Looking for my new normal

[givingitmyall]

Also...it is common for people who have been sexually abused to become sex addicts. It would seem logical that these people would avoid sex, and some do...but many turn to sex because the abuse was the only way they could receive love

Bulls-eye. I still equate sex with love from H. This occurred to me too while writing out the previous posts (I saw what I wrote about "don't like but doing it anyway" and knew what that meant) and it scared the cr@p out of me.

DQ, you hit it on the head and that is what I inartfully tried to get at:

It seems to me that the main issue right now, and possibly the reason you are dating, is you are seeking your happiness from others - whether you wanting them to make you happy or you thinking you can gain happiness by giving them what they want. And you will not gain happiness that way.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Bunny)))))

It is scary. But I still think it is great that you have started to take positive steps to change things.

I have to echo... get on the phone Monday, and make it clear that you need to see the C as soon as possible, and you need regular appointments set up in advance. We will be here to help you follow through with what you learn in C!

[hoosiermama]

Bunny--just a few things really jump out from what you've written.

Plus he says he stands by his assessment that it wasn't the real me at the first MC session, I'm just not that good so I was obviously coached or acting or something.

Don't allow him to define you or tell you whether or not you are "real!" It's his perception only, and it's not even a perception, really--it's him trying to manipulate you again. How dare he say "you're just not that good!" How dare he tell you what's real about you?! He needs to stay on his side of your skin. If you've lived with this for years, no wonder you question yourself, your reality.

Sexual addiction--quite possibly. And yes, you have been abused by H, and if that's the only form of love you knew from him, of course that's where you're going to seek it when you're feeling lost or stressed or isolated. It's a HUGE insight you've had--I can't stress that enough--and will open the door to many more, and to helping you step away from painful behaviors. It won't be easy, but once you've had that first insight it will sort of begin to flow downhill for you.

Lastly, you've described your H as "sweet" for bringing you things you may need. and this:

he's bending over backwards to be nice and accommodating, like picking stuff up for me to be comfortable at apartment, or asking if I want this, that or the other thing from the house. He's only mentioned the outside activities a couple of times or so since I left, so maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it in my own head than it needs to be.

Bunny, it's not your well-being he's thinking about. He wants you to believe he's on your side, and then every now and then will slip in "outside activities" or giving you a camera to record your sexual encounters--which is completely violating boundaries. He's manipulating by trying to get you to see him as kind and helpful, but the real issue for him is getting his own needs met and trampling any boundaries you've managed to set, anything that keeps you out of his control.

And I know I really don't have much to complain about compared to others, he's not hurting my kids, me or my stuff, so I think I look like a dumb@ss by posting all this.

Actually, you have perhaps more to complain about than some others, and that doesn't really matter. You don't look like a dumb@ss at all. And I hate to predict the future, but I have a very distinct sense that he may begin to hurt you or your things more physically (and he's certainly already abused you emotionally and spiritually) once he feels he is losing control over you. Just keep your eyes open and a high index of suspicion, ok?

[Gardener]

(((Bunny)))Thank you - and kudos - for having the strength to share this. I knew - felt -something was wrong, was troubling you, hence my FB message.

(Although the getting roughed up part was a first- it's never happened before that I said no to something but the guy did it anyways, plus the other crap he pulled that night. Took me over a week to shake that one off.)

Talk to a lawyer and the police about this guy person and this incident of non-consensual sexual assault. Have him arrested. Press charges. Screw the potential publicity - unlikely due to victim-privacy laws. THAT will get H's attention as well as the attention of any of your former acquaintances in the "lifestyle"

I honestly don't know what I was/am thinking or why I'm acting out like this.

You've been de-valued, belittled and programmed by a one-male "cult". You HURT. And apparently equate physical sex with closeness, comfort, caring (sorry, I'm no shrink, so I may be wrong).

I'm also not sure what it takes/means to "heal", like everyone said, or what exactly needs to be healed.

Heal=Alone time (not counting Sons and light/normal socializing: like the dance lessons. Good for you). Journal everyday. You need perspective which comes only with time and distance.

H isn't changing his tune, he's made that clear, so I don't know what or why I'm doing anything right now. Plus he says he stands by his assessment that it wasn't the real me at the first MC session, I'm just not that good so I was obviously coached or acting or something. And he would love a tumble in the sheets with me, go figure... And in the meanwhile, he's bending over backwards to be nice and accommodating, like picking stuff up for me to be comfortable at apartment, or asking if I want this, that or the other thing from the house.

Bunny, you, perhaps more than anyone I've met on this forum, need to go dark. No Contact. Period! ANY contact and H wins a little. Gets his foot back in the door again. Gets another bit of mind-f*cking hold on you, again. HE is practicing (negatively) the 'baby steps' DB talks about.

He's only mentioned the outside activities a couple of times or so since I left, so maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it in my own head than it needs to be.

The master manipulator is biding his time. Getting you off balance. Setting you up. Until he feels the moment is right to strike.

