A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

I agree with Lotus, its important for LBS's to make themselves the better alternative... the by-product of that is that very often we become not only a better alternative, but a better person in the process.

When you get there the goal is Zero pressure. No I love yous, no holding hands, be careful with making love, you need to make him miss being your H, if you prepare dinner, dont serve him. If you are taking the kiddos to do something fun, make sure that you mention it in front of him, but dont directly invite him.

I don't get it. How do I do both of these things at once? I mean, ok I don't say I love you so I'm not pressuring him. But if I were the "the old me" the fun one he used to want to be with, I'd be affectionate and go out of my way to do stuff for him. It seems like not taking care of him - not getting him dinner when I get mine or not including him in family stuff - is just mean. Why would he want to be with someone who is fun with other people, fun with the kids, pretty to look at, but just mean to him?

No matter what happens undefeated, if he says that he wants to try again... Dont rush in. Be extremely cautious! Im not saying that he will try to fool you or whatever, but its really easy to rush into these things and make mistakes that sabotage all of your hardwork.

Ok this I get. I'm not likely to believe anything is ok, even it seems like it for awhile. That's how I got here. Everything seemed ok.

You need to set boundaries, "I will not share you with another woman".

Again, I don't think I even know what that means. I mean, guess I could say that to him if he tries to have sex with me. As long as he's in an A, it's not making love. Believe me, I've been there already from the other side. Even for the spouse who's in the A, it's a sad and lonely experience to have sex with someone instead of making love to them. But unless I intend to stay entirely closed off from him, then how exactly is just saying that a boundary? And again, if I am closed off from him, how exactly is that attractive? Doesn't that just make her seem warm and caring where I am seem cold and distant?

I'm really not trying to tell you you're wrong or that these aren't good approaches. But I really don't understand. I'm at a loss as to how to make this all go together.

Dont engage him in arguements, this is a big one! If things get heated, leave the conversation, leave the room, leave the building, just get away from it, arguements are emotionally charged, and we dont make good choices, or logical points when we lose control and get emotional!

There's no emoticon that smiles and cries at the same time. He never argues with me. If I bring up something, especially if I am emotional then he just says, "whatever," or gets totally silent and has nothing to say at all. So I don't express myself to him and then he thinks I'm ok, even when I'm not. And if he does ask me what's wrong and I give him an answer then he just has nothing to say again. So I don't know what to do on that front. I mean, I guess you're right. There's no point arguing with a brick wall anyway. It just feels like, no matter which way I play it he shuts down and doesn't care. As long as I pretend to be ok, then he is fine with being around me.

So please, tell me what to do. I know it probably sounds like I just want answers handed to me, but I feel out of ideas. Should I go back to calling him just to say hi, or keep not contacting him? I feel utterly unimportant to him. And it seems like if I do more without him or seem happy no matter how he treats me, then that just continues the illusion that his actions are unimportant and don't affect me. I don't get it.

And here's another thing. Now that I can think more clearly (when i'm not confused and crying because I have no idea what the heck I'm doing right or wrong) I have easily identified behaviors that drove him away in the past.

I was so horribly critical. I always wanted things done my way, "the right way." So instead of just saying thank you when he did things (if I noticed them at all) I criticized him. Why couldn't I just say thank you?

And he has always shown a great deal of faith in me - I wanted to go to college even though he had no idea how we would afford it, he let me start a business and it failed, he let me start a second business even though the first one failed, he always tells me he knows I can handle things when he isn't around. But I didn't return the favor. He comes up with ideas - things he could build or crazy fun things we could do someday. And I pretend to show enthusiasm, but I can see now how fake it was, and that he knew it all along. And even if I did tell him it was a good idea I told him to do it, not that we could do it together.

So how do I fix it? He doesn't try to help me much anymore because I've been so obnoxious and critical in the past. I don't blame him. And he doesn't share his ideas with me because he feels like I won't take him seriously and be supportive.

And what's so sad is now that I know these things and want to tell him so badly, he wouldn't want to hear it. Do I ask him for help, or do I just leave things undone and hope he tries so I can thank him? And do I ask for his input/ideas? I have tried but he says "I don't know" or I don't care." I'm just at a loss.

And I'm sorry; I know I must sound pathetic. But I feel like I have to figure out what to do and fast because now we're getting the house. I don't have time to figure this out slowly. I need some tools in a hurry and I guess I have them (sort of) after reading the books, but how do I know whether I need a crescent wrench or pliers?

Thanks guys. You really are helping me, even if I seem crazy and lost.