Bunny...IMO it sounds to me like you have become a sex addict. This has happened to you because of the activities you and your H had started, but now it has become part of your brain's wiring.
Do you know much about sex addiction? Do you realize that other addicts like alcoholics and gambling addicts, actually don't enjoy what they are doing. It makes them feel horrible, guilty, and like they've ruined their lives. People sometimes think that addicts use their drug of choice because they enjoy using it, but its not that. Its the fact that their bodies are now addicted to the high from it, but the low that comes afterwards is horrible. So they use again to feel better, then comes the low, then try for the high again to escape the low...this is the addiction cycle.
This would explain why you are still doing something that you don't actually want to do. Also, in addiction, the high that is received is not actually a good thing. Another misperception non-addicts have is that an addict must enjoy this high. Not necessarily. Sometimes the high is just as horrible as the low but the body keeps asking them to get that high again.
Non-addicted people who participate in some kind of drug or activity repeatedly will become addicts over time. This is how I see your case.
I encourage you to discuss this possibility with your IC.
