OK, LR, time to impliment the wait 24/48 hrs strategy. I'm fuming right now. I don't want to blow it as things have been going better with H, but man I am sick of this! Trying not to blast him as he is starting to act like his usual a$$ SELF!
H left this afternoon saying he didn't know his plans for tonight and would text me later. It's usually his night off tonight, but he has been spending so much time here I guess I got my hopes up. At least believed he'd follow through with his txt as he said.
He didn't. First time in a couple weeks he hasn't communicated about schedule. He probably doesn't even remember or know how much this pi$$es me off, so I'm tempted to say something, but I should not while I'm so angry (and after a few glasses of wine!).
So after hearing nothing, I finally txted him (I know, I know!) and said lightly "S and I need to make plans for tomorrow, what is your plan?" H txts me back immediately - "Like to visit S for a couple hours in the afternoon."
I flipped my lid - internally but didn't fire off another txt right away. Like, after all this time at home, now he's back to MIA? And he had mentioned something about going out with his little brother tonight and doing drugs and I"m of course upset about this but don't want to rock the boat. All I txted back was "Is that all?" to imply 2 hrs is pretty small amt. to spend with his son. I know, I shouldn't have. Probably shouldn't have said anything at all, or kept it more business like.
I'm just fed up with this DBing crap. Down tonight. I just feel like throwing in the towel. I'm basically a single mother so why am I trying so hard to play it cool and try to get him back when he is so selfish and everything goes according to his moods and schedule.
If I don't let him breeze in tomorrow when he wants, I'm afraid of looking like I'm being manipulative and not letting him see his S which he has a right to. I have no right to expect more time. However, I want more time. I want my son and I to have more time and attention and I hate this immature crap of partying with his bro who is 12 years younger. I don't want him showing up here all hungover and distant - I just don't want to see him unless he can give more.
I'm finding myself in the same place I was over the summer, when I really blew it. We were past the "Take whatever H dishes out otherwise you'll never have a chance of him coming back" phase and he was starting to show up a little more. I felt entitled to my feelings a bit more and got really angry at how back and forth H was and how long it was taking so I laid down an ultimatum. I told him "be comitted to me or I'm getting my needs met elsewhere." I felt that way in the moment, dropped the rope, and started dating for a couple weeks. Big mistake, I realized I didn't want to be a single mother trying to date idiots and that I wanted to fight for my marriage. But my impatience had actually chased him away, he started preparing for a D, and it has taken me four months to get back to a similar place.
Now the same feelings are here. Like, "hey, you're showing signs of coming around, why can't you just come around and commit and stop playing games and acting immature?" Grrrr
I know I should not do this again, so I'll wait 48 hrs before dealing with him. I turned my phone off.
I need support as I am in this horrible place of wanting more and yet not wanting to blow it and chase him away.
