NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

I get it today. Today has been HARD. A lot harder than I even imagined.

I was good last night. Didn't talk about W at all, except when D's mum referred to her as my ex-W and I corrected her. She also said again that I would take her back in a flash if she came back - corrected her again and said I couldn't. Nothing else happened.

I had a fallout with D's mum over some stuff. I felt she was disrespecting me and using me. Turns out it was a miscommunication and it's all sorted now.

However this made me realise how much of an emotional crutch I have been using her for. When I thought I had lost her (as in a friend) it terrified me. It really did. I have felt so lonely today. Really lonely. For the first time in a while I'm reminded of this empty house and me rattling about in it on my own.

Have been cleaning today. Cleaning and tidying.

I have also been getting rid of more of W's stuff. The box I filled with her reminders has been sitting in my bedroom for about 6 weeks now. I finally taped the box up. Wrote W on it and it's now waiting to go up the loft. I was going to repack it (as it was just all thrown in) but I couldn't face it. Too many memories in that box. Far too many for me to see again.

Myself and D did the traditional New Years Day walk to a local landmark. That was also a little weird today as it was me, W, D and the dog last year. Now it was me, D and her mum's dog. The walk is actually along the coast and anybody who knows anything about this part of the country and this years knows ... it's cold and windy! We did it. I took lots of photos (as is traditional) and we had a nice time.

D spoke to me a few days ago while I was at her mums. She called me aside and said that she would now like to speak to W again after she said she didn't. I said that was fine. Whatever she wanted to do, just remember what W tells her she needs to think about carefully. She was fine with that. I also told her I'd give her W's mobile number so she could text or call her. Not sure about this last bit - trying to balance up being a dad, protecting D and allowing her to keep contact and make her own choices.

I asked D today if she wanted to call W but she said she didn't. I think I secretly was trying to use D to establish contact with W as I was having a bad day. It's wrong, but I'm just being honest. I was kind of glad and disappointed (at the same time) when she said no.

I also texted MIL and FIL last night just to wish them a happy new year. They are not well so going to bed early but wished us both a happy new year too. It is actually quite nice to get back something more than a simple 'happy new year' back. I told them I was sorry to hear they were not well and wished them better health.

I find myself going to the front door 2-3 times a day to see if W has put anything through the letterbox - card, letter, something. There is never anything there but I keep checking. Sad I know.

I was hoping the start to 2010 would be a little better than it has been but it's early days. Not lapsed yet but feeling very weak and lonely today. Almost lapsed twice so far - once to drive past W's house to see if they were there and I also thought about calling / texting W to say Happy New Year ... I didn't.

So just a tough day today. My heart goes out to everybody going through this today. It's not easy.

I get D tomorrow for a week to stay with me so that will help. Off up back into the attic to put some things away and go through the rest of the boxes that are left up there so what other hidden gems W has left ...

Onwards and upwards.