Is this piecing?

[Lost Rabbit]

Ok plan of action time...

When H goes back to work bet he goes distant and grumpy and then barks at you like you have just been scrapped off his shoe!

When this happens smile nicely at him, and firmly say "I understand its been a hard day, but please dont speak to me like that I deserve more respect than that" and breeze off and start doing some chores and ignore him (well give him time to think about how rude he was) Give him an hour then again smile sweetly and bring him a cup of coffee, and if you think you can get away with it a stroke on the shoulder or a kiss on the cheek..

Dont fall into the rutt of giving up your going out GAL.. if you were over doing it pick two things that would be hobbies and stick to them. But also make time for H, daftest thing I did was a carpet picnic, but boy it paid off. We all get wrapped up in life, the kids and just getting through things and its no surprise we end up losing our marriages..

Also hows your lingerie department looking if its looking all sad and over worked its time to shop girl.. My H was never a lingerie man but he soon noticed when my not so attractive lingeries started being pretty and more colourful and being hung on the airer right in full view shouting "well if you dont want to play with Mrs Rabbit someone ELSE will" lol.. And boy when you wear pretty lingerie you feel sexy then you move sexy and behave sexy and believe me it gets noticed..

You had it once, you just put it aside now get it out and use it, operation GAL and get Mr H4L attention..

[dday101798]

Also hows your lingerie department looking if its looking all sad and over worked its time to shop girl.. My H was never a lingerie man but he soon noticed when my not so attractive lingeries started being pretty and more colourful and being hung on the airer right in full view shouting "well if you dont want to play with Mrs Rabbit someone ELSE will" lol.. And boy when you wear pretty lingerie you feel sexy then you move sexy and behave sexy and believe me it gets noticed..

Shoot, just reading that got my motor running!

[Lost Rabbit]

Rofl DD glad I made your day too!

[Butterfly1]

LR - I love your plan - will do. The problem with the lingere is that Mr. H4L will have nothing to do with me sexually. Long story. But we sleep in separate bedrooms when he is here, and I'm not allowed a kiss, a hug, a cuddle, nothing. We're not there. Yet. Hope to be there, and when we do, I'm going lingere shopping!

As for staying kind and detached with rudeness, I will try. I'm going to print out exactly what you said so that when I get flustered, I'll have a guide! Thank you! It's the hardest thing of all to not react when you feel mistreated.

last week we were so close, this week he is taking time off from work, which is good in that there hasn't been the usual verbal lashings. But he's been going out and not inviting us, or offering to take S at all. Feels like he's rubbing my face in the fact that he's going out with friends (I often wonder if there's a girl, but probably not), and going on hikes ALONE - (presumably) but no offers of taking S or definitely not me. Also refuses to join us to family friends' house when invited.

So, there's hot and cold. Well luke warm and cold. Guess it goes in waves. Must be a pullback. Guess I just act "as if" - like if we had no problems, I would support him going out by himself. He never did this before he left, so it feels threatening. Advice as to how to respond when he dangles that stuff in front of me?

I know I'm supposed to do my own things, GAL, not pursue but I feel like he's "DBing" me! All this mystery and independence does get my goat. Advice?

[Lost Rabbit]

Right first off the lingerie is for you! Bet youve put the sexy little minx you used to be in a drawer and forgotten how to be her! If she has turned into bridgette jones knickers you need action now lol! Honestly all jokes aside, I lost a lot of weight and went and got remeasured for undies, the first day I wore my new set I felt fantastic..

Secondly if you hang them on the airer they show that you are looking after yourself and that you consider yourself to be sexy, therefore when Mr H4L sees them in his less than foggy moments he might? wonder are they for him or someone else..

He is just pushing the boundaries at the moment going out 1) cos he is in his selfish fog 2) he wants to see if you react 3) he is just testing you!

You have the right idea, consider non H time as ME time and use it.. do those fluffy bits, get your hair cut, go shopping etc..
So when he comes home ready to rub in his fun stuff you keep quiet say "thats nice glad you enjoyed yourself" and ignore the rest..

If you feel any panic about doing something allow yourself 24/48hrs to think about it, and make a sensible plan of action.. You can train yourself not to panic, or at least keep it in check. Dont know if your like me but embarrassment was a biggie for me, probably came from my parents that it was an embarrassment if you didnt keep organised and make everything look hunky dory. Well your most embarrassing thing has happened now your M has gone pearshaped, yes its horrid to face but hell what else could be worse. I actually dont wear my wedding ring any more and I dont care, it wasnt my fault H left without talking to me, and its not yours that your H is being like he is either. So hold your head up high and get on with things for little S. I have an S but hes way bigger than your chap he is nearly 22!