And I know I really don't have much to complain about compared to others,

Yes, you do. Yes you do.

he's not hurting my kids,

Yes he is.

or me

Yes he is. Still. And is planning even more.

I think I look like a dumb@ss by posting all this.

Not at all. To me you are brave by doing so.

I know logically the right thing to do is to have no contact except when it relates to the kids.

Right. Close your email account. Open a new one and don't tell him what it is.Open up a separate one for him only. Don't reply - at all - unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. And then, reply hours/days later. One-word answers (DB). Tell him no more texting. It's too in-your face and in your moment intrusive and upsetting.

I keep it civil, polite and brief.

Keep it short, cold, damn-near resentful, imo.

I am trying to get this all sorted out in my head.

You will. Stay with us, here. we will all help.

And I am calling again on Monday to get additional IC appointments beyond the one on 1/14.

Good. Go weekly. Ask if IC can do short telephone sessions when necessary.
Call your local Battered Women (or whatever) organization. Get an appointment. You are and have been seriously battered, if not in th traditional sense. They can help you a lot. Talk to your lawyer about getting a restraining order! And, hey: No sex (except with BOB )

And maybe it's time to tell your kids, if age-appropriate. Their father is evil. He hurt you and victimized you and you are fighting back all-out. Maybe they won't completely understand now. But they will. And they will admire their strong Mom when they do.

I don't judge you for having sex with other men. i don't care about that. I care that you are doing it to please them, not yourself.

I agree!

I heard a psychologist recommend once for people who have ended a seriously abusive, almost post-traumatic relationship the following: One year. No serious relationship or sex for one year. Go through one year: one Christmas, New years, Valentine's day, birthday, etc, alone for one year, one complete cycle. Consider doing this. You will learn that alone does not equal lonely.

You, Bunny...your personality, mind, heart, soul and body are a precious gift to be treasured by you and should be given to another only after careful consideration and after they have proven themselves worthy over a long period of time.

May God bless you, Bunny.
This is the Chinese Year of the Tiger.
Make it the Year of Bunny.
Create it, Make it happen.

Sincerely, though lengthy, as always (but you're worth it),

[Gardener]

And, Bunny, Also, NO GIFTS FROM H. And not just because of all the obvious reasons pointed out by your friends on this forum.

There are ALL SORTS of disguised, benign-looking "nanny-cams", spy devices, cameras, listening devices, etc., available. This sicko probably knows about them.

I know I - and others- have said not to let him into your apartment. DON'T!
And if you do, or somehow "have" to, (repeat: DON'T!) don't let him out of your sight! Not even the bathroom. And bedroom.(especially the bathroom and bedroom). No hanging stuff on the walls for you, installing anything for you or moving or even touching furniture or belongings. Keep him away from your computer. Keep your phone on your person, not lying out somewhere. And if you have a land-line phone, don't let him near that, either, or disconnect and hide it when he comes in, which he should never do!

Do you have a trusted friend or relative who would be willing to come over whenever he's at (not IN) your place for the kids, or whatever? A witness by your side?

You are in the fight of your life - for your life. For you. Never, never forget this!

[iwantittowork]

Bunny,

My heart hurts for you, and what you are going through. Your sitch is one of the toughest on hear to read, and you have handled this in the best way you can up until now.

You have been battered, abused and continue to put up with crap that is nearly unbearable, but you continue to make positive steps in the face of this, so don't belittle the accomplishments you have done so far. And you most certainly deserve to speak out for yourself!

I won't go back through your post, as everyone has given you superb advice on it, so I hope you read, and re-read them and truly give yourself some time for it to sink in..

DQ, HM, Gard, GIMA, et all, you continue to show strength and honor in helping others in the face of your own bad situations, and I tip my hat to your courage and compassion..

[mindfull]

Bunny, I have ZERO advice, but how about a HUG!!!

[SpyBunny]

Hug gladly accepted, thank you!

Side note: That was one thing I was able to avoid this whole time- the girl on girl scene. H pushed hard for a FMF over the years, but uh-uh, nope, not interested, I held my ground on that one...

[Gardener]

Bunny,

Side note: That was one thing I was able to avoid this whole time- the girl on girl scene. H pushed hard for a FMF over the years, but uh-uh, nope, not interested, I held my ground on that one...

See? You can hold your ground. You've already proven it.
Hold your ground with H.
Be true to yourself and avoid the whole "scene", all "scenes".

[TrentC]

And, Bunny, Also, NO GIFTS FROM H. And not just because of all the obvious reasons pointed out by your friends on this forum.

Agreed. I would be wary about accepting anything from him whatsoever. It didn't even occur to me that he might try to sneak some hidden cams into your apartment.

The comment about giving you the digital camera so you could take pictures of yourself with other men pretty much shows his feelings towards you; you're still his sex toy, his party favor.

You are on the right path. He is not, and neither are your "friends" in the scene.

You deserve to be with someone who refuses to share you with anyone else; someone who will hold your love and your intimacy as something to be treasured by him alone.