Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis,
I value your advice and words of encouragement, it always sets me straight.

I am sitting here crying, felling sorry for myself because I had these delusions of grandeur, and now I am back at square one.

My W has a difficult time acknowledging fault-always has. How can i help her with that?

Also, when we were talking, we talked about her having issues in her mind about her childhood, and that she needed to see a doctor to see what was wrong-we discussed Bi-polar etc.

She did not wish to be on any medicines, abut I encouraged her that it might help her deal with her issues.

Over all, our talk was very productive-or so I thought.

I re-established that I would NOT share her with another man/men, and she agreed to end everything. I don't know if I believe her on this though, as the guy from Dallas has alot to offer, and bought her a ugly black onyx like ring. She promised me she would return it, and end the relationship-DO I BELIEVE HER?

How do I know that it truly is over? Her word? Because if/when I ask for transparency, she is going to say - "what, you don't trust me?" I don't know what to respond with and how to begin to trust her again. I WANT TO TRUST HER.

I want to do the work to repair our M, and she agreed that she did too-what happened between a day ago and last night? What did I do to screw that up? We were talking about everything-the boys telling her things, I brought up OM-whenever I do she becomes very defensive and changes back to my problems-I understand this, but it is very frustrating.

If we do talk again, what should I talk with her about? She constantly brings up the way I used to act, say, do. I didn't take her out/was smothering/controlling etc.

I just want to make positive steps, and do whatever I can to help her come home.

I also want to do the work on myself, to continue to heal from all of this. I hope that my M is a product of that, and will benefit from it.

[givingitmyall]

Can I still set the OM boundary, and expect her to comply?

You serious?! Unless you want to live in an open M (I can't, and IMO, that is not the definition of M), you not only can do this, but you HAVE to do this. What sort of example do you want to set for your boys?

She mentioned that I need to trust her, that she is taking care of it-HOW DO I DO THAT?? How do I trust her at all?

How do I get her to understand that I don't trust her, but I want to?

"W, I am prepared to work on our M, and part of that, a crucial part, is that I be able to trust you. Without that, this M, no M, will work. But, you have shattered my trust and faith in you. I don't know if I can regain that, and it will take some time and effort on your part." And this is where transparency comes in. If she is truly interested in being trustworthy, she should have no problem with a transparency plan...b/c (1) she should want to earn your trust back and (2) she should have NOTHING to hide.

Stop trying to speculate about what she may be thinking or what she may do next. You can't read her mind, her actions this soon after all he!! has broken loose probably aren't going to be trustworthy and you are only driving yourself nuts. Get back to fundamentals.

[givingitmyall]

ROFLMAO.

GiMA I feel like we're a tag-team here. SD, chill dude, just chill.

With that said, I'm going out to grab a bite to eat, catch a movie and have some fun. SD, suggest you do the same.

That is a great idea. SD, get up from the computer and go do something very physically draining. That always helps me clear my mind. Stay busy friend.

@Gnosis, yes, we can be Mr. Wrestling No. 1 and 2.

[SoldierDad]

Gnosis, can you read my previous post and comment. Am interested in your thoughts to what I posted. Thank you.

[Frosty Michael]

SD:

Wanted to further affirm that you have nothing to feel bad about. I doubt even your W knows how sincere she was when you spoke with her. She probably did really feel like she wanted to make things work, but when things get this complicated it's just plain not that simple to correct them. It's like having a horrible series of knots in a rope and thinking you can just pull them free.

I went through something like this with my W back in October. She came to be me devestated and broken and started spending the night with me sporatically. Turns out she was just using me as an emotional crutch because so much was crumbling around her. As soon as she felt stable again she went right back out with OM for good times and became a ghost in my life once more.

WAS's have a lot to learn and get through on thier own before they can sincerely reconcile I think. I'm notice my W become a little more clairvoyant each month but there's a lot of one step forward four steps back.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to save your M and your family. One of your best weapons is patience. You can't force her to do anything or be sincere.

[SoldierDad]

Michael,

reading that and knowing that my biggest fear is her running back to OM.

I just FEEL that she has already contacted him.

I was there, and she probably needed something to fill an emotional or physical need, and she came to me. I really wish I would have NOT slept with her.

She did mention something about she couldn't cheat on me-with me.

She told me a little about OM, how they would never work out because they were just "friends", and his family was a very successful family, and she didn't fit in. I don't know if she was looking at me to boost her ego or what, but listening to all of that really hurt.

My W is the type that needs attention to feed her ego-she relishes the fact that men flirt with her, and want to take her out.

This makes me very uncomfortable as you can imagine. I think this comes from something from her childhood, we talked about that, but she didn't really go into detail.

I just don't want to be weak around her, I want to be strong and someone she WANTS to be with.

I can't compete with OM as far as $$$ But I beleive that he is only interested in her sexually. Not sure though-he did buy her an ugly ring. I know my wife's preference in jewelry and the ring he bought her is NOT her style-she mentioned that as well.

What do I do about OM? I set the boundary about sharing her, and asked her, and she agreed to end it. How can I broach that topic with her-or do I just wait for her to tell me it's over?

It is such a messy sitch.

[Frosty Michael]

SD:

I hear you. The awful thing is you can't stop her from going back to OM (or finding a new OM.)

The best I've been able to do is lay down a boundary that when we do get together to talk she is NEVER to bring up or discuss OM or other relationships with me in any capacity. My W has found herself in an emotionally abusive relationship with OM (and still is I assume), and expected me to be her coping mechanism while STILL dating OM!

Don't be an emotional crutch. If she needs an ego boost or reassurance she should see a therapist and work on herself OR be faithful to you and get the emotional fulfillment of a healthy marriage. I'm guessing she's probably not reasonable enough to understand this so she'll probably have to stumble around in the dark and scrape her knees for a while first. That can be tough to watch when you love her so much. So GAL without closing the door on your marriage.

[SoldierDad]

Ok,
I just woke up, nothing from W.

I thought about my sitch last night trying to fall asleep.

Am I kidding/fooling myself into thinking my W is going to change?

I mean, she basically denied doing ANYTHING wrong except for kissing the OM from dallas.

I am NOT dumb/stupid/niave, I KNOW something else happened. I can feel it.

Why won't she admit to it so that we can move on?

Will she ever admit to the A? Knowing my W, I don't think so-she has an explanation for everything. I have, in the past, bought her explanations for things-not M related, but financial etc.

What am I doing thinking of reconciling with this Woman?

I am really hurt and confused this morning, and don't know what to think/do about my W.

[givingitmyall]

I am really hurt and confused this morning, and don't know what to think/do about my W.

Which is why you don't do anything right now. Just BE.

You don't have to figure this out right now. And you definitely don't want to make a decision until it is based on logic, not emotion.

Stay busy today.

[SoldierDad]

gima,

That sounds so easy. I am even more hurt/confused than what I was pre-tagging.

Why did I do that?

If I just would have stayed the course, things might have gone in a different direction.

I feel like I took a thousand steps back. I pushed her away, even though I should be the one that is hurt, she makes me feel like she is hurting MORE than me.

I mean I KNOW she has had at least an EA, 99% sure there was a PA, why won't she admit to it? She admitted to kissing OM. I told her the only way for us to move forward was to be brutally honest with each other, but she refuses to admit to an A.

I will do my best to just BE, but I feel like I NEED to do something to get to where we were 2 days ago-so that we can move forward.

I had everything planned out as far as the divorce, and the custody stuff, now I am really unsure of everything.

Am I just stupid or what? I just feel so dumb, and used...