OK, LR, time to impliment the wait 24/48 hrs strategy. I'm fuming right now. I don't want to blow it as things have been going better with H, but man I am sick of this! Trying not to blast him as he is starting to act like his usual a$$ SELF!
H left this afternoon saying he didn't know his plans for tonight and would text me later. It's usually his night off tonight, but he has been spending so much time here I guess I got my hopes up. At least believed he'd follow through with his txt as he said.
He didn't. First time in a couple weeks he hasn't communicated about schedule. He probably doesn't even remember or know how much this pi$$es me off, so I'm tempted to say something, but I should not while I'm so angry (and after a few glasses of wine!).
So after hearing nothing, I finally txted him (I know, I know!) and said lightly "S and I need to make plans for tomorrow, what is your plan?" H txts me back immediately - "Like to visit S for a couple hours in the afternoon."
I flipped my lid - internally but didn't fire off another txt right away. Like, after all this time at home, now he's back to MIA? And he had mentioned something about going out with his little brother tonight and doing drugs and I"m of course upset about this but don't want to rock the boat. All I txted back was "Is that all?" to imply 2 hrs is pretty small amt. to spend with his son. I know, I shouldn't have. Probably shouldn't have said anything at all, or kept it more business like.
I'm just fed up with this DBing crap. Down tonight. I just feel like throwing in the towel. I'm basically a single mother so why am I trying so hard to play it cool and try to get him back when he is so selfish and everything goes according to his moods and schedule.
If I don't let him breeze in tomorrow when he wants, I'm afraid of looking like I'm being manipulative and not letting him see his S which he has a right to. I have no right to expect more time. However, I want more time. I want my son and I to have more time and attention and I hate this immature crap of partying with his bro who is 12 years younger. I don't want him showing up here all hungover and distant - I just don't want to see him unless he can give more.
I'm finding myself in the same place I was over the summer, when I really blew it. We were past the "Take whatever H dishes out otherwise you'll never have a chance of him coming back" phase and he was starting to show up a little more. I felt entitled to my feelings a bit more and got really angry at how back and forth H was and how long it was taking so I laid down an ultimatum. I told him "be comitted to me or I'm getting my needs met elsewhere." I felt that way in the moment, dropped the rope, and started dating for a couple weeks. Big mistake, I realized I didn't want to be a single mother trying to date idiots and that I wanted to fight for my marriage. But my impatience had actually chased him away, he started preparing for a D, and it has taken me four months to get back to a similar place.
Now the same feelings are here. Like, "hey, you're showing signs of coming around, why can't you just come around and commit and stop playing games and acting immature?" Grrrr
I know I should not do this again, so I'll wait 48 hrs before dealing with him. I turned my phone off.
I need support as I am in this horrible place of wanting more and yet not wanting to blow it and chase him away.
Wow I really don't know what to say except "this too shall pass" I have been there. I NEVER really "dated" but I was really close to lowering myself to the WAS level. WAAAY back I had a chance to "cheat" and the last possible minute I "chickened out" Now I am glad I did. I have kept my vows. I have nothing to appoligise for.
Yes you can't keep him from seeing your\his son BUT..he as well as you need to be reasonable. He needs to give you a date and time. If it fits your schedule great if not he needs to "rebook". Another way is if YOU need to go somewhere tell him in advance and see it he can watch your\his son on that day. Sorry I could not be more help Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Yeah, made a big mistake, pre-DB. GALing - and being mysterious (I guess) backfired for me. H didn't chase me, he instead said, "ok, I'll prepare for a D."
And you are right about him needing to be more reasonable about the time thing. I'm a laid back person and figure it's hard on my S5 that dad moved out (we're separated) so I have been available as much as possible for H to see S when he wants to.
But I think it's clear I need to set some boundaries now about getting a firm date and time. Thank you so much for the reminder.
Well done for not losing it completely (())) for all the frustration too.. Great idea to turn off the phone and when you turn it on again, why dont you delete all his messages rather than read them as other wise it will be turning the key again. And if he refers back to them at any time, deep breath and sweetly say "sorry I deleted them, whilst Im totally responsible for our son, I like to keep stress to a minimum so thought it wise not to read them"
On the boundary front, one I'd definitely be going with is that he WILL NOT see his son under the heavy influence of alcohol or drugs.. Just one little tip dont change what you do with your son to suit your husband, he doesnt deserve that at the moment, you dont have to make things awkward for H just say you want consistency for little one. One sentance I used a lot when H was still foggy was, Im not being awkward Im just looking after my own mental and emotional health as that is very important to me! Certainly getting a selection of preset sentances that you can use when you cant think of anything to say was my saving grace!
