Good for you, Gyps. I don't like drinkin' and driving either -- I've even told my friends that unless I have my kids with me at the time, I will come and get them, but to never, ever drive while intoxicated.
Hi, G-Woman. Greetings from Gardener's New Year's Celebrations weekend in Hong Kong and Spain! Um, I mean Connecticut
Bad joke. Sorry about your CC troubles.
Anyway, as always thank you for your support and insights. I answered you on my thread, but thought their wisdom and my gratitude belonged here in your home, too.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Hey G'Man..How many times have you texted, emailed, called, stopped by uninvited? Stop. Just Stop.StepD? The one, uninvited, two-hour "new baby" visit in November.Last night's email wish. StepS? Three voice mails since same visit You're in a world of hurt, looking for validation.And you're dealing with other people in a world of hurt not knowing which way is up. Yep, you're right.Ouch. Bingo. The more you pursue your stepchildren, the more they'll believe what their mom says about you stalking her. The limited above actions I didn't think were pursuing. Maybe they were. STBXW only accused me of stalking once: supposedly watching her from across the pond outside her apt. In April. Totally, ludicrously not true. Let. It. Go. Gone. Gone, friend. New year. New Me. Victim no more. Am going to get back in shape (in many needed ways). Going to get back to me. Will no longer - will no longer - allow things like this make me feel sorry for myself. Reality hurts.It really really does.Yep. Well, some of it does. But clinging onto the dream is worse. That horse is dead. That ship has sailed and sunk.Pull those punches, Gyps! Just Stop.Done Stop all communication with your stepchildren.Now done. Limit any communication with your divorcing spouse.Already done. Going to limit even more. Going to stop 1/27. Set your boundaries.Gonna work on them tonight. And write them down. The stepchildren will reconnect with your son. In time they may reconnect with you.Let them come to you. Stop pursuing. Already on the same page as you Find YOU, G'Man. Am gonna re-find me, friend You're more than the sum of your blended family. Gotta re-find that, too. It was so good for so long that, yes, I let it - understandably -define me.That's what we Nice Guys do. *hugs*hugs?Next time I see you, I'm gonna hug the hell out of you! PS How was the date? January 28th, day after D. No longer considering a date, though. An introduction and an evening of music with company Thanks, GGG (Gypsy, Genius, Gem)
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gypsy, you really know how to get to the heart of the matter, and fast. Perhaps you've been where we are, and are now paying it forward? You rock, babe. I'll give you a ring when time allows. Busy weekend ahead. Come by and give me a whack. love, Goldey
Something I wrote to Frank.. and want to remember..
Here's something I want to share.
If I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.
My greatest fear even during the early years of the marriage was divorce. I never made a wedding album because I was afraid if I did divorce would follow. I didn't want to move out of our sweet tiny house because I knew if we didn't we'd be married for life.
We moved, I put together the album at year nineteen because I asked myself, what was I so afraid of.. even after talking to my former spouse about my wacky fears. But oops.. a divorce happened.
Once I knew my husband was really divorcing me, was gone, finito, arrivederci my greatest fear was financial insecurity. Although we had money in the bank, stocks, bonds I was scared to death and petrified. Guess what happened. The former spouse went nutso testosterone fired his reasonable lawyer, hired a big gun one who sucked down $50,000 in one month and twice as much once by the time the divorce was finalized. Oops.. I got that one too. No financial cushion, no savings, house on the market that's not selling. Ouch.
During this entire process quite a few teenagers my kids know have died in preventable car accidents. Horrible, shocking, heart breaking. The first time it happened I said, "That's a pain I never want to know." The second time it happened, I said the same thing. Now, considering my batting average with great fears, I don't go there. I'm supportive to the families, appreciate all the joys, tangles and angst of my own children and am thankful for all I have.
Why? Because if I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.
Instead of living the fear that you'll lose your children, focus on what is great. Keep that in the forefront of your mind.
The Tolstoy thing in my mind is a compliment. I'd want a frickin' Tolstoy operating on me, looking out for me. But if it bugs you, and you've heard three people make a negative reference to that aspect of your personality.. evaluate it. Maybe it's something you can tweak. There's something about 'threes' and learning.
If you look at the injustices of life, you become and/or are a victim. Even if all your actions are noble and honorable. If you cower at your divorcing spouse's tirades, you're the dog who rolls over and submits. Remember, she's just as miserable as you are. Instead, practice being a cat, turning around and farting in her general direction. (Wait.. do cat's fart?)
