Something I wrote to Frank.. and want to remember..
Here's something I want to share.
If I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.
My greatest fear even during the early years of the marriage was divorce. I never made a wedding album because I was afraid if I did divorce would follow. I didn't want to move out of our sweet tiny house because I knew if we didn't we'd be married for life.
We moved, I put together the album at year nineteen because I asked myself, what was I so afraid of.. even after talking to my former spouse about my wacky fears. But oops.. a divorce happened.
Once I knew my husband was really divorcing me, was gone, finito, arrivederci my greatest fear was financial insecurity. Although we had money in the bank, stocks, bonds I was scared to death and petrified. Guess what happened. The former spouse went nutso testosterone fired his reasonable lawyer, hired a big gun one who sucked down $50,000 in one month and twice as much once by the time the divorce was finalized. Oops.. I got that one too. No financial cushion, no savings, house on the market that's not selling. Ouch.
During this entire process quite a few teenagers my kids know have died in preventable car accidents. Horrible, shocking, heart breaking. The first time it happened I said, "That's a pain I never want to know." The second time it happened, I said the same thing. Now, considering my batting average with great fears, I don't go there. I'm supportive to the families, appreciate all the joys, tangles and angst of my own children and am thankful for all I have.
Why? Because if I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.
Instead of living the fear that you'll lose your children, focus on what is great. Keep that in the forefront of your mind.
The Tolstoy thing in my mind is a compliment. I'd want a frickin' Tolstoy operating on me, looking out for me. But if it bugs you, and you've heard three people make a negative reference to that aspect of your personality.. evaluate it. Maybe it's something you can tweak. There's something about 'threes' and learning.
If you look at the injustices of life, you become and/or are a victim. Even if all your actions are noble and honorable. If you cower at your divorcing spouse's tirades, you're the dog who rolls over and submits. Remember, she's just as miserable as you are. Instead, practice being a cat, turning around and farting in her general direction. (Wait.. do cat's fart?)
You are not a weak man. But you are making your way through a very painful process. And I'm sorry.. the state of New York is just sick financially forcing divorcing couples to live in the same house or risk losing it. Give yourself Frank time.
Next time your divorcing spouse brings out the claws do something different. "I understand why you feel that way." Validate.. yadda yadda. It takes two to fight. Pull the wick from the candle.
State your boundary to your divorcing spouse. If she doesn't respect it, don't reward it. Be the dad first, "Hey kids, let's go play in the other room. I'll be right there." Take the big picture approach, drop the rope. Because all the kids see is you fighting. Hug the kids instead. Tell your divorcing spouse that you understand why she feels this way. That is tough and hard and miserable for everyone. And that it will soon be over and you can each live your separate lives. Tell and accept the truth. Then let it go.
One last thing about the settlement once it's finalized. I started getting unhappy, upset about the final outcome. Then I realized I had no control and that no matter how much I bitched and moaned, nothing would change. So.. I decided that I'd gotten the absolutely best settlement ever. After all, it is what it is.. and when I remember that I did the best I could, and got the best possible, I don't go dipping in the bitter pool full of acidic feelings that eat away at my core.
