Happy New Year to everyone, best wishes in 2010. Thank you ClingingToHope. I have conquered and managed many obstacles in my life, as I am sure most of us in this forum has. I seem to hold on to the "God does not give you more than you can bare" mindset as well as just being grateful b/c no matter what you are going through, there is always someone who would love to try your shoes on. But when you give deep, loyal, unconditional love, it eats at your core. I realize that that's the kind of person I am. It takes time for me to move if I give myself to someone for a good length of time. I have a good PMA and I am doing fine even though last year was filled with much anguish.
I made a vow to myself that I would make the necessary changes to progress forward with positivity this year and to occupy more real-estate of my life with self investment. Ironically, my W text me shortly after I posted the other night that she was not feeling to good. Since I dont expect anything of her, my first impression of the text was that was her way of bailing out even though we made no plans. Maybe she felt guilty for Christmas or for coming around more and felt she owed me that. Anyway, that was my perception of the text, so I just ignored. Yesterday evening my W called and asked if she could stop by. I said sure and sure enough she baits me in. I'm actually not sure what her purpose was for coming over. We do our usual: Me upbeat trying not to give up too much and her just being her. Which lately, 9 times out of 10 leads to a blame game on her part and then to protect myself I'm baited in. Connecting the dots, I cooked dinner a week or so ago and she stayed quite a while. It was a positive interaction. At some point, she asks if I was cooking that night and I said no. So that was the segue back to drama.
Her claim was that since it took so long for me to get back to her that she made plans to spend New Years Eve with her sisters family. I realized well was reminded at that point that I have no clout. I caved in and pointed out that I did not expect anything of her, but with all that has transpired and if things were on the up in up nothing as minor as that would stop me from spending that significant time with her. OM. Also at some point she tells me she went to New Orleans for some event. Not sure why she would tell me that. She does not work. Since she left, she has been laid off from 3 different jobs.
I realize that from the little time I have spent with my W lately that my feeling are still there as well as my attraction for her. I just cant keep this limbo cycle going. I have asked her over a year ago to come and get her things from the house and she just refuses as she did yesterday. That was a plan for this new year to help me move forward is to give her a month to get her things or I'd take them to the good will. That shows me she has not concern for how I feel. I cant see the future for my M, but I have to keep healthy and positive movement for my own well being. I heard a preacher say one day that God loves you so much that sometimes to protect you, he removes you from a situation.
_________ Me 36 W 30 no kids T 11 M 5 Separated 8/08