So your H has now gone back to MIA I like that I used to describe my H as going AWAL lol! Now get some serious ME and ME & S time, one nice thought is that whilst S will probably forget that H left at this time he will never forget the lovely Mum time he has had, so make sure this time is full of nice memories for him, then when he is a teenager he wont be able to use "my father left me" as amunition lol!
I hope by the time you read this the 24/48hr brain space will have kicked in and you will be feeling a bit more relaxed!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you I am more relaxed after a night's sleep. Sleep sure does make a difference!
H did txt me that he "should have been clearer" about his plans" and I reminded him that our son has had lots of family time so of course he expects that to continue = unless H explains to him. I told him he needs to be clear with S about his scheduling, implying I don't want to be the one to clean up his mess.
As for partying, this is something H has picked up since leaving - would have never done this before. He absolutely always does it away from S and I would enforce that no matter what. It's if he comes over here tired and hungover thenI'm frustrated - but I would never leave him alone with S like that. I'm definitely there with S the whole time also. Hopefully when he comes out of the fog, he'll leave the partying behind as it's so unlike him.
I love th idea of having sentences ready - I'll have to think that one out when I'm alone, and I'll post them here later!
Ok, so focus on me time - me and S. We have such a great time together, it's going to be a great weekend. We have lots of dinosaur and firetruck activities planned
I was prepared to just go about my day at the beach with S and tell H that I can't guarantee being back here at any specific time on such short notice. Guess who showed up for the afternoon and joined S and I at the beach. H has continued to be calmer and we laughed and had a good time. Good DBing for me - just having my ME & S time and not focussing on H. Thank you LR for the coaching!
I resisted the urge to panic when he kept saying he "had to go" tonight. I was worried about OW although there is no evidence of it. Instead of asking where he was going, as I was tempted to do and have done, I just made the decision that my 180 is to never ask where he is going, even if he is secretive. I may start being more secretive myself.
We're spending the afternoon as a family tomorrow too. So I don't know what he's doing at night, but daytime he is totally accountable. I will not look as if I even care where he is.
Ooh I'd kill for a day in the sunshine by the beach.. its frosty and icy here in the uk at the moment..
Perfect DB'ing just getting on with things, youv'e read my thread, thats what happened with my H, after not seeing him for a month in which I made my biggest 180's and got used to practising them for me first of all, he popped in for a visit, and then gradually like your H spent more and more time here..
Your best ally is your S.. I never had any input into my S seeing his dad, they are very close and S just carried on visiting and txting his dad as normal.. But he did not necessarily intentionally rely info back to H.. Ok your S is only a tiddler but he will tell his dad all the nice times he is having and how he enjoys being with both of you!
Dont necessarily think your H is having an A unless you can proof it.. Sometimes its a bit "theres got to be someone" on here but my H never had and yours may not have too.. I think depression and stress kicked my H off and ok its been hell for the last few months but maybe if you get a happy marriage out of this struggle it will have been worth it, and you can show little S that when things go pearshaped you work at it.
If you can get your panicking nailed, not only will you be happier but it will be a big obvious 180 to your H and I know mine really appreciates mine now. Ok some times frustration kicks in and I get a little antsy, but if I do lose it a bit recognising it and apologising to H works, I realised I made H responsible for stuff that wasnt his responsibility or his fault!
Hope you have had a lovely day, its my last day off so back to work tomorrow, will be quite busy for a few weeks then got some more time off! Yippee!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
OK, not going to freak about OW - it's probably purely in my head at this point.
Also, back in waiting 24/48 hr. mode. Over xmas, H responded to my statement that I might take S skiing for a night that H would also like to go. When I brought up a good day to go this week, H backslid and said "It's not a good idea, it's complicated." I'm on little sleep so I'm keeping my mouth shut. But I do feel sad. H was the one that originally brought up joining us, something I didn't expect until he offered, then I got my expectations up. As GIMA always says, no expectations.
Had a good weekend with H and S so I don't want to rock the boat. So I guess I'm back to going alone with S and not saying anything to H. But it hurts. I keep feeling despondent - like what if this is it? We never move past friends? Feeling impatient, I guess.
Expectations are evil things! My worse one was hearing H sounding really down on the phone one thursday and it got me thinking yipee he is missing me and coming home this weekend.. weekend came he had rented his flat and was as happy as larry Arrhhh!
Just go back to the normal and remind yourself that extra time and visits are a bonus at the moment! Chin up you can do this, take time out again for you and of course the most essential bit breathe (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. Chin up to you too - I'm sure your horse will comfort you!
Going to MC today to confront H on his verbal abuse - first time. Feeling afraid. H and I got into a tiff last night and he rubs in that he's leaving me because of these arguments. How can he leave me for being the man who treats me to poorly?
Ugh. More later. Until then, you are reminding me to take care of myself, so it's coffee and a pastry beforehand
