Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

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I have tries to reply 3 times and I get almost all of the way through it and W comes in the room to talk about trivial stuff and I have to shut the window down and lose all my typing...arrrgh!

Oh, good job on your plan of action! I like that. You put a lot of thought into it.

1. W still here 5 months post Bomb and nearly 1 year after meeting OM

2. W came close to S twice but has NEVER mentioned D

That is a positive sign in a couple of ways. Your W must not be in too much of a hurry or feel too uncomfortable around you....or she would move out of the house. Secondly, the OM must want all the advantages of an A, but none of the responsibilites of a R. He must like the setup as it stands.

I still worry a bit that she is staying to get her ducks in a row before S/D but I can't focus on that. I at least feel good that she hasn't mentioned the D-word yet!

3. W tells me that she is depleted after trying so long and that she does not think I can change (have made changes but she does not acknowledge them)

4. When asked outright if she is able to choose between me and OM, she replied I don't know what I want.

5. She has not apologized, not shown any real remorse other than saying that she can't stand to see me hurting, and is by all appearances still continuing A.

This is all very, very common for a WAW in an A. Some H's don't get #4, however, and their WAW will tell them outright they rather have OM.

She is clearly conflicted and I do think there is some guilt in there somewhere. I think she is able to compartmentalize things pretty good though. In her letter she said that she really wants to have space to see if she will miss me. I know that "space" means time to pursue OM full-on but at least maybe she still feels that there is something to miss.

6. We have a good friendship still and I think she is getting some ENs met by OM and some by me (cake eating). W does not get angry with me and never starts R talks with me.



7. The only two things I have done to get any emotion out of her is when she was confronted on A and when I told her that if she doesn't stop, she would lose me completely. She said she had never considered a life without me in it at all and would never choose that.

The friendship is good, but you want her to be attracted to you sexually, also. She can have GF's, for friends, right? So, you may be able to do like the book suggests and "cause a crises". It takes that to shake 'em up some times.

Without a doubt! I value our friendship but I want to be her husband first and foremost. If we ever reconcile, she is going to have a much new and improved version of Junco for sure!

10. W, me and OM all work at the same company. A has not been exposed to anyone except one of my close friends. Nobody in either of our families knows. 99% sure that OM is single.

So, it is important to your W to save face? You need to think about yourself if you/when you expose the A at work. I wouldn't think you would want to do anything to jepordize your job by having some scandle at work, but I'm not an authority on this. It took me a long time to come around to the idea of exposing the WAS b/c I was raised to believe that that was private and to be kept between the man & his wife. So, you may need to ask some the "experts" about that.

The fact that the family doesn't know and just a few close friends is not good b/c of the fact of an A growing in secretcy.

I also came from a family where problems were not anyone else's business. I think that and my respect for my W is what has prevented me from exposing to family. I do know though if this goes on too long or if it escalates, I may have to do this. I still don't plan to confront at work for now, there is already way too much drama in my life!

11. I have done a lot of snooping and can't find any evidence that she has contacted a L (I have not either)

12. Divorce in my state could take quite a while to finalize (12-18 months of separation required) so time is on my side

Those are both very positive.

I always have to keep reminding myself that no matter how bad I have it, there are so many others that have it much worse.





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