Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Gnosis]

Ok, you said to cut our talk short. In the past, she has brought up that we never talked about our problems-just swept them under the rug etc. I think, she will say something to the effect of: See H, this is what you do, when we need to talk about our M, you just cut and run-not sure how to address that-thoughts???

Give her advance notice when she gets on the phone.
"Glad you called. I've only got a few minutes. Things are crazy here. How are the kids doing?"

This solution is NOT permanent, but only for the next few days until you balance out your emotional turmoil.

[goldeylox]

SD, If you do not listen to GNo, I'm going to personally come over there and whack you.
Stop.
Breathe.
Listen.
It's going to be okay.
Goldey

[bluerain]

Ok, I dont think that anyone else has said it, so I am going to... SD, lets assume the worst... where does that leave you? In a position any worse than you were when you left for R&R? I really dont think so... you got to see your family, you are 2 weeks closer to coming home, you have shown your wife that you are capable of taking action to crush her fantasy- even if she did shut you down once (if thats what she was doing), you wont be fooled again, will you?

Start over... now you know that this stuff works, and you can come at it with more faith that it will work than most newcomers.

My sister is a big time worrier, and I will give you a quote that I gave her, maybe it will help you "let go and let god",

Be still and know that I AM.

You need to be still right now, at least in this aspect. Let this part of your life go and let God have control of it. You take care of YOU, and the rest of it, well, it will play out exactly how it is supposed to, but for now, really, what are you helping by worrying and beating yourself up like this?

[bluerain]

Caveat- Im not saying that you dont take action to make sure that you are protected, legally and what-not!

[SoldierDad]

I know that I am worrying for no reason. My problem, and I've said this before is, I analyze EVERYTHING.

I want answers to EVERYTHING. I have to accept that I may not ever get the answers to any of this.

I just can't understand what happened, and what is going to happen-so I just have to LET it happen-and NOT overanalyze it. It is what it IS.

[bluerain]

So what if the answer is that its not logical? That it doesnt make sense, that all of these choices were made based on spur of the moment, emotional reactions? We are human beings, and MANY of our choices dont make sense, we arent math, and we dont adhere to rules of behavior.

It is what it is... sometimes its nothing more.

[SoldierDad]

bluerain,

I have a hard time believing she would do/say all the things she said/did, unless she felt "something" towards our M. She seemed sincere in her words/actions.

We shared alot of emotions, and talked about so much.

But, if it was merely spew/B.S., I guess I have to accept that too-although it will be hard for me to do so.

[bluerain]

I absolutely agree, my point is, that just because they made sense right then, doesnt mean that she can make her actions/choices make sense right now.

You have to accept it, no matter what it is really, but that doesnt mean that you stop DBing, infact, it means that now you need to DB more than ever!

And even if she does truly, sincerely mean all of it, rushing back into things too soon and not forcing yourselves to take things slow and solve your problems will jeopordize everything.

Just stay careful is all we are saying. Dont let her bamboozle you... as soon as my H said he wanted to try again, I fell for it, and you can tell from my signature line how well it worked out. I fell for it as hard as anyone, and instead of asking him to earn his way back into the M, I rushed in. It will not only protect you, but it will give your marriage the biggest chance at succeeding.

Even if she does mean it, and even if she does want to work things out SD, you have to stay detached and go slowly, because at any moment, she could change her mind and end up exactly back where she was two weeks ago.

[SoldierDad]

I agree.

I think my problem is I want our M "fixed" now. I have to understand that this is a PROCESS, and that it is going to take time to heal, and move forward.

How does the WAS view these things?

I don't know if my W is coming out of the fog, or is just confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

I have to be patient, and understand that she is confused too.

I must continue to db, and do it better than before- for ME.

Patience is my virtue right now-I just have to stick to the plan.

My W knows that I am gone for about 10 more weeks, and she also knows what we both talked about, and that she has decisions to make too.

Gotta lovingly detach, and STAY detached...

[SoldierDad]

I have another question for the experts on this board.

I have the OM's home address in dallas. Should I contact him, and tell him to leave my W alone-tell him what happened between W and I before I left?

My gut tells me no, it would be a big mistake, but I would like the opinion of the board.