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Pheonix. My suggestion would be to make no futher mention of the trip. Take time formulate a boundry then articulate the boundry. The less it relates to a specific event(like Pheonix) the less it is suseptible to seem controlling Actually, no matter what you say you will hear about how contolling you are. Remember that when chosing how to verbalize whatever your boundry you decide upon. The counter move will always be that you are controlling. So it maybe helpful not center it upon the Pheonix trip.I mean, your boundry should be broad enough to cover whether she is in Pheonix or at Starbucks. But also specific enough to let her know where the line of demarcation is. Does this make sense? Next trust.

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Trust. Both you and your W lack trust in one another. So that is something you have in common! Another thing you have in common is that you both seem to want to trust the other. This is promising!
She has to rebuild your trust around fidelity. She has to do this. Perhaps when you articulate your boundries around OP, you can have some constructive discussions about how she can regain your trust. Just a thought.

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TriDoc -

Yea, I was AWAKE! Not fully cooperative, either! They didn't like the 25 attempts to find out if "I was done yet?" And, "hit me w/some more of that relaxing med!" And, "WARM IT UP UNDER HERE!"

Good to hear on the condescending! And, way to overcome the PRIDE! What a change of routine your life took, though!!!

We live in a neighborhood, and circle of friends that are all Docs. You'll love this... My H owns a trucking company. Everyone is always asking him what he does/is, if we go to a party, a new event, etc... He tells them he's a Transportologist! Ha! It makes me laugh, still, after hearing it 311+ times!

OK, now I'm going to read up on what's going on w/you...


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Doc, mountain climbing, Hummer tours, etc...? Those are not exactly something you'd just go sign up for alone. Wouldn't you want to share the adrenaline pump w/someone else? I get it re: activities sharing vs. straying for sex. Sounds like you two have some work to do.


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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All,

Thanks for chiming in. Although it was a tough morning, I think we made some headway. She knows I’m not afraid to go through with a divorce and I sense some indecision on her part. Like wonderful said, there are trust issues on both sides to take care of and this will take some time.

My W felt depressed today and didn’t want to go out for her run. She had tears in her eyes. I put my hand on her shoulder and told her “just go, you’ll feel better once you get it over with”. Then she went....12 miles in the cold and ice. Brrr, she’s so tough.

Lotus, I looked at the website for Retrouvaille and showed it to my W. She looked at it too. The first thing she said was “I don’t want to blow a whole weekend” but then retracted her statement and now remains uncommitted. There is one in our hometown so no travel is necessary.

When she returned, I ordered some Chinese take out and we ate at the table as a family. We all talked together as a family and it was pleasant. I thought it went well.

While she was gone running, I went out and rented the movie “The Hangover”. I heard that this movie was really funny and we needed some levity tonight. I thought this would be a good icebreaker. It did not disappoint. We were both cracking up laughing the entire time. Laughter is the best medicine.

I don’t know. I guess it will just take some time. I am on call tomorrow and most likely will be working 24 hrs straight. Maybe some time away will be good.

I’m not going to mention anything more about the trip or what we discussed today. I guess I will try to just let all that go, and chalk it up to another moment of weakness.


Me:49
W: 41
Kids=D14/D14/S10
Married: 15
Together: 16
Bomb: 08/26/09
Currently: separated but in the different houses.
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You have built your marriage and family over 15 years. You have 3 children. And less than 48 hours is too much time to devote to trying to save it? Granted, it only works if you both are willing to go. But it is an incredibly small investment of time to improve the rest of your life.

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I thought that the hangover was stupid... and hilarious! I laughed the whole time.

I agree that letting what happened earlier go is the right thing. Can you change it? No, that ship has sailed. Theres no sense in beating yourself up over it. Everyone backslides, says things that they arent proud of, whatever, we all screw up, its a learing experience, is it not? I agree that the on call time will be a nice break for both of you, and I would be really surprised if she didnt spend at least a little time researching the Retro weekend on her own.

Stay dark as much as possible, and allow yourself to enjoy a little bit of your life that hasnt been polluted by your WAW.


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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Lotus, I agree. The time spent in Retro is minimal. It is my birthday that weekend, maybe it can be her gift to me. Is it really as good as advertised? I read somewhere 1/1000 get divorced after completing the program.

Bluerain, Yeah it was stupid but sometimes that's what we need. At least we laughed and had fun. I think that went a long way. When we both separated for the evening to go to our rooms for the night she initiated saying "goodnight" Weeks before she would have just disappeared without saying a word, but I don't think she would have watched a movie with me either. I hope you are right about the research she does on her own, but I think she is looking more for "how to end it counseling"

I read your sitch. It breaks my heart to see how other folks get here and what they go through. How are things going with you now?


Me:49
W: 41
Kids=D14/D14/S10
Married: 15
Together: 16
Bomb: 08/26/09
Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,240
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Originally Posted By: Tridoc
Lotus, I agree. The time spent in Retro is minimal. It is my birthday that weekend, maybe it can be her gift to me.


I'm not sure I'd phrase it that way to her; she might feel like she's being pressured to go. I wouldn't boast about the success rate, either.

At the same time, Retrouvaille will probably not work for you if she is actively involved with someone else; they ask that as part of the process.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
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Trent,

You're right. I can't pressure her. She says she isn't in an A. She goes to great lengths to prove that she isn't. I've emailed for information. Have you gone?


Me:49
W: 41
Kids=D14/D14/S10
Married: 15
Together: 16
Bomb: 08/26/09
Currently: separated but in the different houses.
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