Hi Norm, looks like there are a few of us up late/early.....this time of a.m., don't know if I should sleep or just stay up.
You are correct. Everyone has to do what works for them. You did right by getting off to yourself and listening to God. Your friend is wise and I can tell you that most things in my life....I wasn't delivered from storm, but God held my hand as I went through the storm. Some things are like giving birth.....once it starts, there's no turning back.
You are getting information from a lot of different sources, so just don't get confused about what to do. Stay focused and keep feeling like you are at this moment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are correct. Everyone has to do what works for them.
So true, I’ve learned. There is a lot commonality in our sitch’s, and certainly some general guidelines. But human beings, relationships, and especially affairs are complex critters. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
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You are getting information from a lot of different sources; so just don't get confused about what to do. Stay focused and keep feeling like you are at this moment.
I was confused, but honestly, I’m not any more. You’re so right. We get so much input from well-meaning people who say, “Do this. Do this. Don’t do that” that often agree but are sometimes conflicting. We’re so desperate for answers and we want to fix the sitch NOW. I want this sitch to get better NOW. But what is exactly the right answer? Who do I listen to? What do I do?
What I’ve learned to do is take the “best of the best” as it applies to my sitch. For example, Puppy (and others) are very good, and wise, about saying, “Don’t say/do that! It makes you look weak!! Instead, say/do this…” On the other hand, “Breaking Free From the Affair” by Bob Huizenga helped me to detach. He doesn’t use the term “detach”. But “break free” has the same connotation. Understanding the nature of the beast (infidelity) has helped me to detach so that I can follow the advice of Puppy and others, if that makes sense. Huizenga can’t cover everything (and doesn’t imply that he’s the end-all) I’ll still need help and support.
This is a process and it’s far from over. But I’m well on my way to healing and controlling my emotions and my life.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Having said all of that, a few days ago, W called asking if I was going to put up the (artificial) Christmas tree, and if not, could she borrow it along with lights and decorations. This was as much as admitting that she had moved out of BIL’S house and into her own apartment. A family member was coming to stay with her and she couldn’t afford to buy all that stuff, although she didn’t say so outright. I said, “sure!”
She came over, I helped her load it all up, and said goodbye. I know it screwed with her head. The old Norm would have peppered her with questions, “You moved? When? Where? Why didn’t you tell me?” I know she drove away wondering, “He didn’t ask. Doesn’t he care where I live? I thought he was predicable.”
I have a plan to ask her for her address in the presence of her best friend, (who probably already knows her addy) when she least suspects it. Her bff doesn’t know about the A (she’d never approve in a million). Once I have I have it, that’s really all I need. She and OM will be quaking and wondering when and if I am watching. Let ‘em sweat.
Knowledge is power.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Well, today was definitely a different Christmas day. Of course, after so many Christmas’s with my W I knew it was going to be sad and strange. I had plans to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day at my mom’s place with my sis and her hubby and kids.
Last night a blizzard hit. Pretty rare for Oklahoma. I drive a little sports car. They don’t go in the white stuff – light weight, rear wheel drive. W drives a 4WD SUV so we could always get around when it snowed.
Yesterday morning the incoming snow was all over the news. I knew then it didn’t look good. My first thought was, “Oh, no. Bad enough that I’m going through my first Christmas without W and her family (who all love me, and I, them), but not even my family? No tree, or dinner, or gift exchange? This is too much.”
But I pulled it together. Found my inner peace with the situation. Hassles are not horrors. I decided to take this as an opportunity to find my inner strength and power and not let what W is doing cause me any more grief.
I had a great Christmas. Friends and family TM’d and called. And that’s what it’s really about. The people you love. W had a Christmas filled with guilt and deceit. Not me. I came out on top!!
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
On Robx’s thread, ‘1 thing YOU WILL DEFINITELY CHANGE or DO in 2010!” I resolved to reach out to people more = post here more, so here goes…
There is much to tell since I last posted. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I downloaded the book, “Break Free From the Affair” by Bob Huizenga. It was a godsend. Here, on this site, we use the term, “detach”. Huizenga’s use of the phrase, “break free” has the same connotation. Some of you may have read it. For those who haven’t, Huizenga identifies seven different types of affairs and labels them, “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, “I Can’t Say No”, “I Want to Get Back at You”, etc.
The one that fits my W to a “T” is, “I Need To Prove My Desirability”. He described my W and her behavior with uncanny accuracy. What really stood out, though, was, “The person who engages in this type of affair is the kind of person you would never dream would do such a thing”. I know, I know, no spouse believes that his/her spouse would cheat. What he means is this: My W is the kind of person who is known for her honesty and character. When I first told my trusted friend, who has known W for years, that she was having an affair his response was like, “Your W? With a married man? Okay, hold on Norm. Let’s talk about this buddy. I can’t believe she would disrespect another couple’s marriage like that! Are you sure?” He played the devil’s advocate for 20 minutes until I finally convinced him.
Huizenga goes on to say that this type of A will be short-lived because of the guilt. There is a war raging inside her. She is violating her own principles. The OM is making her feel desirable, but she does not believe that what she is doing is okay --- far from it. I’ve known her for 23 years. He’s right.
Confrontation: Huizenga deals with confrontation in the book as well as his videos. He does not recommend confrontation with this type of affair because of the guilt and says it usually makes things worse. He’s right. Read on…
Big Screw Up: One day at work I must have been surfing “catch a cheating spouse” and got distracted. I probably minimized the screen, but W saw it and printed off the Google results. She confronted me with the printed pages a few days later as if I had done something wrong! She was incredulous, indignant, and hurt to the point of tears and tissues. I stayed calm and didn’t let on very much.
W: “Who do think I’m having an A with?” Me: “I don’t know.”
W: “What makes you think I’m having an A?” Me: “You’ve been very secretive. You moved from BIL’s house without telling me when or where. I don’t know where you live. You keep your cell glued to you all the time. You lock your purse away at work.”
W: “I told you I was getting an apartment! I just didn’t want you coming around. I keep my cell on me because I’m busy! And I didn’t want you going through my purse.” Me: “Okay, I understand.”
She did tell me the name of the apartment complex, but stopped short with that. There was a little R talk, but I was short and to the point. I’m sure I haven’t handled all this perfectly, but I came away feeling like 1) She knows I’m not stupid and have noticed far more than she realized and 2) the heat is turned up on the guilt and 3) if I noticed, who else had noticed? She’s living a lie every day and I know it’s eating at her. Another point is that OM is a cop of 20+ years and I’m sure she told him. He deals every day with people who are “dumb like a fox” and he is trained to be suspicious. And he may be suspicious and afraid that I know far more than I let on.
This is getting long so I’ll stop here. I kept my resolution on day one! Woo hoo!!
Norm
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
