Riding the roller coaster, and hanging on for dear life. Very sad, depressed and emotional last night and today. Didn't get enough sleep last night, and S7 woke me up WAY too early this morning. Finally took down Christmas tree and decorations and started sorting/packing 15 years worth of memories into separate boxes. Having a real tough time keeping myself distracted from thinking about STBXW. The gaping hole in my soul is huge today. I still miss her so much. I know that this too shall pass, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Built a new computer for S7 today and he's thrilled at how much faster his games run. I'm practically a magician to him, and I'm savoring every minute with him. STBXW hasn't spoken to him in 6 days since I picked him up from her apt.
Talked with W1 for a long time last night and had to have a heart-to-heart with her. She has been making comments and hinting around about the feelings she still has for me. Although she already knew, I had to explain frankly that right now I have to get myself together for myself first and also finish grieving over losing the woman I loved so deeply before I was even going to THINK about jumping into a new R...even one with a history. W1 and I were together for 8 years when I was just a pup. We've remained friends for over 20 years since our divorce.
I do still have feelings (both emotional and physical) for W1 after all these years, but I recognize that I'm extremely vulnerable right now. I want so bad to feel (replace?) the love that I once received from STBXW, but it's just not the right time for any R...may not be for many years. W1 understood/agreed and apologized for her timing, and promised to back off and give me the time I need to work on learning to love myself.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I do still have feelings (both emotional and physical) for W1 after all these years, but I recognize that I'm extremely vulnerable right now. I want so bad to feel (replace?) the love that I once received from STBXW, but it's just not the right time for any R...may not be for many years. W1 understood/agreed and apologized for her timing, and promised to back off and give me the time I need to work on learning to love myself.
Oh wow, that is something to read CC. Kind of amazing to think of the prospects there, but I think your right to hold off right now.
I can understand how you feel about your need to work on yourself first, and looking for space and time to come to grips with things.
Having a w1 may give you some better perspective though from which to work.
Last edited by iwantittowork; 01/02/1004:24 AM.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I don't think you should date XW1, and agree it is a good thing that you are on friendly terms with her.
If you don't mind me asking, what were the reasons for the first divorce?
As Facebook would say, It's Complicated, and this question is most likely to lead to a small novel here.
XW1 and I FIL when I was 18. She was my Dad's (Baptist minister) secretary, and was 5 yrs my senior. I had recently been dumped my my "long-term" HS sweetheart (3 years together) and I was quite flattered that someone older than me showed an interest.
XW1 and I were together for a year when her sister was killed in a car accident. She became the legal guardian of her sister's 8yo daughter, who had been in the accident and watched her mother die before her eyes. Despite the trauma that both of them felt due to XW1's sister's death, we stayed together as an "instant family" for two more years before we got married. During this dating period, I did my best during the day to fill the role of a parental figure, but at night, I sowed many wild oats behind her back...the only time I've ever cheated on someone I loved.
I married XW1 when I was 21, and moved directly from my parents house to my first marital home (apt). I dropped all extra-curricular activities and remained faithful to her while we were married. The next year, I started a good career, was transferred and we moved 250 miles from my family. Over the next 3+ years, I felt more and more overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenthood. My MIL also had moved in with us, and XW1 and I were no longer the "couple" that we had started as. I felt like I been required to mature too quick and act like an adult, even when I still felt like I kid. XW1 also felt overwhelmed and separated from me, moving back to our home town. She also had started developing serious mental problems and she wanted to focus on working on these issues. MIL and niece moved to another state and XW1 and I both got small apartments and lived alone for about 5 months. Around month 5 apart, I met this very cute, athletic college girl who was 5 years younger than me and I became totally infatuated with her (she had my brain chemistry going strong). A month later, XW1 asked to come back and try to reconcile M. I cruelly told her "no" and refused her offer. I thought I had found "the one" and divorced XW1.
Within 6 months of D, I married XW2. I ignored many signs of incompatibility and let my brain chemistry and the pressure from XW2's parents drive my decision to marry her. The chemicals quickly waned in both of us, and she divorced me before we had been together 2 years. Classic rebound script. I've never seen or spoken to XW2 again.
XW1 and I remained friendly after our D, but I was never open to returning to a R with her. She went through years of dealing with her mental problems (multiple personality disorder) and fighting to become integrated once again. She succeeded, and managed to get her life together, although resigned to herself that she would spend the rest of her life alone.
Fearing a similar rebound situation as XW2, when I met STBXW, I fought my feelings HARD. It had already been 9 months since D from XW2 was final, but I was still in no place to start a new R. STBXW and I became close friends and kept it non-serious for over a year before we finally admitted to each other that it was more than that. STBXW moved in with me, and we spent 4 (fantastic) years together (including life-changing moves to Dallas and Colorado) before we felt we had a strong enough R to get M. Our M was very strong and full of love until shortly after the birth of S7, when the R started changing.
