Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

gima,

You wrote
"W, I am prepared to work on our M, and part of that, a crucial part, is that I be able to trust you. Without that, this M, no M, will work. But, you have shattered my trust and faith in you. I don't know if I can regain that, and it will take some time and effort on your part." And this is where transparency comes in. If she is truly interested in being trustworthy, she should have no problem with a transparency plan...b/c (1) she should want to earn your trust back and (2) she should have NOTHING to hide".

When should I do this? I really beleive that she believes in her mind that she has done NOTHING wrong. I beleive that she has somehow convinced herself that she hasn't stepped outside the M.

I know we can't control other people, but how in the world do I suggest to my W, that she needs help, and she needs to do it herself, when she doesn't think she really has a problem?

When we discussed her seeing a doctor, she admitted to childhood issues, and some other things, but I'm not sure she will ever follow through and actually TELL her doctor about her issues. Is there anyway I can help her with that?

[givingitmyall]

You HAVE to cut yourself some slack. HAVE TO.

You HAVE to let the slight stumble go. A slip up, but not a fatal mistake.

I understand you are hurt/feel used. Understand that what's really going on is fear. Fear based on an unreasonable belief (that you've just blown everything - financially, custody, visitation).

I can hear you working yourself up again. Take a breath, get rid of the panic and think it through.

-You haven't blown it. The fact is she has still done things in front of the boys that will NOT help her case. And even if she hadn't, she cannot take your boys away from you.
-You don't KNOW she used you.
-You can't control what she decides to do.

Think it through. Calmly. Change your thought from "I've blown it" to "I will be fine." Things are never as bad as we imagine they might be.

[givingitmyall]

gima,

You wrote
"W, I am prepared to work on our M, and part of that, a crucial part, is that I be able to trust you. Without that, this M, no M, will work. But, you have shattered my trust and faith in you. I don't know if I can regain that, and it will take some time and effort on your part." And this is where transparency comes in. If she is truly interested in being trustworthy, she should have no problem with a transparency plan...b/c (1) she should want to earn your trust back and (2) she should have NOTHING to hide".

When should I do this? I really beleive that she believes in her mind that she has done NOTHING wrong. I beleive that she has somehow convinced herself that she hasn't stepped outside the M.

I know we can't control other people, but how in the world do I suggest to my W, that she needs help, and she needs to do it herself, when she doesn't think she really has a problem?

When we discussed her seeing a doctor, she admitted to childhood issues, and some other things, but I'm not sure she will ever follow through and actually TELL her doctor about her issues. Is there anyway I can help her with that?

Right now, I don't think you have that conversation with her. She's not ready for that. I seem to remember you saying she was willing to see a MC. If so, that needs to be your next move (after talking to your L, of course). See where MC takes you.

[bluerain]

Hi SD, I know that they have said it to you before, but Im going to say it again: Relax. You made a very human, and very common mistake. I did the same thing. But you know what you need to do to recover. Right now you have to work on detaching. Get back to where you felt like you were in control.

[SoldierDad]

I agree, with the part about things aren't as bad as they seem.

I mean, how should I look at the fact that she wanted to meet me, wanted me to go with her to the house, etc? Was it just a last ditch effort to hurt me, or see if she still had her reigns on me?

I don't know, I think it might have been to see where I was as far as caring about her, but then all the old emotions came back as we talked and I was pushing for her to end the A, and explain things that I knew she was doing.

My issue is I need to know WHY? I need to know WHAT? You know?

I think she sees that as controlling/obsessiveness - I dunno.

[SoldierDad]

She did agree to counseling, but that was before last night and her gettin angry and hanging up, and going dark on me.

I am trying to relax, my issue is I am THE fixer. My job requires it. I am always in charge, and can fight my way out of anything-ANYTHING-except this.

She just was so incredibly sincere when we were in the airport, and at home. I could FEEL it in her, that she wanted to work it out. My thoughts now are that I am out of sight, out of mind.

Maybe she is hurt and confused too. Maybe it all happened so fast, and she feels like I do-I dunno.

So many unanswered questions.

Oh, she sent me a text on my layover, that said "There is a song that everytime i hear it i think of and need u look it it up lady antebellum run to u

Well, I looked up the lyrics, and it seemed to me that she was saying that I was always going to be there for her, to fall back on - THOUGHTS?

[givingitmyall]

SD,

You are trying to figure out what she is thinking and why she is thinking those thoughts. STOP. It is a waste of your energy.

You are trying to figure out something she may not even understand.

Let it go. It is not productive.

[SoldierDad]

One other thing I noticed while home on R & R.

Whenever I went out-women noticed me. They flirted with me. It didn't happen everytime, but I noticed them looking at me, and some smiled at me. It made me feel good, but then again, I felt kind of sick because I was/am still very much in love with my W.

I feel like I won't ever have a problem attracting W, but that isn't what I want right now.

I guess my ego was boosted, but I just didn't see/want it boosted at the time. Had those damned blinders on-tunnel vision.

Forgot something else. W cooked for me my last night-made a wonderful prime rib, with all the fixings. Also, she got up early the day I left, and made me breakfast. The key in this is my W HATES to cook.

Why am I still reading into all of this? Just gotta let go, and let God.

[TrentC]

It made me feel good, but then again, I felt kind of sick because I was/am still very much in love with my W.

I feel like I won't ever have a problem attracting W, but that isn't what I want right now.

But it should be taken as a good sign that you are confident enough and attractive enough that other women take note. Believe me, your wife will notice also if and when the fog lifts.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

Thanks. I think it was a good sign, I just really didn't acknowledge it until just now.

As a matter of fact, when I got back stateside, I saw women, and I immediately disliked all that I saw. Perfume made me sick-it all reminded me of my W.

I have thawed to all of that, and I told my W when we talked, that I realized that I didn't NEED her in my life, but that I WANTED her in my life. This seemed to surprise her, I saw a different side of her in her eyes when I said that.