[Butterfly1]

LR - you are a hoot! Ok, I get it - the lingere is for me to feel good inside - not just to make H curious. I think it would be a horrible betrayal at this point if H felt I was out dating someone else, as we are now in piecing and I have told him I want to work things out together. However, feeling and looking attractive can only help~

Since I have not been able to go out and shop, I dangled some of my cutest undies in the bathroom - just for a tease! Let's see if he notices.

Thank you for the reminder - yes of course he is testing me and seeing if he can get me to react with the going out. And yes, calm cool and collected are the only way to be through that. I'm too busy making myself happy to care - right? Well that's the goal, anyhow. Need to kick myself out of bed and get out and enjoy. Having S home from school this week is a major boost! I keep making plans for S and I without H - and if H shows up, that's an added bonus, but not a game changer.

The panic comes from a fear of abandonment. Also when H is verbally abusive. Like clockwork I feel myself shaking when H is to come over - out of the unknown if he will be calm or attacking. Now that we are in MC, I intend to bring this up, although I have been working on the listening and validating first to help H relax and open up.

Embarassment that my M is all wonky - yes. I live in a wealthy area, (but am middle class myself) so there are a lot of "Perfect looking" families out there. I need to work on my own feelings of being different, embarassed, etc.

I also fear abandonment - I was on my own since 15 - so being left is the biggest anxiety producer for me. I'm making it a goal now to work on calming myself as much as possible, instead of looking for any acknowlegement from H to soothe me. Great advice.

Waiting 24/48 hrs is great advice, I need to tatoo that on my forehead! When I do, I often find H is more approachable, I am less attacking, and sometimes a miracle occurs - H actually approaches me! So waiting to calm down is essential - thank you for the reminder. Sometimes it feels like I need to do that daily!

LR, I really appreciate your coaching here. THank you so much! After reading your sitch last night, I can see how far you have come - from H and you talking maybe once every two weeks, now he wants to come home. Great job! I trust your instincts on how to make this work.

[Butterfly1]

Ok, Im going out tonight to the aforementioned comedy show (w my dad, but hey, who cares!) and not with H who was lukewarm at best about my offer - so I'm going to try to get all dolled up and see if H notices. He rarely notices those things (something that was a problem from our M before) so I have avoided the whole dressing up and going out thing. But hey, if I feel good, maybe H will notice? Who knows.

[Butterfly1]

Well up and down tonight. I was upset when H didn't seem at all to notice the undies hanging about, or my hot look as I left. H couldn't be bothered to lift his head out of his magazine (I shouldn't be surprised, he always seemed aloof to me sexually).

However, when I came home from the comedy show, I was in great spirits after laughing all night. Some of my GAL is going to be - more comedy!

We rang in the new year. No kiss, no touching. But we shared a couple of glasses of champagne and laughed and watched some comedy on tv. H was perky and joking around and we had fun. I kept my hands to myself even though I wanted so badly to grab him and kiss him. He's going to have to make a move on me if it ever happens, but it feels like it never will.

However, I must take it as a positive step that we were together for the New Year and having a good time. Hopefully, things will continue in the right direction. Maybe he even secretly noticed how good I looked, although he didn't show it.

Still, it's a far cry from the anger, distance, and pure hell of the last four months. I am so glad we were hanging out, at least as friends. God I hope I can hang in there to see if it goes further. Now that there's a glimmer of hope, I keep wanting things to rush back into romance. Time, patience. Ugh.

[Lost Rabbit]

You can do this kiddo have a bit of faith in yourself! Just by doing the "would I have to do this if on my own" and "go breathe and think for 24/48 hrs" I have done things that I never ever would have thought I could do a year a go.. I always honestly ask myself "is my marriage more important than my fear"..

Try and put in place little pick me ups for yourself, mine was my green handbag, sounds too simple but H hated green so it was my daily reminder that I was me and I could be me and I could choose what colour I wanted and every time I looked at it, it made me smile.. funny my best mate bought me a fab green scarf for xmas and H laughed when he saw it as he knows what it symbolises for me.

If youre ever in doubt of what you are doing, just remember you cant make things any worse! It will become second nature and before long you will wonder why you used to do such daft things as panic..

[Butterfly1]

I did just buy myself a new purse yesterday as well lol. I love leopard print, so that what is on the bag! I'm going to dye my hair this weekend and get a new style. Tonight is my neighbor's birthday so I'm inviting her over for drinks and dessert - whether or not H shows up.

Thank you for the encouragement = I need it! It really helps to have someone keeping me focussed!