I'm thankful that XW1 and I remained friendly for all these years since our D. She never allowed us to completely lose touch with each other, even when I was in the middle of R with STBXW. We would occasionally meet for lunch/dinner when she was in town and we learned how to be just friends (not "just friends").
Over the years, as STBXW and I started having problems, XW1 was a semi-objective voice that I would sometimes turn to for advice/opinion. When the bomb dropped this year, I found myself turning to XW1 more frequently. Her knowledge of "who I am" gave her insight that I couldn't get from anyone else. The contact has increased significantly since STBXW moved out, and my life started crumbling around me. Since I found out about the serial adultery of STBXW, XW1 and I have spoken pretty much on a daily basis. I also went and visited her and niece during the holidays, and found myself surprisingly comfortable being around my "1st Family".
This led to the conversation XW1 and I had the night before last, when we finally confronted the elephant in the room. I'm glad she is able to acknowledge and accept that I'm in no place for a R right now. It does make me feel good to be wanted/loved as I'm stinging from the betrayal/rejection of STBXW, but we both know that it's going to take a LONG time for me to get to the place I need to be before I can dive into a healthy R.
XW1 and I talked for 2.5 hours last night, and it was more like it was before. No R talk, just two long-time friends sharing details of their lives...catching up on 20+ years of experiences we've had apart. Luckily, XW1 lives in another state, so our visits are infrequent. She is going to come up for dinner with me while S7 is at Disney World in a couple of weeks, but she's assured me there is no ulterior motive to the visit, and I won't allow it to be anything more.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Been a few days since I've posted. I've had to take a bit of a break from here, as reading all these threads can really depress me right now. I've had minimal contact with STBXW since she was served the D papers. I did talk to her long enough last Saturday for her to get a few jabs in. Seems the people who know you the best/longest, know the most vulnerable places to hit to really hurt the worse. I should have cut the conversation shorter and not given her that chance. Spent the next few days reeling from the low blows, and trying to rise above the self-blame that was triggered. I know it's not my fault that she became a serial adulterer, but I also know I'm not perfect and did/do have my flaws that contributed to her pulling away from me.
S7 spent Sunday afternoon visiting STBXW. Everything was civil. When picking him up, as I stood in the doorway, she apologized for all the things she had done to me, but that there was nothing she could do to change these things. She gave me a hug and told me that although I'd never believe any words coming out of her mouth, she did love me. She knows that we can't remain married...the distrust would be too overwhelming for both of us.
Still waiting to find out whether she is going to attempt to fight me for joint custody of S7, or agree to the terms she's been presented, and move on as quickly as possible.
Took S7 to Cub Scouts last night. My first night as "den mother". We had a good time, and I had another father volunteer to be co-leader with me, so I'm not facing the full responsibility/pressure of doing it every meeting.
Funny, after no contact at all with S7 unless she saw him face to face, STBXW is suddenly calling him to say goodnight each night. Guess it took receiving D papers to get her to do this, since I've asked her numerous times to call. I just pass the phone directly to S7 and let them talk for a few minutes.
Gotta get back to work. Have a good day!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Funny, after no contact at all with S7 unless she saw him face to face, STBXW is suddenly calling him to say goodnight each night. Guess it took receiving D papers to get her to do this, since I've asked her numerous times to call.
I'm thinking her atty is telling her to make sure she does this. Any good one would.
Just got back from the clinic for STD test results. All were negative. Such a humiliating experience to have to go through when the only person you've had sex with was your wife.
WAW is starting to show pursuing behavior towards me. She's definitely been shaken by receiving the D papers, and is having second thoughts about the whole thing. I've avoided any deep R discussion so far, but I'm sure we'll have to talk about it at some point. Two nights ago, she started texting me late, lamenting how much she missed snuggling with me in our bed. She ended up coming over for several hours. She climbed in bed with me and we snuggled in the dark just holding each other, smelling each other, touching each other. No talking, no analyzing, no blaming, no promises...just the beating of two damaged hearts with a long history, feeling the closeness of that particular moment in time. Probably not the best thing for my attempts at detachment, but I have no regrets for the experience.
I'm still moving forward with my plans, as I still feel it's what's best for me, S7 and STBXW. We both need some time to work on ourselves to become the people we need to be. I know that it's going to take much time for me to forgive her for what has happened with OMs. I think that the issue of trust is still the biggest obstacle in busting this D. We still have S7 in common that will keep us in each other's lives, and if there comes a time when we feel that we want to have another go at a R, we can build from there.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Just got back from the clinic for STD test results. All were negative. Such a humiliating experience to have to go through when the only person you've had sex with was your wife.
I know. Try having it done to you by a female doctor, too. Blccch.
