her. If this was a date my approach may (would) be different.

I think this is the perfect attitude to have.

[dwinter82]

You know I was thinkig more about the kids intro to the OM. It could be she is waiting for the D to be official...trying to do something kind of right, who knows.

I just hope she tells me prior to the intro so I can talk to the kids about it.

Happy neww years fellas.

[MHL]

How did yesterday go? My big day is today hopefully.

[dwinter82]

Thanks for asking. It went pretty well. She came over with the kids around 2 and brought snacks to keep us all alive. We played a little Wii; watched some football; played with new toys; and then did dinner. Our conversations were light and filled with a lot of friendly banter, which has been typical between us. I am still out of sorts, so at times yesterday was tough but I did my best to maintain a positve and friendly attitude. I did realize how much we have grown apart from a couples perspective and that was a little disconcerning.

I am still doing some soul searching on the family time issue. The one thing that really bothers me about it is that when I have the kids, she is nowhere to be found. However, when she has the kids, that is typically when I can squeeze in family time, sometimes at her request (dinner). I still like your 180 approach but what she is doing is cake eating at its worst, which is not fair to me or the kids. If she were to initiate family time when she did not have the kids, that would be a big deal and a possible turnng point. She does sometimes request to come over when she does not have the kids, but that is becuase she misses them...usually it is very brief.

My strategy for the past four months has been tough love, but friendly and positive when she is around. I have had a couple of meltdowns when I have found out things about the OM (I need to work on this)but other than that we have not had any R discussions. In any case, although this appraoch has shown little results I think it is about my only option. I am willing to do family time on occassion just to give her a sense of what she is missing but that is about it. Right now I want to show her that I will be there for her as a friend and try to improve our firendship at the same time. From there it is about acceptance, unconditional love, patience and consistancy...the role we are all playing.

Good luck today and play it cool, do something different.

[MHL]

Glad to hear you had a good day yesterday. I am at work right now and will pop on when I can. I am going through exactly the same thing with my wife right now. total cake eating.

[MHL]

I am still doing some soul searching on the family time issue. The one thing that really bothers me about it is that when I have the kids, she is nowhere to be found. However, when she has the kids, that is typically when I can squeeze in family time, sometimes at her request (dinner). I still like your 180 approach but what she is doing is cake eating at its worst, which is not fair to me or the kids.

I know its not fair, none of this is fair for anyone on these boards to be married and have your spouse bail out on you and not try harder to work on the M. I think I said this before, whenever I get discouraged I reread the success stories, I especially like Diehard's story and there are some others also. here is the link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=455497&page=10
I will say this again, which is contrary to most of the advice given on the boards today, but not being so harsh on the WAS seems to work in a lot of the success stories especially the older one's. Diehard's example is one of showing love and keeping up the contact after you are separated. FWIW, I do think at some point we do pull back and let them come to us. I am going to have to start that tomorrow, I want to ask her to come to church with me and the kids tomorrow but I will have hold off. She needs to be by herself and miss us before that desire comes back.

[dwinter82]

I like reading "still hopefull" posts... he has a no nonsense kind of approach. I agree that being harsh is not the proper approach. We need to be able to show the W's that we understand why they are doing what they are is doing. We do not agree with it or condone it, but we understand it. They know that, at least mine does. At the same time they need to understand there actions will have consequences (e.g., I am not willing to put up with the OM so family time is very limited).

They are making this decesion, not us, at least in my opinion. For my W, she understands these consequences but the happiness the OM is providing her trumps all. By having more family time I may facilitate more internal guilt within her but she has already shown she can justify her actions (guilt) becuase of our bad marriage. I have not received any mixed signals is sometime.

I picked up the kids this morning...she was nice, but cold at the same time, if that makes since. I stayed upbeat and positve and wished he luck with the painting.

[MHL]

I think you have the right attitude. As far as the cold distant thing goes, my wife does the same thing when she is about to do something she should not, like be with another man or out on the hunt for OM. I am not sure how to handle it or if I should just put up with it. I think in your sitch, it is out in the open and you do not need to confront her everytime she is going to be with him. I think the more easy going you are the more she will be okay being around you. Maybe OM will start getting pissed off. Be a better man that he is. Walking the miles with you brother. Headed home in 30 minutes, stomach in knots.