WAW in affair. Help!

[Norm914]

On Robx’s thread, ‘1 thing YOU WILL DEFINITELY CHANGE or DO in 2010!” I resolved to reach out to people more = post here more, so here goes…

There is much to tell since I last posted. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I downloaded the book, “Break Free From the Affair” by Bob Huizenga. It was a godsend. Here, on this site, we use the term, “detach”. Huizenga’s use of the phrase, “break free” has the same connotation. Some of you may have read it. For those who haven’t, Huizenga identifies seven different types of affairs and labels them, “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, “I Can’t Say No”, “I Want to Get Back at You”, etc.

The one that fits my W to a “T” is, “I Need To Prove My Desirability”. He described my W and her behavior with uncanny accuracy. What really stood out, though, was, “The person who engages in this type of affair is the kind of person you would never dream would do such a thing”. I know, I know, no spouse believes that his/her spouse would cheat. What he means is this: My W is the kind of person who is known for her honesty and character. When I first told my trusted friend, who has known W for years, that she was having an affair his response was like, “Your W? With a married man? Okay, hold on Norm. Let’s talk about this buddy. I can’t believe she would disrespect another couple’s marriage like that! Are you sure?” He played the devil’s advocate for 20 minutes until I finally convinced him.

Huizenga goes on to say that this type of A will be short-lived because of the guilt. There is a war raging inside her. She is violating her own principles. The OM is making her feel desirable, but she does not believe that what she is doing is okay --- far from it. I’ve known her for 23 years. He’s right.

Confrontation: Huizenga deals with confrontation in the book as well as his videos. He does not recommend confrontation with this type of affair because of the guilt and says it usually makes things worse. He’s right. Read on…

Big Screw Up: One day at work I must have been surfing “catch a cheating spouse” and got distracted. I probably minimized the screen, but W saw it and printed off the Google results. She confronted me with the printed pages a few days later as if I had done something wrong! She was incredulous, indignant, and hurt to the point of tears and tissues. I stayed calm and didn’t let on very much.

W: “Who do think I’m having an A with?”
Me: “I don’t know.”

W: “What makes you think I’m having an A?”
Me: “You’ve been very secretive. You moved from BIL’s house without telling me when or where. I don’t know where you live. You keep your cell glued to you all the time. You lock your purse away at work.”

W: “I told you I was getting an apartment! I just didn’t want you coming around. I keep my cell on me because I’m busy! And I didn’t want you going through my purse.”
Me: “Okay, I understand.”

She did tell me the name of the apartment complex, but stopped short with that. There was a little R talk, but I was short and to the point. I’m sure I haven’t handled all this perfectly, but I came away feeling like 1) She knows I’m not stupid and have noticed far more than she realized and 2) the heat is turned up on the guilt and 3) if I noticed, who else had noticed? She’s living a lie every day and I know it’s eating at her. Another point is that OM is a cop of 20+ years and I’m sure she told him. He deals every day with people who are “dumb like a fox” and he is trained to be suspicious. And he may be suspicious and afraid that I know far more than I let on.

This is getting long so I’ll stop here. I kept my resolution on day one! Woo hoo!!

Norm