Bunny, it may be helpful for you to also know that most "swingers" are untreated sex addicts, feeding off each other's illnesses. They are usually completely unaware of their condition. One thing most addicts have in common is that they are delusional about what their "drug" is doing to themselves, their bodies, the people in their lives, etc. Until at last, at some point, something happens that makes them realize some hint of their delusion. At that point, they may spiral even worse out of control so as to stay "happy" in their delusion, along with their drug...or they may begin to take the baby steps toward recovery. It can be a lifelong process to recover, as with all addicts.
I just wanted to mention this to you, as you may not have realized that all the men you have accepted company from are actually using addicts and are also pushers/dealers.
Maybe this will help you realize you should pull completely out of that scene to get clean and healthy.
Bunny, it may be helpful for you to also know that most "swingers" are untreated sex addicts, feeding off each other's illnesses. They are usually completely unaware of their condition. One thing most addicts have in common is that they are delusional about what their "drug" is doing to themselves, their bodies, the people in their lives, etc. Until at last, at some point, something happens that makes them realize some hint of their delusion. At that point, they may spiral even worse out of control so as to stay "happy" in their delusion, along with their drug...or they may begin to take the baby steps toward recovery. It can be a lifelong process to recover, as with all addicts.
I just wanted to mention this to you, as you may not have realized that all the men you have accepted company from are actually using addicts and are also pushers/dealers.
Maybe this will help you realize you should pull completely out of that scene to get clean and healthy.
DQ
^^^Wow.^^^
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Also, Bunny, regarding being in "the lifestyle" too long or being addicted to sex like DQ suggests, it might be telling that you made the leap from mindfull's caring
Originally Posted By: mindfull
...how about a HUG!!!
to:
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
That was one thing I was able to avoid this whole time- the girl on girl scene. H pushed hard for a FMF over the years, but uh-uh, nope, not interested, I held my ground on that one...
You might want to explore DQ's observations with your IC, an IC who specializes in it or even just some research on-line.
I don't mean to offend, here, at all. It was just a connection that I wouldn't have made. But then again, in the term you once used, I'm "vanilla".
And I hope you get stronger, heal, break free, and someday meet a real, caring man and realize how sacred a flavor vanilla can be!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Bunny, You didn't sound flippant at all. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I just thought the instant connection to the "lifestyle" was revealing as to how automatic your thinking is to "lifeystyl-ese", that's all.
Sorry if I offended.
new message in the .alt, btw.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
These revelations today have me feeling sick to my stomach. I think H gave me a much bigger mind-f*** than I originally gave him credit for. I knew that H has sexual issues of his own, and now I'm just like him? I can't believe that I moved out, but I didn't get away from him and his influence even though he's not here.
My IC already had plans to use some kind of PTSD therapy with me after I settled in after the move, I wonder if that will dovetail with all this new stuff.
I can't believe that I moved out, but I didn't get away from him and his influence even though he's not here.
Look at it this way: you know that you have issues to be worked on, and they say the first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
My IC already had plans to use some kind of PTSD therapy with me after I settled in after the move, I wonder if that will dovetail with all this new stuff.
I'm reeling...
(((SpyBunny))) I think you are doing great. It's not easy examining yourself and your life, but you will be a stronger, better person for it in the end.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I knew that H has sexual issues of his own, and now I'm just like him?
Oh, no you're not. No,no, no, no NO! Not even close. You are decent, selfless, loving and caring just for starters. That trumps the hell out of H!
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I can't believe that I moved out, but I didn't get away from him and his influence even though he's not here.
Like I used to tell my kids when they were growing up. It's okay to think or talk that way (incapable, not strong, etc.) as long as you end such thoughts and sentences with the word "yet!" You're not away from his "lnfluence" yet. but you are moreso every day. Hold to your boundaries, keep him out of your apartment, go dark. You gain strength everyday. Back a few posts there were two mildly crude phrases used. One was, "Eff Him" to which I added, "Your H is dead to you". Keep these as mantras and like I said in the .alt, read and re-read all recent posts. And like I also said in the .alt: you (and I) now have dozens of friends we didn't have a short time ago. True friends. LISTEN TO THEM.
You've spent years under the spell of a master manipulating abuser and you're not away from his influence yet in a couple of short weeks? Of course you're not. Cut yourself some slack.
And always be aware of, suspicious of, and dismiss and disregard his every (calculated) word and action.
And like the old joke says (paraphrase): You'll always know when he's lying, manipulating, setting you up, undermining your progress, etc.: How? His lips will be moving!
You my dear, have to be constantly on your guard, constantly hyper-vigilant and disregard everything that comes out of his mouth.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
My IC already had plans to use some kind of PTSD therapy with me after I settled in after the move, I wonder if that will dovetail with all this new stuff.
Great. Sounds like a very perceptive IC. It should all dovetail very nicely.
I know I've said it before: I sound very strident on your sitch and come across like a broken record. But that's because for now you don't need to just hear these truths once or twice: you need to hear them, re-hear them and re-hear them again. Reinforcement. Read all these posts from so many caring, objective, appalled DBers. Take a poll if you'd like.
You are good, valuable, decent, building and moving forward. H is evil, worthless, sick, destructive and stagnant.
Believe us. Hell, just pretend to believe us for now even if you don't. It will buy you time and prevent backsliding and that's what you need most until all the scales fall from your eyes and you finally see. Really seee.Completely see!
Bunny, I wish I could talk to you without getting so incensed at your sitch...and your H! I just can't. Not yet
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
H pushed hard for a FMF over the years, but uh-uh, nope, not interested, I held my ground on that one... 
