Looking for my new normal

[Gardener]

(((Bunny)))Thank you - and kudos - for having the strength to share this. I knew - felt -something was wrong, was troubling you, hence my FB message.

(Although the getting roughed up part was a first- it's never happened before that I said no to something but the guy did it anyways, plus the other crap he pulled that night. Took me over a week to shake that one off.)

Talk to a lawyer and the police about this guy person and this incident of non-consensual sexual assault. Have him arrested. Press charges. Screw the potential publicity - unlikely due to victim-privacy laws. THAT will get H's attention as well as the attention of any of your former acquaintances in the "lifestyle"

I honestly don't know what I was/am thinking or why I'm acting out like this.

You've been de-valued, belittled and programmed by a one-male "cult". You HURT. And apparently equate physical sex with closeness, comfort, caring (sorry, I'm no shrink, so I may be wrong).

I'm also not sure what it takes/means to "heal", like everyone said, or what exactly needs to be healed.

Heal=Alone time (not counting Sons and light/normal socializing: like the dance lessons. Good for you). Journal everyday. You need perspective which comes only with time and distance.

H isn't changing his tune, he's made that clear, so I don't know what or why I'm doing anything right now. Plus he says he stands by his assessment that it wasn't the real me at the first MC session, I'm just not that good so I was obviously coached or acting or something. And he would love a tumble in the sheets with me, go figure... And in the meanwhile, he's bending over backwards to be nice and accommodating, like picking stuff up for me to be comfortable at apartment, or asking if I want this, that or the other thing from the house.

Bunny, you, perhaps more than anyone I've met on this forum, need to go dark. No Contact. Period! ANY contact and H wins a little. Gets his foot back in the door again. Gets another bit of mind-f*cking hold on you, again. HE is practicing (negatively) the 'baby steps' DB talks about.

He's only mentioned the outside activities a couple of times or so since I left, so maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it in my own head than it needs to be.

The master manipulator is biding his time. Getting you off balance. Setting you up. Until he feels the moment is right to strike.

And I know I really don't have much to complain about compared to others,

Yes, you do. Yes you do.

he's not hurting my kids,

Yes he is.

or me

Yes he is. Still. And is planning even more.

I think I look like a dumb@ss by posting all this.

Not at all. To me you are brave by doing so.

I know logically the right thing to do is to have no contact except when it relates to the kids.

Right. Close your email account. Open a new one and don't tell him what it is.Open up a separate one for him only. Don't reply - at all - unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. And then, reply hours/days later. One-word answers (DB). Tell him no more texting. It's too in-your face and in your moment intrusive and upsetting.

I keep it civil, polite and brief.

Keep it short, cold, damn-near resentful, imo.

I am trying to get this all sorted out in my head.

You will. Stay with us, here. we will all help.

And I am calling again on Monday to get additional IC appointments beyond the one on 1/14.

Good. Go weekly. Ask if IC can do short telephone sessions when necessary.
Call your local Battered Women (or whatever) organization. Get an appointment. You are and have been seriously battered, if not in th traditional sense. They can help you a lot. Talk to your lawyer about getting a restraining order! And, hey: No sex (except with BOB )

And maybe it's time to tell your kids, if age-appropriate. Their father is evil. He hurt you and victimized you and you are fighting back all-out. Maybe they won't completely understand now. But they will. And they will admire their strong Mom when they do.

I don't judge you for having sex with other men. i don't care about that. I care that you are doing it to please them, not yourself.

I agree!

I heard a psychologist recommend once for people who have ended a seriously abusive, almost post-traumatic relationship the following: One year. No serious relationship or sex for one year. Go through one year: one Christmas, New years, Valentine's day, birthday, etc, alone for one year, one complete cycle. Consider doing this. You will learn that alone does not equal lonely.

You, Bunny...your personality, mind, heart, soul and body are a precious gift to be treasured by you and should be given to another only after careful consideration and after they have proven themselves worthy over a long period of time.

May God bless you, Bunny.
This is the Chinese Year of the Tiger.
Make it the Year of Bunny.
Create it, Make it happen.

Sincerely, though lengthy, as always (but you're worth it),