You are not a weak man. But you are making your way through a very painful process. And I'm sorry.. the state of New York is just sick financially forcing divorcing couples to live in the same house or risk losing it. Give yourself Frank time.
Next time your divorcing spouse brings out the claws do something different. "I understand why you feel that way." Validate.. yadda yadda. It takes two to fight. Pull the wick from the candle.
State your boundary to your divorcing spouse. If she doesn't respect it, don't reward it. Be the dad first, "Hey kids, let's go play in the other room. I'll be right there." Take the big picture approach, drop the rope. Because all the kids see is you fighting. Hug the kids instead. Tell your divorcing spouse that you understand why she feels this way. That is tough and hard and miserable for everyone. And that it will soon be over and you can each live your separate lives. Tell and accept the truth. Then let it go.
One last thing about the settlement once it's finalized. I started getting unhappy, upset about the final outcome. Then I realized I had no control and that no matter how much I bitched and moaned, nothing would change. So.. I decided that I'd gotten the absolutely best settlement ever. After all, it is what it is.. and when I remember that I did the best I could, and got the best possible, I don't go dipping in the bitter pool full of acidic feelings that eat away at my core.
Some off the cuff not intended for anything thoughts..
Divorce is not fair for most of us. Divorces are obtained too easily against most of us. Divorces are not our choice. Only rarely will a departing spouse alert us of their disappointment and consent to actual marriage counseling. Divorce occurs years before the action is taken by the departing spouse.
At the root usually is severe discontent and 'go along, get along' on either or both sides. Even dysfunction on one or both sides.
One person doesn't make a marriage. And one person does not take the total blame for a divorce. I never could imagine, much less take actions, assertive moves to waylay an affair by my former spouse. I didn't want to see, know, or hear.. a triple monkey. I would never risk a cohesive family to address an increasingly isolated and twisted existence in my relationship.
So when I hear diatribes about punishment and divorce, I roll my eyes. No one wins at divorce. Saying it's unfair doesn't fix the wounds.
A divorce financial bonus is the offshoot of men leaving their wives of umpteen years who ended up penniless and unable to support themselves, and usually with their kids in tow. It was meant to protect the less employable.
I am not a perfect person, but I am a good mother. I don't worry about my role being watered down or too strong. It takes a village to raise a child. Children need both parents. In today's day and age most children have multiple role models who treat each charge differently.
And other people will be more important than their parents at times as the kids grow up. I begged our cleaning lady to be my mother, to let me move in with them. The former spouse doesn't like me, and I don't think highly of the former spouse all that much, either. I am disappointed that our kids don't have parents who talk to each other. So instead of focusing on what he did that was hurtful, I see what he does that is right. He pays what he's supposed to exactly when it's due. He maintains some type of relationship with his kids. He does the best job he knows how to. And I am willing to make the effort not to be at odds with him.
It's not so bad to have a different attitude and a more forgiving one. Crap happens in life. Fairy tales can fracture. And it's a choice to be victimized or stride forward, aware of the injustice but being the best person you know how and are learning how to be.
I never would have chosen this turn in my life. But based on my present actions, I have not hurt my children. They are all flourishing doing better than ever in their lives. And I chose the high road which I tripped, stumbled and bloodied myself striving toward. And I'm not there yet.
Who judges infidelity? The act itself or the stresses that led to it? How do you factor in dysfunction? What about abrupt departure? Would you look at me differently if I'd had the affair because I popped like a zit?
Paying out of a sense of obligation for promises not kept is a beautiful thing, yet rare.
I decided after the divorce was signed that regardless of how I felt that I'd embrace that I got the best settlement possible. Yes.. I get annoyed that others did better in some areas. So when I wallow I get annoyed. It doesn't change anything.
So if I want to spit in the wind, my answer is yes. Otherwise, it doesn't matter.
Yesterday my daughter and I were playing the new Mario game on the Wii. She'd pick up my character, carry me around and throw me off. I'd be hollering that that was unfair. (It hurt my feelings). She'd wail that I made her die but when the same thing happened in reverse (I died) it was no big deal. At one point I observed that she was happiest when we were being persnickety to each other. She cuddled sweetly into my shoulder.
Over the night I realized I take things too personally. When her brothers and her get into that rhythm it's full of barbs but good cheer. It reminds me that I don't know how to 'play.' Growing up my family's teasing was brutal, the former spouse's was cruel. I'm a sea anemone when it comes to verbal taunting even when it's harmless.
So.. today I was calmer, didn't react like each word was a barb meant to injure, just joined in the play. I have a ways to go.. letting go of assumptions and learned patterns. And teaching my daughter where to draw the line between playing and being mean.
